A Deal Made in Good Faith
by sakurademonalchemist
Summary: An accident while cooking leads to unexpected results. Meet Helen Crowley, the adopted daughter to the King of the Crossroads...and the world's first Mage Rider. This isn't your typical witch. There is a catch to her powers. She has to collect the soul of the man who made her an orphan to begin with, or she'll take his place. Can this snarky girl beat the deadline? FEM HP
1. Chapter 1

_**Challenge prompt by Samuel Duchesne: A Ghost Rider/HP/Supernatural where Harry is raised by Crowley and given Ghost Rider powers. (Fem Harry is acceptable.)**_

_**Challenge Accepted. **_

_**For full details look up the challenge itself.**_

_**Consider this your Christmas Gift from your favorite author to you, the fans~!**_

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><p>The young girl stared at the massive spice cabinet in awe. There were spices she had never even heard of! Mrs. Figg, her babysitter, didn't seem to notice the gleam in the girl's eyes. Or that the girl borrowed a few of the stranger vials.<p>

Normally she would never take things without permission, but the woman she lived with had yelled at her the day before for not putting enough spices into the food she had to cook. She didn't want to make the same mistake twice.

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><p>The girl carefully measured out the spices in a way the woman wouldn't realize she was making her own recipe. However the woman's son, smelling the food being cooked, came in at the last second causing her to slip with the knife and a few drops of blood splashed into the pot. She slipped the last extra spice she had borrowed from Mrs. Figg's cabinet, hiding the fact she was bleeding.<p>

However, when she went to take the pot off the fire, without warning the entire thing exploded. She narrowly avoided being hit by the blast.

The woman and the pig on two legs weren't so lucky. They were hit full on with the concoction.

"You stupid girl! What did you do?" snarled the woman.

She didn't bother to tell her the truth. It was bad enough they had gotten hit with what was supposed to be dinner. Being all but thrown into the cupboard she called her room, she knew that she would be lucky to get any food for a few days.

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><p><em>In America...<em>

Crowley was irritated. Some idiot in his home turf had just sent out a very strong summoning spell. And from how rough around the edges it was, he had the feeling they didn't know what it was!

However, he wasn't dropping everything just to answer some idiot wizard with a god complex. He dealt with enough of that crap in the pit.

"Dave! Go find out who the hell sent out that open summoning spell and deal with it!" shouted Crowley.

Dave was one of the lackeys he had picked up from the demon he killed when he took over the Crossroads. He was one of the few who were smart enough not to bitch too much around Crowley once he took over. Or at least not within hearing range. Crowley had developed his habit of blasting people with hellfire if they pissed him off too much within an Earth year of taking over.

Dave shrugged and went through the pit to find out who had tried to summon the King of the Crossroads this time. Most wizards, upon seconds of learning that demons could boost their natural core, had the most annoying habit of calling the top demon in charge of Crossroad deals to insure they got a good one.

It had gotten so bad ten years ago that Crowley allowed some of his more loyal minions act in his stead just because he was tired of it. It all came back to Crowley in the end, so he never saw a problem with it.

The next day Dave came back with an incredulous look on his face.

"You're not going to believe this."

Crowley raised an eyebrow. The second Dave mentioned who had sent the spell up (evidently without knowing what they were doing) his mouth dropped.

"_She_ summoned a demon?"

"From what I could tell by reading the aunt's mind, she messed up a basic stew that exploded. It didn't hit her, but it did hit the aunt and cousin. I'm guessing their life force is what made it so strong, not that it's any loss. From their soul alone it's pretty clear they're pit bound anyway."

Crowley reached for his good scotch. This was big.

Everyone had heard of the girl-who-lived. The one destined to kill the idiot known as Riddle. The only reason the hell hounds hadn't ripped the fool up before now was because he had done something to hide him from their noses. He had a few suspicions what he had done, but no way to prove it.

"Are you absolutely sure she's the one who sent out that spell?"

"I nicked this off her when I passed her on the street."

Crowley looked at the dried herbs. It was one of the main ingredients for the summoning spell. One of the few that couldn't be substituted anyway. Where in the pit did that girl get her hands on that amount of bloodroot?

"Right. How close were you able to get to her?"

"I was barely able to get close enough to steal this. Whatever wards are around her, they're extremely strong."

"Take the month off. I'll handle this. If we're lucky we might be able to nab and corrupt her," said Crowley.

If the girl-who-lived really _had_ summoned a demon by mistake, then this was the perfect chance to stick it to Heaven and the Magicals. With how high-profile she was above and below, there was no way he was chancing Lilith hearing about this.

And if Dave was right, he would just need to prove his loyalty to Crowley in order to get the really juicy assignments from now on.

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><p><em>One week later...<em>

Crowley walked into England for the first time in well over two decades...and the area he was in nearly made him vomit. He wished he could claim it was whatever wards the girl had on her, but that would be a blatant lie.

The place was so sickeningly..._normal_. It was far too picturesque for anyone with even the most remote amount of anything interesting about them to stand it for more than a few days before boredom inevitably set in.

On the other hand, this type of neighborhood usually meant a lot of deals could be had. The people who lived in these areas were beyond petty and usually needed very little in the way of convincing to sell their souls over.

Crowley kept walking until he felt the spell end. There in the yard was a little girl with dirty hair that could either be red or black. With that much dirt it was hard to really tell.

He took one look at the woman in the shade watching the girl with a cold expression on her face and knew Dave's assessment of her soul was correct. With that amount of darkness in her she was pit bound no matter what she did...unless some angel decided to do a little extreme slumming or was trying to hide in the most corrupt soul he had seen outside the pit in months.

The woman's eyes met his own, and Crowley smirked. Time to do a little nudging.

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><p>Petunia Dursley was a cruel, spiteful, jealous woman who hated her sister for everything she stood for. Her sister had inherited their mother's good looks, all the intelligence of their father, and to top it off she even got the gift of magic. Then to snub her elder sister even more, she married a rich noble, had a daughter and was living the high life while Petunia was stuck with a fat slob of a husband who drank too much and a child that was about as intelligent as a head of lettuce.<p>

So when she ended up being stuck with her damn sister's spawn, she wasn't just angry...she was furious. If she couldn't take her out her jealousy on Lily, she would take it out on her brat.

Seeing the stranger outside, her initial assumption was 'wizard'. That went out the window the more she looked at him. He looked more like a banker, which was definitely more _normal_ than any she had ever come across. There was still something off about him though.

"Greetings."

The distinct (and genuine) British accent kept her from telling him to get lost.

She barked at the brat to keep weeding, before she went to see what this man wanted.

"I see you have a girl you don't want. What if I told you I could make it so that you and your husband didn't need to work ever again?"

"Keep talking."

"I'm in the neighborhood for a few..._deals_. All I need is a signature and not only will I take the girl off your hands permanently, but I can insure that the magicals leave you alone for the rest of your natural lives."

Petunia's interest was definitely peaked.

"Let's see what you're offering first," she stated flatly. A chance to be rid of that damn brat and be rich?

The man smirked. He brought out a piece of parchment, which only made her wonder if he was a wizard who just knew how to blend in better than most of them. Once she had a good look at the terms, she gained a smirk of her own.

All she would need was her signature and that of Vernon, and he would take the brat and give them more money than they had ever dreamed of. She did wonder what the ten year limit was, but decided with the amount of potential cash she didn't need to worry about it.

"What about the brat?"

"Brat's extra. I can take her off your hands for free, but it has to be outside the limits of whatever wards some idiot placed over this house. And nowhere near holy ground either," said the man.

"Would the mall work?" she asked.

"Anywhere I could slip off with her and no one would notice she left with someone she didn't come in with," he replied.

"I know just the place."

A few days later she signed the contract, not really noticing the papercut until a few hours later, and so did her husband. He was just as eager to be rid of the girl as she was. The next morning Vernon bought a ticket, as was his habit just before the lotto numbers came out...and when the drawing happened, she was shocked and delighted when every single number he picked out came up on the monitor. The amount of cheering in their house that night nearly got the police called on them for excessive noise.

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><p>The girl looked at the man that woman handed her over to warily. She had heard countless gory tales from the woman's husband about how she was beyond lucky they hadn't sold her off at some point to the monsters that preyed on little girls like her.<p>

Well it looked like they had gotten tired of her and had sold her off anyway.

"Now, my little hellion, did they bother giving you a name?" asked the man.

She shook her head. She was lucky they had even bothered to send her to school. Though from what she understood they had little choice if they didn't want to be arrested.

If it wasn't for that woman forcing her to do both sets of homework, despite the fact she was in a different class from the pig, she wouldn't even know her letters or numbers as well as she did.

The man sighed.

"First thing's first. You're going to be cleaned up."

A woman with black eyes took her into the back. It was pretty clear they wanted her to wash herself off before they did anything else. With the smell of food coming from the kitchen, she could only hope he at least was nicer than that woman.

She delighted in the fact they were letting her use the warm water to clean up in. They didn't drag her out after five minutes either. Aside from making sure she didn't drown in the tub, she was able to _enjoy_ getting clean.

The next surprise was the fact they had clothes that fit her. The rags she had been wearing had been destroyed, apparently.

Seeing the food on the table, she was somewhat relieved that she was expected to eat some of it. Considering that woman never really fed her properly, she had trouble eating large amounts of food at a time.

To top everything off, she was given her own room, with a proper bed and covers. She was out like a light within seconds.

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><p>"Girl's quiet," commented Elisa.<p>

"Considering that horse faced idiot was treating her worse than the pure blooded wizards treat their house elves, is that really any surprise? I can't wait to see the expression on that goat's face when he realizes who's poached his precious pawn," sneered Crowley.

He was going to keep her his secret weapon against Voldemort. And unlike Dumbledore, who was such a pacifist that he preferred the 'hands off' approach to training, Crowley wasn't leaving anything to chance. Once the girl was old enough he was training her how to really use magic, and not with those silly sticks most of her kind relied on.

For the next week and a half, they kept an eye on her. Most of the time Crowley had the few demons who took female hosts keeping her out of things she shouldn't touch. She took the warnings fairly well, considering she was almost six years old...and looked three.

At this point he was bringing her back up to full health before he started corrupting her. So long as she associated good things with demons, there wasn't a chance in heaven that the angels would be able to get her to return to that house.

He had already filled his end of the bargain by helping the fat walrus win the local lottery. He almost wanted to see their faces when the hellhounds came for them in ten years.

She had already gained twenty pounds in weight in less than a month. Considering she was lighter than most of his hellhound pups, that was a good thing in his mind.

Three months into taking the girl in, he had the biggest shock of his life.

The girl had disappeared for an hour.

"Where is she?" he demanded.

"I don't know! I let her leave my sight for a few minutes and she vanished!"

"Well she hasn't left the property, not with the tracking spell I laced her with on the first week. So get off your asses and find her!"

"Um sir?" said Dave sheepishly.

"What?"

"I may have an idea where she went."

Crowley narrowed his eyes at Dave. He lead the demon to the pens, where they kept the hellhounds. There, inside the cage of the most feral one Crowley owned that he only let out on the particularly annoying cases, was the girl. The dog was actually letting her pet the puppies.

It wouldn't let Crowley or Dave into the cage at all. Not without a growl warning she was about to bite their heads off.

"How?"

"I have no idea. I thought I was imagining seeing her inside here, but when I heard she was missing I came to check and found her inside the cage. The damn thing won't let me anywhere near her or the puppies."

Crowley almost felt relief.

"How did you get in there?" he asked the girl.

"I saw them, and let her get used to me. She doesn't mind me much because she knows I don't want to take her babies from her."

Crowley stared. The girl kept petting the feral mother, who accepted her presence without a hint of protest, aside from glaring at him.

"Are you going to stay in there all day or are you going to come out to eat?" he asked finally.

She perked up a the mention of food. While she wasn't like the fat pig of her cousin, she did still need to eat more to regain weight before she was in a more healthy weight class.

The feral mother nudged her. It wasn't in an aggressive manner, but more maternal. Crowley would never had believed that one would let anyone near her, especially when she had puppies.


	2. Chapter 2

After the scare the girl gave him, Crowley finally got around to giving her a name.

Or rather, the female demons did. Since his personal name for the kid was his 'little hellion', the demon girls started calling her 'Helen' as a joke...and the name stuck. While he was often too busy to watch the kid personally, he did spend some time around her.

She was his secret weapon against the wizards and hopefully heaven. If he wanted her to be loyal to him, he would have to take an interest in her. Become someone she trusted.

So it was to his immense surprise when, four months after taking her from England, when she saw him she ran up to hug him. He awkwardly gave her a one-armed hug back. He wasn't expecting the girl to hug him. The other demons chuckled.

Yes, Helen was a quiet child, but she did notice that Crowley at least _cared_ for her. And she was surprisingly very good with the hellhounds. They treated her like one of the puppies, though some she instinctively avoided because she seemed to know which ones disliked pups.

And when she started to slowly enter his study where he did all his paperwork, it took little time for him to get used to her presence. He just had to tell her that the liquor cabinet was off limits, and soon it wasn't an uncommon sight for her to be doing the little assignments given to her by one of the demons who possessed a school teacher of all things in the room while he did his paperwork.

Crowley had no idea what to do with a child. So he did the one thing he could do...he left her in the care of his minions that knew to keep their traps shut about her presence in the house. The only reason they kept their mouths shut about Helen's existence was because the girl had the strangest way of drawing them in.

The last thing they wanted was for Lilith to possess her and just use her up like she did so many other brats.

They still didn't know how she was able to get into the hellhound cages without getting mauled.

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><p><em>Helen, Age Eight<em>

Two years and three months. That was how long Crowley had Helen. And during that time a quiet peace settled in the house...which felt more like a home.

Then came the day that changed everything. Crowley was teaching Helen how to cast a fireball spell, partially out of boredom but mostly because he wanted to see what sort of chaos she could cause with it.

Thanks to that spell she cast without knowing about it, Crowley had all but collected thirty souls alone in Surrey. Through the horsed-face idiot Petunia, the people were very quick to sell their souls for the chance to get rich, famous or anything in between. And very few even bothered to actually _look_ at the contract.

Normally they were sealed with a kiss, but frankly the place disgusted him so much that he settled for faking a papercut and sealing them with blood.

"So I hold my hand like this?" she said. Her right hand was held palm up in a clawed manner, as if she were grasping something round like an orange or apple.

"That's right. Now imagine something that makes you angry. So angry you would like nothing more than to set it on fire."

Helen concentrated hard, and Crowley watched in satisfaction as a tiny spark ignited on her palm that quickly turned into a decent sized ball of flame.

"Now try throwing it."

She did, but it sputtered out once it left her hand. She scowled, and made another. It sputtered out again once it left her hand. Her scowl was so adorable to him, and he couldn't help the chuckle he let out as she tried and failed to throw the ball of fire.

Finally she grew so frustrated that when she saw something that moved, she just threw out the hand she had been conjuring fire in at it...and it hit dead on. Later inspection revealed that she had accidentally killed an owl. Crowley couldn't feel any empathy for the dead bird, because they also found trace amounts of magic and burnt pieces of what appeared to be parchment paper.

Clearly some idiot tried to snag his brat using a hidden port key, and she had fried the bird by mistake.

However, during that brief moment when the fireball actually incinerated the bird, Crowley felt the presence of a known nuisance.

Tom Marvolo Riddle.

The bugger had made a demon deal to be the most powerful wizard in Europe shortly after he turned twelve, and then when the time came to pay the piper, the bastard somehow managed to slip out of the hellhounds jaws right after he was 'killed' by Helen.

Ironically that was actually around the same time Crowley killed his predecessor and took his title and powers away. That demon had made the deal with Riddle, and when he failed to collect the soul, it told everyone that he was weakened enough to kill. Crowley was just the one to get there first. And to add insult to injury, there was still the matter of Albus Dumbledore, who made a deal in order to defeat Grindlewald. How that hack German found the damn Elder Wand they were still trying to find out, but they couldn't get near Dumbledore to get his soul until he was beaten by a mortal.

If they tried to collect it and accidentally took possession of the wand, then Death would throw the worst hissy fit Hell had ever seen and they'd never hear the end of his bitching.

Which was part of the reason why Crowley took in Helen. He could use her to get the wand and hopefully they would finally collect on some errant souls.

And after examining her curse scar, Crowley came upon a rather ingenious idea to collect on Riddle's soul.

If the bastard son of a squib and a muggle thought scattering his soul was going to save him, then Crowley was going to disabuse the fool of that notion.

Helen had an affinity with hellhounds (he still couldn't figure out how or _why_), and she wasn't the one who made the initial agreement to leave England. The Dursley woman handed her over, and only made a deal for riches. Not that anyone would be aware of that for a while.

So she could still make a contract.

Crowley smirked. He knew keeping the girl close was one of his better ideas and finding that soul shard only made it even better. At least now he had a way to keep Lilith from ever trying to get her claws into his girl once she finally learned of her existence.

Only a mortal could possess the Elder wand, and what he had in mind would keep Death from throwing a fit.

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><p>Helen looked at Crowley with an odd expression.<p>

"I thought only idiots with a lack of options made contracts?" she asked. Outside the room in the den where most of the demons who had nothing better to do congregated to watch the latest movies, Dave choked.

"Where in the pit did you get that idea?"

"You made a contract with that woman, and she's one of the biggest idiots I've ever met," she stated flatly, before adding "And I know you've practically got every single adult in Surrey on your list of people to be eaten."

Dave snickered.

"She has you there boss," he said.

"No comments from the peanut gallery!" Crowley shot back.

Helen looked at Crowley impassively. He wasn't a fool, the girl was a sharp as a tack when she wanted to be, but most people never realized it because of how quiet she was.

"What would be in it for me?" she asked.

"For starters, you would never be forced to return to England unless I send you on assignment, and the only reason you would come within a mile of Surrey is to watch it burn," said Crowley immediately.

Helen perked up at that.

"No more England?"

"Except for assignments and only ones we both agree on. You're going to be my secret weapon, and that means we need to keep you far from Lilith and anyone who would use you as another meat suit."

That was one of Crowley's bigger problems. If a demon used her as a meat suit, then it ran the risk of her being killed while possessed, or even more foreboding, kidnapped and raised by hunters or a priest. And if he wanted to net Riddle and Dumbledore's souls once and for all, he had to keep Helen close and more importantly safe.

"Where will I stay?"

"You'll continue to stay right here. Easier to keep you far away from certain annoying elements, and it's the only house I own that's shielded from those bloody angels."

Angels were already wondering where the girl had vanished off to, fortunately they hadn't noticed the sudden upsurge in demon deals in Surrey. If they found out he had her, there would be no end of trouble from the feather dusters.

Helen stared at him with an expressionless gaze.

"If I'm living here does that make you my dad?"

Dave, who had been drinking a soda at the time she voiced that question, started choking. Some of it went up his nose, causing him to swear profusely.

Crowley didn't bother to tell him to keep it down. Helen had heard far worse since coming to live in his house. He was almost certain the girl was cataloging them for future use. Besides, it was hilarious to see the demon trying to clear his nose of the fizzy drink.

"Depends. Do you want to be related to me?"

"You don't lie about what you are. Those people pretended to be nice, but they were monsters. You at least admit that you're not a good person and that you could care less about how humanity sees you," she stated flatly.

Now it was Crowley's turn to choke. Come to think of it, Helen never once looked afraid of the demons that came to the house...and he knew for a fact she could see their true forms. For some bizarre reason, Helen could see hellhounds even when they were invisible and the real form of the demon inside. More than once he caught her commenting on something she should by all rights be unable to see. Not once did she cry, or look afraid. He wondered how she would react to Alistair.

Helen _hated_ liars and hypocrites.

"Here's the deal. There are two souls in particular that happen to be in Europe we either can't touch or are having a great deal of trouble collecting. Normally I would just send the hellhounds to rip them apart, but one of them was fractured into pieces and the other is currently in possession of something that would cause more headaches than it's worth at the moment. Which is why I would need you to get rid of the issues keeping us from collecting these two overdue souls," stated Crowley flatly.

"Why can't you send the demons in to get the second one?"

Crowley inwardly cheered. Thank the pit Helen was smarter and more quick witted than most children her age!

"The second soul has something that belongs to the Horseman called Death. Death has stated very clearly he will not accept a demon or angel to take any of the three things he left behind before he was sealed up, and if we were to send someone in to just take it he would throw the biggest bitch fit hell has ever seen. However, there is a major loophole to this issue, and that's if we send in a human who is _not_ possessed or being ridden by an angel, but is still allied with one of the two."

"Which is where I come in. I'm not a meat suit and I'm not exactly inclined to help the angels."

"You're a natural witch. You don't need to make arrangements with one of our kind, but there's nothing to say you couldn't work _with _us. Death can't exactly complain if you take the items so we could collect those souls," said Crowley.

"So I get a family, freedom from those people permanently, and a home. You get overdue souls...and what else?" she asked.

"A very useful minion that can go past warding against demons, someone I can use to piss off Lilith immensely once they start going after the Winchester brothers, and hopefully someone who can help collect souls that try to get out of their contract," stated Crowley.

The only demons that were allowed to live inside the manor were those loyal only to Crowley. Most of which weren't fans of Alistair or Lilith, because they had the habit of attacking people who screwed up. Crowley picked up those who failed one mission or another through no fault of their own who weren't feeling very charitable towards their superiors.

They joined Crowley because the worse he did to his lackeys was throw fireballs or yell at them with a swift kick in the ass. The really unlucky ones usually had to clean out the hellhound pens, which was a nasty job to begin with, and only compounded by the fact some of them were feral to the point they would maul their handlers. He was one of the easier demons to work under.

So the fact he had no love for Lilith and was fully prepared to screw up the 'Big Plan' for the Winchesters was something they weren't inclined to mention. Not if they wanted to live at any rate.

"How am I supposed to collect two overdue souls? You don't exactly speak highly of the human magical schools, and very few of the demons would be able to train me in hell magic considering it would draw hunters like flies to honey," she asked.

Hell magic, when used by mortals, had the most annoying habit of drawing the attention of any hunters looking for something to do. And if they found Helen, then it was an almost guarantee that they would either A) kill her, or B) try to take her away from the demon teaching her and attempt to raise her away from that path.

There was no way in heaven Crowley was letting _that_ happen. So he needed to do something to give the girl an even bigger edge than the prophecy which had kept her alive that night. Something no one would expect until she came into her own.

"You let me worry about that."

"Can I wait until you figure it out first?" she asked.

Dave snorted again, this time getting even more soda up his nose, causing him to swear again.

"She has you pegged boss," said Dave roughly.

"Again, no comments from the peanut gallery. Shouldn't you morons be out torturing some dumbass hunters?" snapped Crowley.

"And miss this?" said another demon.

"Yeah, not every day hard ass Crowley ends up adopting a natural witch!" cat-called another.

They kept that up right until Crowley started flinging fireballs at them, causing Helen to giggle at the destruction and start egging the demon on.

Say what you would about demons, but they knew very well how to create and raise a budding pyromaniac. And if there was one thing guaranteed to make Helen happy, it was watching things burn.


	3. Chapter 3

Crowley's dilemma over how to give his prospective daughter an edge against hunters, angels and the eventual magical morons was something he debated on for several months. Until he heard Mephistopheles bitch and moan about how his new Rider screwed the pooch deliberately and told him to go bugger himself after he told the man to retrieve the old contract from the previous one.

Johnny Blaze was officially Crowley's favorite Ghost Rider, because he had pissed off that old demon beyond belief and offed those morons that followed Blackheart, along with the blowhard brat himself. The brat was beyond irritating to listen to, always shooting his mouth off about how he would take over his father's place and rule hell.

Hardly anyone took him serious because those with half a brain could tell he was all talk, no real power. The only reason none of the real players had offed him was because of the fact he was more Mephistopheles' headache and not theirs. If he had moved against say, Lilith or Alistair, he would have become a stain in hell and he damn well knew it.

Still, hearing the older demon bitch about Blaze gave him an idea. He could turn Helen into a Rider, one without the annoying angel to go with it. Everyone knew where Lucifer's Grace had fallen, but heaven left it alone because it would be needed once he took his true vessel. Well, that and by the time it was found Lucifer had already created Lilith, and now demons guarded it around the clock.

Demons who kept angels, hunters...anything that wasn't a demon really...far, far away.

So it was doubtful anyone would care if he just happened to be in the area.

Odds were he could word his little trick as a way to insure the younger Winchester fell and said yes to Lucifer. After all, he might be more inclined to trust a witch than he would Ruby, who was the one chosen to seduce him. Especially since he was going to train Helen to not rely on her magic like nearly every other European bred witch.

Besides...that way no one will ask why Helen was on the list of people they couldn't possess and keep the angels from getting their mitts on her at the same time.

* * *

><p>Helen read the contract over. You really couldn't live in the house with a crossroads demon without at the very least learning how to read and speak Latin as easily as English.<p>

The bare bones of the thing was that she had double the usual amount of time to collect Riddle's soul (and preferably Dumbledore, but she mostly needed Riddle) in exchange for being magically adopted as Crowley's daughter and to keep the powers he was going to give her once she reached eleven. The contract wouldn't take hold until he gave her the powers, but the adoption just needed her blood and signature to be complete. The goblins had agreed to seal the adoption once they had that, if only so they could royally piss off Dumbledore and the Ministry the second they realized their precious poster girl wasn't under their control anymore.

Well that, and it always paid to keep a demon like Crowley on their good side, but mostly it was to piss off the Ministry and Dumbledore.

"Wait, what is this?"

"The one loophole that keeps Lilith from getting on my ass later. Considering how close you are to the hellhounds, I have very little doubt that you _couldn't_ catch this idiot in ten years. You're already ten times smarter than the idiots running the place. All you have to do to fill you end of the deal is get the pieces the bastard scattered around Europe and you get to keep the nifty powers I'm handing over."

Helen gave him a flat look.

"So basically it's sink or swim once I turn eleven."

"Oh no, I'm not sending out a newly created Rider who's too young to actually _ride_ anything without getting busted by cops once the sun came up. Too much of a headache. Which is why once you get the powers we are going to be spending a few years teaching you how to use the damn things. And after having to listen to Mephistopheles bitch about how his Riders have issues controlling their spirit after the first decade, I'm making sure yours will be added _directly_ to your magical core."

"I have only one question about the Rider. Do I get to blow things up?"

"The Rider is always enveloped in flames. I think fire affinity is a guarantee. And don't think I didn't notice you burning things in your room," said Crowley flatly.

Helen didn't look even remotely ashamed for burning random crap in her room. It wasn't like the demons cared so long as she didn't burn herself in the process.

The girl considered this.

"So...I can cause massive collateral damage with my fireballs and escape before anyone finds out my identity?" she asked.

Crowley smirked.

"By the time we're done with you, you'll be giving hunters heart attacks when they find out you're in the same state," said Crowley.

The unholy cackle Helen let off actually sent a spark of fatherly pride in Crowley. After all, he was the one who originally taught her the fireball spell.

* * *

><p><em>Helen, age eleven...<em>

It was her eleventh birthday, and the official start of the contract. Well, actually it was when she finally signed the thing with a blood quill her father always kept on hand. Once the blood dried, she felt a surge of energy go from the paper into her magical core, which the lone demon witch on Crowley's payroll showed her how to use without those silly wands the European magicals seemed to need.

Derrick was a nice man, but to be honest he was a bit of a klutz. It was almost impossible to believe he was someone who made an agreement with Crowley for magic, or that he was an actual threat.

Probably why the hunters kept missing him. Well that and he kept a very strict eye on anyone coming to his town and usually left after leaving a few time-delayed hex bags behind that directed the hunter to people who had pissed him off enough.

"Now we just have to wait until sunset and for the damn power to react to us," said Crowley.

"Why?"

"For some annoying reason Mephistopheles set the power to only activate at night, barring the rare Rider who got enough control over the bloody thing to stay active. However the power itself was severely weakened by light. I'm fairly certain it was because the old bastard is a known night owl who hated mornings," said Crowley off hand.

"Plus everyone knows the Rider goes after 'evil'."

"What if the Rider's definition of evil is a bit...skewed?" asked Helen.

"It reacts to the darkness in the human heart. Nothing's darker than a demon," stated Crowley flatly.

Helen had to say it, no matter how much Crowley would be annoyed with her for it.

"Unless you count the last time you tried to cook. Did we ever get that smell out of the kitchen where the oven _used _to be?"

Crowley, despite being a demon, could not cook for the life of him. He had tried one memorable night to cook something for a snack out of boredom, and had nearly burned down the entire manor before they managed to get the flames under control. Never mind the mad scramble to keep it contained just to the kitchen.

Helen had been torn between helping and making the situation worse. Either way the incident stuck in her memory.

The irony was that she was an excellent cook, but her adopted father's inability to make even an egg without setting the stove on fire was a running gag with the demons who worked under him.

They called any minor incident of flames where they weren't supposed to be a 'Crowley'.

The second she said that, almost every demon (barring Crowley himself) started howling. Some were on the floor with tears in their eyes.

"And to think, I was going to give you the present Alistair left once he heard my idea to get someone to track down all those overdue souls," said Crowley.

Helen perked up. For some _unfathomable_ reason, she and Alistair got along the same way she picked up fire-based spells. To Crowley's open relief, this odd companionship did not extend to Lilith or her bitch Ruby.

Either way, Alistair took a liking to Crowley's little "hellion" as he called her. So much so that he parted with no less than _four_ of his prized hell hound pups, all from different pairings.

Helen took one look at the Tindalos hounds (which Crowley couldn't get his hands on as they were extremely vicious unless you got to them early enough) and squealed like any other girl her age would around a normal puppy.

"They're SOOOO cute!"

The four hounds would become massive when they grew up. The paws alone said that much. Each of them had slightly different coloring. Alistair had given Helen two sets of breeding pairs.

Helen picked up the biggest one first. It had blood red eyes and white streaks through it's midnight black fur. The fangs along looked like they could rip a man's arm off.

"I'll call her Lucy."

She picked up the second female. This one was only _marginally_ smaller than the first, but she looked twice as vicious. Crowley had raised a lot of hell hounds, and he could tell at a glance this one was even more vicious than the breeding female that Helen had bonded with shortly after moving into his house. Her fur was almost entirely black with red streaks along her legs.

"This one I'll call Ali."

Helen hugged one of the male pups.

"You I'll name Nick."

He was stocky with dark ash gray fur and was almost as big as an English bulldog, despite only being recently weaned. He was going to be a monster when he was full grown. He was almost all muscle.

Helen picked up the last pup.

"You're Hermes," she said firmly. The smallest (but no less vicious) puppy barked, licking her face.

It was the same color as dried blood, and clearly bred for speed above power. It was also going to be the smallest of the lot, if Crowley was any judge.

"So we have Lucy, Ali, Nick and Hermes. Alright, I'll bite, where'd you come up with those?" asked Derrick.

"Lucy, is short for Lucifer. (Crowley choked back a laugh that his daughter had named her Alpha bitch after an angel, despite the fact Lucifer was a _boy's_ name.) Ali for Uncle Alistair, because she reminds me of him. Nick because one of the older names for the Morning Star once he fell was 'Old Nick'...and because he kinda reminds me of Little Nicky. And Hermes because he was the fastest of the Greeks gods, and known for his trickery."

"I'll agree that the smaller female is like a bitch version of Alistair," said Crowley, "But _when_ exactly did you watch that ridiculous movie _Little Nicky_?"

Helen hooked a thumb at Dave.

"He and the others were watching it for a laugh, and they didn't care if I joined in. Though to be perfectly honest the idea of 'Satan' knocking up a freaking angel that hasn't fallen is so ridiculous it's not even worth mentioning," said Helen.

Every demon (and lone demon witch) snorted in agreement.

That movie was an insult to hell. It was more comic relief than anything to anyone in the actual know of what hell was really like, especially the part about the main character being half 'devil', half angel.

The angels would never allow such an abomination to exist, and if one did then it would have been either corrupted before the first century in hell or killed off.

When the sun came down, Helen could feel something wake up.

Her magical core, which had finally settled enough for her to actively start practicing magic, flared with the new power. Blue flames erupted from her skin, revealing bones underneath.

Crowley couldn't help the pleased expression on his face. He knew adding it directly to her magical core was a better idea than having Helen fight the Grace for dominance. Mephistopheles was an idiot.

"_How come I don't feel like killing everyone?"_ she asked, her voice warped.

"One, I only added the Grace of the angel, not the angel itself. I'm not chancing you accidentally healing a fallen to the point where it could turn you against me. Two, you just now awoke the Rider's power, meaning you have time to settle it in. I'm fairly sure the only reason you aren't trying to off us though is because you know we're your allies, not your prey," said Crowley flatly.

Most of the crap the Riders went through was because they had to fight the angel's consciousness, and the fact that it had been driven mad through repeated forced possessions.

Helen spotted the owl, and blasted it out of habit. The birds were getting _very_ annoying lately.

Especially since they couldn't even get her name right!

"Another one?" asked Crowley. She nodded. "That does it. If I see one more bloody owl across the property line I'm sending you to the pit to learn how to use that whip of yours for a month."

Crowley had learned entirely by accident that thanks to the Rider's powers, she could now follow him into the pit without any problems at all. So long as she kept up the blue flames, she could walk through hell without being affected in the least. However if she stayed there too long without the flames, she had the bad habit of aging.

On the plus side, she no longer looked several years too young. She should look eleven years old, yet after dropping the flames a few times while visiting her 'Uncle Alistair' (something that had more than a few demons cracking up about, and wondering how the hell someone as bright and cheerful as Helen could call Alistair of all creatures Uncle with a straight face...and without being tortured for it) she now looked closer to thirteen.

Crowley was dreading the day she hit her period for the first time.

Even if it meant more protection from Lilith, who hated possessing anyone older than a prepubescent because she could cause so much more damage, the fact was Crowley had the worst suspicion that the second that cycle started his daughter would turn into a complete and utter rampaging bitch.

And as hilarious as it would be to watch such a spectacle, it also meant he would have to deal with another headache he had more or less avoided because he insisted on home-schooling Helen.

Dating.

The mere thought of Helen dating anyone gave him nightmares.


	4. Chapter 4

**I did a time skip to fourth year. You didn't really think Crowley would let his daughter be corrupted by _wizards_ did you?**

* * *

><p>"I'm telling you, I saw her! The Rider!" said Ron to his best 'friend' Harry Potter.<p>

'Harry' wasn't in fact alive. He was little more than a doppelganger made from the remains of James Potter in a vain attempt by Dumbledore to stave off the panic about the fact he had lost the true savior, Helena Rosemary Potter. Because he was creating little more than a clone with no real life to it, he was unable to change the gender.

At this point common consensus was that the midwife mistook the gender of the savior.

Those who were actually close to the Potters, namely the girl's godfather and werewolf uncle, had taken one look at the thing and wanted nothing to do with it. That was actually what finally tipped Snape off that the thing was a fake. Well that and the behavior seemed rather hollow for a child, even one as 'withdrawn' as the brat was.

'Harry' replied back with a monotone "Everyone knows the Rider is a myth."

For four years, there had been countless rumors of a 'Mage Rider' who rode on top of one of four massive hounds. The other three usually trailed behind the one being used as a mount like some form of twisted pack.

The woman (at least most assumed it was a female, considering more often than not the Rider wore female clothing) would break through wards and ignore barriers meant to deter unwanted guests and rip apart those who were later found to be 'former' Death Eaters during the war.

More than one line had already ended by her hand, at least that was what the rumors claimed.

Some wondered if she was a witch trained by Dumbledore come out of hiding to address the 'rumors' that Voldemort's shade had been seen repeatedly in Hogwarts since Potter's return.

More of the muggleborns, who heard of Johnny Blaze in America, had another idea. They suggested she was a 'Ghost Rider' with a major grudge against natural witches for some reason.

The only thing that baffled Hermione was the fact that the Ghost Rider was a _known_ associate of a demon. Why would someone working for demons go after Death Eaters?

It was the start of fourth year, and they were already anticipating one of two things. One, the Tri-Wizard Tournament which hadn't taken place in nearly a hundred years after the last one ended with the winner being awarded the prize posthumously. The second, which was even bigger news than the first was the fact that for the first time in _two_ hundred years, they would be accepting a transfer student.

One who had been home-schooled since they was a child in America.

Needless to say many were eager to meet their American counterpart.

"So where do you think they are? I mean he could be anywhere!" said Ron.

"Honestly Ronald, didn't you hear Professor Dumbledore? He said they would be arriving with the other schools, since there was a scheduling conflict with the American Ministry."

What Hermione was unaware of was that it was less of a scheduling conflict and more like Helen did _not_ want to be sorted with a bunch of freaking eleven year olds. Thankfully her time in the pit made her older looking than she actually was.

She looked more like an eighteen-year-old than a fourteen-year-old. A fact she capitalized on without qualms.

Crowley was just glad that she never hit puberty until only recently, even if he _did_ chicken out on explaining what was going on by throwing her in Alistair's direction with the request he teach her biology of humans.

Who better to teach how the human body worked than the demon who specialized in taking it apart?

He could live with the endless ribbing and mocking from his lackeys about throwing her to the chief Torturer in hell to avoid having to deal with her finally coming into her teen years. No way in heaven was Crowley dealing with Helen during her period until she got used to it. He wasn't a complete idiot.

Even if, as a consequence of having Alistair teach her what she needed to know, Helen became an outright total bitch. The only ones spared from her scathing tongue and acid wit were those she liked...and her Daddy.

The amount of laughter at Crowley's expense when, after she came out of the pit, she tackled him with a loud cry of 'Daddy!' was almost as loud as the amount of mocking laughter he heard whenever Helen chased him out of the kitchens. It was his own bloody house, and he wasn't allowed in the kitchens. How was that fair?

Helen's mind had broken, yet strangely she had lost none of her purity. Her soul was still as pure and strong as the day Crowley took her from England.

If not for the fact she still had an open deal left on her tab, she would surely ascend to heaven upon death.

Crowley was torn about how to feel about that. On one hand, it would be hilarious to see how the angels dealt with a demon-raised, Alistair trained Potter...on the other it meant he wouldn't be able to see his little hellion without having to deal with angel taint.

Eventually he settled on one simple fact. He was a possessive son of a bitch and there was no way he was letting heaven have his baby hellion without a bloody fight. The fact Helen was just as reluctant to leave him was just bonus.

* * *

><p>Helen rode Lucy like a horse. She was easily as big as one to pull it off, even if she never used a saddle or reigns. Lucy knew who the true alpha bitch was, especially after Alistair showed her how to train her hell hounds. Sure, spending ten years as the Rider to avoid aging too fast was a pain in the ass, but the training she went through was worth it.<p>

Alistair was so proud of his 'niece'. About the only high-level demons she didn't get along with were Lilith and Mephistopheles. Lilith, because she was a rampaging white-eyed bitchy whore (Helen's words, not Crowley's, though he still laughed his ass off when he heard it) and Mephistopheles because she was a success where his Riders were a complete and utter failure.

Crowley's "Rider" at least listen to orders. Mephistopheles however kept having his Riders rebel and screw up well laid plans.

Helen cackled to herself. This was going to be entertaining.

It was after the Durmstrang boys finished their act, and right before Hogwarts was about to try and compete with the admittedly impressive performance from the French and Bulgarian students.

There was a sudden bang, causing most in the hall to jump as the magicals realized what was in the hall with them.

Four massive hell hounds, two on each side of someone wearing a short flared skirt that just barely reached the knees, as well as a shirt that only _just_ kept the *ahem* impressive assets on her chest from bursting out with a strong black leather cord, at least that was what it looked like. The only reason the female teachers weren't complaining about the obviously scandalous outfit was because it was all covered by a very long black trench coat.

Well that and because the owner of the hounds was entirely engulfed in blue hell flames.

The female (at least they_ assumed_ it was female) walked right up to the front where the staff table was.

"May I help you?" Dumbledore bravely asked.

It was painfully obvious who this was. The Mage Rider.

"**Sorry I'm late. Had a bit of trouble running across water, since my pack dislikes it so much,"**said the Rider.

Then, to the absolute shock of everyone there, the flames dispersed, revealed a drop-dead gorgeous teenager with straight red hair the color of flames, deep green eyes, and skin that was pale, but in a healthy way. Without the flames obscuring her figure, her assets were much more obvious. McGonagall looked in deep disapproval with how much skin the girl was showing.

It was indecent.

The boys however, were already loving the new girl. She was major eye-candy for everyone.

Dumbledore looked the girl in the eye.

"You would be Helen Crowley?" he asked carefully.

The girl smirked.

"Oh good, and here I thought my little entrance made you lose what little sanity you had. I'm Helen Crowley."

It was like pure sin. Those eyes combined with that secretive smile...it would inflame any straight man with lust. Thankfully Dumbledore was quite happy to be gay. Right now he was seriously wondering if the girl had Veela blood in her.

He spared a glance at the hell hounds, who sat at attention beside the girl.

"Before you ask, they are all my bonded familiars. Lucy, Nick, Ali and Hermes won't attack anyone...provided they don't piss me off," she added.

"Your file said you were fourteen. Why do you appear closer to eighteen?"

"This is all natural, thank you," she said frostily.

Dumbledore was taken aback. However they could sort the girl later once the feast was over.

"Please, find a table. We can sort you after the feast," he suggested.

Helen snorted openly. Three of the hounds promptly vanished, which was typical of their breed. However the smallest one remained. It stayed at Helen's side right until she sat at the Ravenclaw table.

With her abrupt appearance, Helen had effectively made everyone forget about the fact Hogwarts had yet to show off to the other two schools.

Which was probably a good thing, since Dumbledore's big idea was to have everyone sing the school song, and most of the students were terribly off-key at the best of times. That would have set off the pack for sure.

The only one brave enough to talk to the Mage Rider was Ravenclaw's own odd duckling, Luna Lovegood.

"So is it true that the Rider's power comes from fallen angels?" she asked curiously.

"Captured angels is more like it. Mephistopheles may have trouble with his, but my father figured out how to do it without the Rider fighting me for control. Is the rumor that Ravenclaw has it's own private library and is next to the library correct?" she asked, ladling mashed potatoes, pretty much anything that struck her fancy to her plate.

"It is," said Chang, the Ravenclaw prefect.

"Really..." said Helen, smirking.

Most of the boys were sporting tents pants at her smirk. The only one not impressed with her act was the French girl, Fleur Delacour.

"_Must you really play off their hormonal impulses,"_ she asked in snotty French.

Helen gave the rather annoyed French girl a sneer.

"_Not my fault that most boys think with their smaller head and not their proper one. If they're going to act like complete fools, then I want to see some proper entertainment out of it,"_ she replied back in perfect French.

"_Yes, but the rest of us will have to deal with the fall out. They're already impossible to deal with. The last thing we need is for them to look at us like eye candy,"_ said Fleur.

"_They already _do_. Girls are already smarter than men, so why shouldn't we turn them into our personal play things? Not our fault if 'god' decided to make men faulty. If we can't work circles around hormonal idiots, then we're no better than those simpering fools who sit at home all day and play house maker with a bunch of simpering brats,"_ Helen cattily replied.

Fleur made a face. It was pretty clear Helen was a complete and utter bitch. Which meant she would be impossible to deal with. Fortunately the French girls wouldn't have to live with her.

She did not envy the females on the Hogwarts staff.

Later that night Helen was promptly assigned to Ravenclaw. McGonagall was torn between being upset about the fact the girl was in a house lead by a man, and thrilled that the girl's apparently lack of concern over what was socially acceptable in _proper_ society wasn't her problem. She didn't feel the least bit of envy towards Filius. She could already tell Ms. Crowley would be a nightmare to keep under control.

* * *

><p>Helen Crowley had, in one short week, taken full control over the males (and a few select females) of Hogwarts. The students anyway. The male professors didn't know whether to love her because she actually<em> paid<em> attention to them and at least listened to instructions, or hate her because of the way she could get every single male in her year to become drooling morons.

The female professors didn't have that problem. They disliked her because while she was a confident, strong young woman, she also made the majority of the girls look bad. She never wore the Hogwarts robes, but rather scandalous clothing that just _barely_ qualified as acceptable by Hogwart's standards. It was also very apparent the girl wasn't above using her figure and gestures to turn the boys into simpering idiots who would dance to her every whim.

The Hogwarts girls (those that were straight anyway) absolutely _hated_ Helen. She made them look bad without even trying, and what was even worse was that she outclassed them so easily to the point where girls were openly slapping their boyfriends for starting at the American's ass when she passed by.

Helen simply _loved_ causing chaos. The only times she didn't where when she raided the library for more books to read. Or when she easily slipped past the age line to drop her name in.

If she was going to disgrace Hogwarts, she wanted to do it in _style_. It would be outright hilarious to beat all the champions without even trying.

The only downside was that she was having a great deal of trouble locating those blasted shards. She already found one in the cavern under the school (hearing about the Chamber of Secrets and the diary had pointed her to that direction...luckily there was still enough trace amounts of the fragment sludge to collect) but the other one was proving a pain in the ass to find.

The only thing she had pinned down was that it was on the seventh floor somewhere behind a portrait of trolls dancing. Whoever came up with _that_ idea was a complete idiot, in her opinion.

Seeing yet another boy walk right into a wall, Helen smirked.

Being the Queen Bitch had it's perks.


	5. Chapter 5

Hermione Granger was furious. The one boy she had a smidgen of interest in turned into a bigger idiot than usually. All because of _her_.

Helen bloody Crowley. She made every girl in the school look bad, and she knew it. In fact she ENJOYED the seething looks. And those outfits!

The boys were bad enough, but she turned them into drooling apes concerned with one thing and one thing only!

For the first time in her life, Hermione Granger was in complete agreement with nearly every girl in the school. Helen Crowley was their worst enemy. They must destroy her or render her useless.

* * *

><p>For the first time in a long time, Luna Lovegood was one happy girl. She was the only straight girl in the school who didn't despise Crowley with every fiber in her being.<p>

This was because A) Helen not only knew of the creatures she was always talking about, but had seen them first hand, B) she was the only one Helen didn't act like a complete bitch around and C) because out of the entire student body and staff, only Luna and Hagrid actually got along well enough with the hell hound bodyguards to the point they could pet one.

This was because they were the _only_ people who didn't show fear towards the hounds. Animals picked up on that sort of thing, hell hounds in particular.

As such, she was officially labeled Helen's lackey to the point her things were no longer being taken and the other girls left her alone.

It was less of them being afraid of bullying her and more along the lines of them being more focused on destroying Helen.

* * *

><p>"The champion for Hogwarts is... Helen Crowley?" said Dumbledore, not sure he had read that correctly. How in magic's name did she bypass his age line? And why had the Goblet picked her?<p>

Helen smirked, and sauntered to the side room. Dumbledore was about to follow when the Goblet spit out one last name.

"Harry Potter!"

Helen was in the side room, looking very smug indeed, when _it_ walked in. She sat up and glared at _it_.

Fleur, who was far more versed in 'absolute bitch' than the rest of the room, noticed the immediate change.

"This is unprecedented! May I introduce the fourth champion!" said Bagman a little too excitedly.

Helen eyed the thing with open distaste. Now that she had a proper look at "Potter", she could easily tell the thing was a fake. Probably Dumbledore's attempts to keep the fact he lost the real one under wraps.

She more or less ignored the fake, though she made a point to keep her distance from the thing. Frankly she was amazed the goblins hadn't picked up on it yet. Creating one of those came very, very close to committing line theft, which they absolutely hated.

Actually, she was more surprised her father had failed to mention Dumbledore had created a fake. Or that for some reason it was a _boy_.

About the only inspection she gave of it was to see how people missed the fact it wasn't real. Whoever created it at least had the sense to change the eye color, but the green was entirely the wrong shade. And that lightning bolt was the wrong shape.

Helen was openly disgusted being that close to such poor craftsmanship. It was like some low-level pit demon who was recently converted decided to make his own meat suit, had failed in creating it properly and the thing was so defective it couldn't be used like it was supposed to.

She was half tempted to cut the strings...until she had a much more amusing idea.

She wasn't a bitch for nothing, and at the very least this was a good way to send the message to the magicals. You don't try to take something from a crossroads demon's daughter. Especially if that demon was Fergus Crowley.

The only reason the goblins hadn't raised a fuss by now was because Dumbledore didn't want them to know he had made a fake using James Potter's remains. They never would have remained quiet about the potential for line theft.

Helen couldn't wait to see Dumbledore's face when he realized his fake Potter was possessed by a demon with a mark to keep him from exorcising it.

If there was one thing Meg was good for, it was demon runes and spells. Even if she thought Azazel and her brother were total dicks. For some reason she got along with Meg just fine.

* * *

><p>In Gryffindor Tower a week later, 'Harry' sat up with a gasp as something entered through the window and into 'his' body. The black smoke rammed itself down the throat and the slime-green eyes turned to a pitch black.<p>

Crowley had been very amused by Helen's idea of turning the fake into a meat suit for one of the lackeys who knew better than to piss her off. One so low ranked that he would follow orders without questioning her, because otherwise she would turn him into ash.

However the amusement value of a demon-possessed fake working in the shadows with Helen was so high that it was worth whittling down the wards around the school and insuring the house elves would leave that window open just enough for the smoke to come in.

No one would realize that the fake was now a demon. Especially since 'Harry' rarely ate to begin with.

The wards of Hogwarts were so outdated and depleted that they were a joke. Breaking one was pathetically easy.

* * *

><p>Helen was with Hagrid, cooing at the massive three-headed dog.<p>

"He's absolutely _adorable!_" she said enthusiastically. Hagrid beamed at her.

The minute she found out he wasn't the least bit afraid of her dogs and had even petted Lucy a little, Helen had liked him. She toned down her Queen Bitch persona around him, and the two were often found debating dangerous and often times terrifying animals. Helen had been unimpressed with the Acromantula, but the second she saw Fluffy for the first time she had actually squealed in girlish delight and started petting any head she could reach.

That was actually what cemented her as a nice girl in Hagrid's book. Sure, she was a bit frosty, but it was hard for the half-giant to equate the girl as evil when she was so friendly and gentle with Fluffy.

Beside her, Luna was petting the lone head Helen couldn't reach.

It was because of this that Hagrid discreetly showed Helen the dragons. While she appreciated the head's up, she really didn't care about the fire breathing lizards.

For magic's sake, she was the Rider. She specialized in fire spells and she could spit fireballs for fun. Being hit with dragonfire wasn't going to bother her one bit. She was fireproof as a consequence of being a pyromaniac and she laughed off burns.

Alistair had taken great enjoyment teaching her that fireball trick, and she had even greater fun practicing it on the idiots on the rack.

It said a lot about her personality that he would agree to her claim of being his 'niece'. She amused him that much, and seeing her attempts at torture gave the demon some strange measure of pride.

The girl had a strong, too pure soul, but she could match him scream to agonized scream.

It was a strange thing that such a girl could match Alistair in the torture department, Crowley in the snark and generally conniving area, and yet still remain as cheerful and openly innocent as the day Crowley rescued her from suburbia hell.

A hell which, Crowley was very pleased to note, would not remain in existence much longer. He was going to send the hell hounds to Surrey the second Petunia Dursley's contract came up, and while watching the residents struggle to get out of it would be amusing, having Helen go in and torch the place with a song in her heart and laughter in her voice was far more rewarding.

Besides, their contract stated that they only got ten years. He never said a word about Helen returning to finish the place off a little early.

* * *

><p>Helen picked out the most vicious, nasty, and all around dangerous one of the bunch. The demon-possessed fake picked the tamest. Fortunately the weak idiot knew enough to cover his tracks, and wizards weren't the smartest bunch in the world.<p>

They wouldn't look twice at the spells he was about to cast to get that egg, especially when he had Granger give him an alibi for how he knew them by asking her to translate. The brunette was played like a fiddle.

Helen ignored the crowd outside, and listened to Evanescence on her headphones. Finally it was her turn, and she tossed the idiotic gym outfit they had conjured up for her. Snapping into place was her standard Rider outfit, minus the coat.

She had long since created a spell that would conjure up the outfit she had worn walking into the school the second she started channeling hell magic. It made thing so much simpler and it was always entertaining to see the teachers try and fail to get her to change her clothes to something a bit more...'decent'...in their terms.

Helen sauntered out of the tent, enjoying the looks of the adult females and a good chunk of the female students. The adults in the crowd looked scandalized by her outfit, and the younger ones looked pissed.

Most of the men were staring at either her bust or what little they could see of her ass.

Idiots.

Helen however, was smirking at the Horntail.

The hormonal mother dragon took one whiff of the girl's scent and knew she was trouble.

It shot flames at the hell-witch, who didn't bother to dodge or draw up her fake wand. The only wand she owned was a spare one her father had lying around, since most of the time she never needed one. She just brought it to keep the Europeans morons off her case.

Helen cackled in an insane manner. She had plenty of time to perfect her Bitch cackle, as she liked to call it. She ran up the rocks, ignoring the disappointed sounds of the males in the crowd when they realized she wore bike shorts under that flared skirt of hers, hiding her bottom half. She literally treated the sharp rocks as flat ground, climbing them with distracting ease.

The horntail tried to burn her alive, but the fire barely singed her hair. Two more tries, and it realized it's fire wouldn't harm the nuisance. It tried to slam it's poisonous spiked tail instead.

Helen vaulted over the spikes, cackling, as she did a textbook duck and roll close to the nest. She grabbed the golden egg, and in a fit of mischief stole one of the few remaining _living_ eggs in the nest. Her body blocked the eggs from view, so she made it appear as though she only took the gold one.

Hagrid wasn't the only soul who wanted a pet dragon. However unlike him, Helen knew how to train danger, fire-breathing and occasionally poisonous animals. And she wasn't stupid enough to raise one in a wooden hut.

Helen smirked when she got an _almost _full point from each judge. The only one who gave her a seven was Maxime, who clearly disapproved of her outfit. Karkaroff looked very much like he would gladly give her those missing points as extra for the show she just gave.

It was so easy to manipulate men. Show a little flesh, smile the right way and use the right tone... at this point she had a bigger list of males in her life that she actually respected than she did those she didn't.

And it took a lot to get on that list.

Madam Pomphrey thinned her mouth at Helen's outfit, but the girl snorted.

"Hey, they're the idiots who came up with dragons. And this outfit happens to be fire proof against stronger flames and comes with shielding to boot. Not my problem if it's so skimpy," she said flatly.

Pomphrey sent a few spells, detected those spells on the girl keeping flames of any kind away (unless it was healing fire, which was so rare it wasn't worth mentioning) and a general energy on her core that shouldn't be there normally. Sadly, when Helen showed up so Pomphrey would at least have a 'baseline' for her usual health (something she always did with a new doctor/healer) she had explained that in order to minimize the damage the Rider did to her body and maximize the amount of control she had, the demon who turned her into a Rider had bypassed possession and gone straight for her magical core.

The addition Pomphrey detected with her spell was the Rider's power covering her magical core.

Such additions were dangerous, almost impossible to do correctly, and more importantly highly illegal with certain magics. One of the few exceptions was the Rider's power, but if you were that desperate then the Ministry thought you deserved the headache of having to be a demon's bitch. They usually fined the idiot if that was the addition and ignored the person who made it. Because Helen was American (or at least had been raised in America), they couldn't do that much.

Luna bounced into the tent.

"You got the highest score. The others didn't do nearly as well," she informed her best friend. Helen was nicer to her than Ginny had ever been.

* * *

><p>Pansy Parkinson was not a smart girl. She wasn't beautiful, she wasn't as rich as she would like, and her charm needed work.<p>

The only thing she had going for her was that she was a self-serving, conniving bitch. Though apparently not at the level that skank Crowley was, to her rage.

Crowley had waltzed in, and in a single day had taken over the top bitch position in the school. And that was simply not excusable, since the entire reason why Pansy was more or less left alone was because she was too much for most girls or boys to handle. Her position in the school (and more importantly in her House) relied on her ability to remain on top.

Which meant the newcomer had to be taken down a peg...or ten. And Pansy had the perfect way to do that. She would use Crowley's own method of power against her and at the same time make her head of house pleased that he wouldn't have to deal with the boys ruining their potions because they were staring at Crowley again.

So, shortly after the first task and close after the news of the Yule Ball, Pansy managed to maneuver Crowley into an unused corridor where several of the upper year male Slytherins were waiting.

It was about time to teach Helen Crowley a lesson.

* * *

><p>Helen took one look inside the room where the boys were waiting, all sporting suspicious tents in their pants and locking the door behind them. There was no escape, not for a normal witch. Pansy looked particularly pleased with herself, so there was no doubt who had orchestrated this mess.<p>

Helen sneered at them all.

"I'm going to ask you idiots the same thing I asked the fool who tried to get me to enter his home when I was eleven without any other adults nearby. One, two or three?"

"One, two or three what?" sneered Bole, who's father was once a well respected Death Eater.

"Why the degree of burns I'm about to give you of course! Of course I could always leave it a surprise, but to be honest the last time I did that the man didn't exactly make it to the healer!" she chirped.

"Nice try bitch, but everyone knows the Rider can't come out during the day!" said Pansy.

"Who said I needed that to kick your ass?" asked Helen, cocking her head, "Uncle Alistair showed me how to cause maximum pain and minimum damage when he was training me in the pit."

And with that, Helen charged.

By the time the teachers followed the screaming, it was already too late. Helen was just finishing with the last one and Pansy was screaming from horror at what the other girl had done.

Snape had to break down the door with his own spells just to get in.

"What in blazes is going on here?" he demanded. Dumbledore, McGonagall and Moody were right behind him. Because Pansy was still screaming, Helen answered him.

"Parkinson here apparently doesn't like the fact I took over as the top bitch here in school, so she decided to 'teach me a lesson' with her friends here. Unfortunately for her, I know more on how to beat people up without the Rider's powers than she realized," Helen spat in Pansy's direction.

Snape gave Pansy a look. If one were pressed, Helen would say he was a mixture of disgusted and disappointed.

"Would you be willing to submit to veritaserum or pensieve to prove your claim?" he asked.

Helen sneered at Pansy, before she looked at Snape.

"Of course professor!"

Pansy was in for a lot of unpleasant questions when Helen proved to be telling the truth. Dumbledore looked disappointed, but Snape was disgusted. The foolish girl should have known better than to challenge a Rider. Especially when she didn't see or check for hell hounds.

If they didn't get involved, then she should have realized Helen was far more dangerous than she had originally assumed.


	6. Chapter 6

The entire school was abuzz with the attack. Namely the fact Helen sent all (barring one) of her attackers to St. Mungo's for some pretty extreme treatment. Pansy just _barely_ avoided being expelled, but now there was no chance Slytherin would win the house cup this year.

As a consequence, she had dropped from the top girl in Slytherin to the bottom. Things would be very rough for her for the next three years.

Helen, however, was now unequivocally on top. No one would dare challenge her power now, especially when she openly admitted that she had learned most of what she did to the boys from her 'Uncle' Alistair.

It had been Moody who clarified that the Alistair she was referring to was in fact Alistair, hell's chief torture master.

After hearing that. Dumbledore was forced to concede Helen could have been much, much worse. She could have done permanent damage instead of just emotional and psychological.

Helen growled. If she heard one more request from these idiots to be her date, she was going to start spitting fireballs instead of subtle dismissal. Or in the case of Ronald Weasley, who had asked her out _after_ he tried Fleur first, mocking laughter and several quick stabs at his personal hygiene.

The boy rarely bathed, his manners were deplorable, and he was one of those who spent far too much time staring at her bust or ass during classes. And the less she said about his personality, the better.

She even heard he tried his friend Hermione, who she knew for a fact was going with Viktor Krum. The Bulgarian didn't even remotely consider asking Helen, because he disliked her personality towards men.

Helen had her own plan, one that amused her greatly.

In order to get maximum enjoyment and not have to deal with some hormonal boy trying to get in her pants, she asked Fleur if she wouldn't mind being her date.

Of course she had to explain why she asked a girl instead of a boy.

"Let's face it, between our looks and the fact you're part Veela, we'd have to deal with a boy having to keep from drooling and stepping on our feet all night. However, if we went as each others dates, then we could have a fun dance and you could pick a partner from the drifters who won't bore you to tears for the night. The rules said we had to have someone to dance with, but there's no reason we need to deal with some hormonal boy drooling over us while we're trying to eat."

Fleur looked like she was considering the offer.

"If you go as my date, I guarantee I will drop most of the Queen Bitch act around you," said Helen.

"Deal."

To be honest, the agreement would work for both parties. This allowed her some decent conversation for the ball, kept them both from having to deal with the drooling apes that littered this school, and best of all Helen would be much nicer to her personally.

The only person who didn't get their head bitten off was Luna, from what she had seen.

Besides, it would be interesting to see how Helen did the music. After hearing these... Weirding Sisters, Helen had been so appalled that she insisted that she be allowed to do the music.

Dumbledore, in the hopes this would get Helen to bond with her fellow students, agreed to let her provide the music.

Which was why a week before the event there was a section of the Great Hall cordoned off with multiple spells. From what the students could see, it was a set of boxes.

Muggleborns had a decent idea of what Helen was going to do, especially after hearing a small fraction of the music she listened to.

They honestly couldn't wait.

More than one teacher was dreading what Helen would wear to the ball. Seeing her idea of an acceptable 'school' uniform, they were honestly terrified she would wear something that was more string than cloth.

As a result, they didn't even recognize her when she came down in a rather conservative (by her standards) dress that seemed like it was fire that had been stitched into a dress. Her hair was in a tasteful set of braids, with liberal gold and black streaks. She wore a pair of comfortable black slippers.

Fleur was honestly impressed.

"_Why don't you dress this way more often?"_

"_Because the complete bitch act and the skimpy clothing are a test. One which many fail. If they don't make the effort to get past the rough exterior, then why should I grace them with who I really am? Most people base others on appearances and never bother to look underneath. Besides, it's hilarious to watch men walk into walls because they were watching the wrong thing~!" _chirped Helen.

Fleur snorted in agreement. As much as she hated to admit it, it was hilarious to watch the small men crash into walls.

It took Hermione twice to be sure she was seeing things right.

"_Helen_?!" she said openly incredulous. It was like the other girl was wearing fire. Then she realized where she had seen that particular dress. "Isn't that the dress from the new _**Frozen**_ movie?"

"Well I'm no fan of the cold, so I chose to go Fire Queen instead of ice," she explained.

Hermione snorted.

However, once alerted to her presence, McGonagall did a double take when she saw Helen.

"Ms. Crowley, where is your date?" she asked.

Helen immediately pointed at Fleur.

"No way am I risking some idiot smashing my feet because he was looking at my breasts instead of at my face," said Helen flatly.

"It will be nice not to have to worry about my date dancing on my feet because of ze allure," added Fleur.

McGonagall would have asked why Helen didn't dress this normally all the time, but unfortunately the ball began. Several people did their own doubletake at Helen's outfit, and even more stared at the fact she had come with Fleur as her date.

Once the three required dances were over, Helen vanished for a moment. It wasn't until everyone had eaten that the beat started.

The covers had been vanished, revealed a large DJ booth, not that the teachers or the pure bloods knew what it was.

Helen had switched her outfit. Or at the very least adjusted the shoulders and hem of her dress. It showed a bit more skin, just barely keeping the sleeves of the dress from slipping. The hemline of the dress reached her knees, but didn't show more than that. The cloak attached to the back was shorter too, just barely touching the floor. She had a pair of cherry red shades that tinted her face just right. On her head was a pair of headphones, also matching the fire theme.

"You all ready to party?" she called out.

She slapped on a record and started the music.

Above, where the night sky usually showed, were now bright flashes of fireworks.

Further inspection revealed that the fireworks were all on the ceiling, and not outside.

Helen had dropped her bitch act to enlist the aid of the Weasley twins, who she heard had been developing some new fireworks. She had asked if they were interesting in showcasing some of their work, in order to generate some potential revenue later.

The second they mentioned their joke shop, Helen had offered to become their partner in exchange for equal ownership. She would supply the funds and pay for advertising in England, America and other countries, and they would supply the inventory and ideas. They could buy her out after five years, or pay her off if the store didn't take off.

Helen wasn't a fool. She had seen some of their work and realized it was much more entertaining than Zonko's. They were quite the innovators. And as the daughter of Fergus Crowley, she knew when the seize the moment.

Sure she would have to pony up 20,000 galleons, but compared to the amount she had in her vault and the potential profit, she would be a fool to pass this up. The only problem being the twin's mother learning of it before they set up the shop and somehow stopping it.

Helen agreed to come and help them find some trustworthy employees to man the shop until they graduated next year.

And by trustworthy, she meant potential crossroad demons who would learn how to manage contracts while running the shop. What better way to insure they learned Latin than by forcing them to endure translating spells? Most demons didn't learn that language until they had been around for fifty years (hell time), if that. And in exchange she would put in a good word with her father if they made a lot of money.

Most of the muggleborns were thrilled to hear more modern music as opposed to the 'music' that the pure bloods allowed in the school.

Helen played artists like Evanescence, Nickelback, Linkin Park, Demi Lovato, Fall Out Boy, Maroon 5, Three Doors Down, Three Days Grace...all the more popular bands from America. She even threw in a few artists she had never heard of that were recommended by the French and Bulgarian students. Only ones they could all agree on.

Once the teachers got over the shock of hearing more modern music, they quickly agreed on one thing.

They were glad that Helen had at least covered up a little more than she normally did. Who cared what the music sounded like?

The only snag she hit was during one of the breaks, she accidentally overheard Hagrid mentioning he was half giant out loud. Spotting an unusual beetle, Helen grabbed it before it could fly off, and shoved it into a bottle she had handy. The thing chittered at her angrily, but she gave it cold glare.

Rita was a fool if she thought that Helen wouldn't recognize those hideous glasses of hers. One of the perks of being the Rider was being able to see souls, and there was no way she missed the fact that the 'bug' had a human one. Hence why she had started carrying larger than normal bottles in the subspace her dad showed her how to use. It made carrying things so much easier.

Or in her father's case, storing snacks so the demons who tended to hang around the kitchens didn't have to chase him out. Most of them watched him like hawks in the event he tried to cook again.

He wasn't that stupid, but it was a bit of an ongoing joke duty. One instigated by Helen. That they took great glee in when it came time to chase their boss out.

Rita would be stuck there until Helen was ready to make the woman's life hell.

And she would make Rita suffer for the article she did on Helen shortly after her arrival.

* * *

><p>Rita was both pissed and terrified.<p>

She was pissed because the Crowley girl had her trapped in a magical dead zone, which meant her animagus form wasn't going to do her much good to escape. She had a story to write about that half-giant oaf Hagrid!

But she was also terrified because word had spread about the Slytherin boys Helen had put in St. Mungo's for some extreme damage and it would take years, even with magic, for them to recover. She did not want to get on the wrong side of a girl trained by Alistair, Hell's Top torture specialist.

Helen looked at Rita with a cruel smile on her face. She had perfected it along with her bitch laugh while helping Alistair torture the damned.

"So what do you want, brat?"

"How rude. And here I was planning to offer you the biggest scoop of your career," said Helen.

"Bigger than Hogwarts having a half-giant on staff?" sneered Rita.

"How about your so-called boy savior not being what everyone thinks he is?" said Helen with a purr. "Or perhaps you would like the story of how the bastard child of a squib and a muggle became the dark lord everyone now fears to speak the very name of?"

Rita's eyes glinted.

"Or perhaps I should call Madam Bones in to use the animagi revealing spell?"

"Let's not be too hasty now. I'm sure we can come to an...arrangement," purred Rita. Helen smirked.

With a slight movement of her hand, a scroll appeared. She tossed it to Rita. The witch read it over.

In exchange for the biggest scoops of her career and the guarantee that she wouldn't be arrested by the aurors, she would have ten years of working as Helen's personal spy. Very few were aware Rita was an animagus, and Helen wanted to capitalize on it. A weasel like Rita made a very good spy, and so many read her stories that Helen could use her to manipulate the magicals.

Rita had no idea how powerful she could be if she worded things just the right way. Helen, as the daughter of a crossroad's demon...particularly the _King_ of the Crossroads, did.

The second Rita signed the contract (without reading the full thing, Helen was delighted to note) Helen smiled so innocently that Rita knew she would be trouble later.

"Let's get started shall we? With what I know, Hagrid's lineage will be the least juicy bit of gossip you get to spread," she purred.


	7. Chapter 7

_**You-Know-Who, Pure Blood or World's Greatest Liar?**_

**We all know the Dark Lord V*** claims to be the heir of Slytherin. That many pure bloods followed him believing his parentage was as pure as their own.**

**But is he really a pure blood, or has he been hiding an even greater secret?**

**Records show that V*** appeared shortly after Samhain in 1972. No one has ever been able to trace who he was before or where he came from...until now. The last known descendants of Salazar Slytherin, according to Ministry and Goblin records, was the Gaunt family of Little Hangleton. Two of the Gaunts had magic and entered Hogwarts. The _third_ however was shown to barely have enough to rate hedgewitch and was little more than a squib.**

**It is the lone female of the Gaunt family who had any children.**

**Tom Marvolo Riddle. The last person to claim the Slytherin vault, and according to goblin records, a half-blood to boot. **

**What's interesting to note, dear readers, is that there are NO records of a Tom Riddle in the pure blood lines. Not one record of a pure blood family by the name of Riddle.**

**Further investigation into muggle archives, however, revealed that there was a minor noble's son of a _muggle_ family named Thomas Riddle who lived in the same town as the Gaunt family. Who was of similar age as Merope Gaunt.**

**The last known records of the half-blood son of a near squib and this _muggle_ lord were in the employee records of Borgins and Burkes in Knockturn Alley, which stopped in September of 1972...exactly one _month_ before Lord V*** made his initial appearance and started his reign of terror.**

**Which begs the question... if Lord V*** is in fact the half-blooded son of a squib and muggle, then how was he able to fool so many noble lines of his heritage?**

_**For full copies of the records, see pages 5, 6, 7 and 9**_

_Article by Rita Skeeter_

The outcry from Rita's article was _enormous_. Far more than there was when 'Harry' displayed parseltongue in second year.

The biggest thing though was that shortly after people read it, there were hundreds of owls sent out to get copies of those records for themselves. And many more pure bloods in absolute shock finding out that yes, Voldemort was in fact the half blood son of a muggle lord and a squib who barely got into Hogwarts at all.

Dumbledore was horrified that the secret had gotten out. He had no idea where Rita found out the Dark Lord was a half blood, or who had told her where to look. However the first thing he wanted to do was damage control.

It was too bad it was far too late for it to work. Countless people read Rita's articles, and for once she wasn't spreading lies. Finding out she wasn't over-exaggerating or blowing things out of proportion was a bit of a shock, but the damage was enormous.

Especially with what the subject was.

Dumbledore had no idea that Rita now had a few demon body guards (namely a few lackeys Crowley rarely had assignments for, who were happy for something to do) keeping the Death Eaters from getting revenge for spreading the cold hard truth.

Helen, on the other hand, was pleased.

The initial article was a major success, and it proved to Rita she didn't need to spread lies that could come back to bite her in the ass later to be successful. It also started the 'deal' Rita had made with Helen.

It was almost a pity Rita didn't think to read the entire thing, because if she had she would have learned that Helen had included the usual 'do this and hell gets your soul' clause. The second her usefulness to Helen ended, or the woman pissed her off too badly by screwing up too many times, the pack would come right after her soul and drag her screaming to the pit.

Crowley couldn't be happier. A few months away from his watchful eyes and already Helen was making contracts of her own and proving she was a bigger threat than Lilith was...at least magically anyway.

The wizards got the message. Mess with Helen at your own risk.

The demon was so proud of his little hellion...and so was Alistair when he heard what she did to those wizards who tried to break her spirit by forcing themselves on her.

Right now though, Helen was extraordinarily pleased with the demon lackey who took the place of the fake Potter. He was telling everyone that Riddle admitted to being a half-blood in the Chamber second year, and to being 'Lord Voldemort'.

Helen was quick to give the anagram to the Ravenclaws, who quickly worked out the name "Tom Marvolo Riddle" into the words "I Am Lord Voldemort".

From there, it spread out to their families who told it to everyone else.

If Voldemort did return, he would find recruiting much, much harder.

* * *

><p>Rita grinned at the massive bonus in her hand. That article had gotten her more fame and gold than she could ever dream of, and the American promised even more stories like it! All she had to do was write the ones Helen approved of.<p>

Sure, finding out Hagrid wasn't fully human was surprising, but who cared about some idiot half-giant when there were stories like this just waiting for her?

Helen waited until Rita got antsy before she dropped another bomb on her.

Sirius Black and the fact he was innocent.

Two days (and a small bribe of a hundred galleons to Rita to get this done) and another article came out.

_**Sirius Black: Black as He's Painted, or Convenient Scapegoat?**_

**We all know how Black betrayed the Potters and allowed Tom Riddle to attack them on Halloween night. But is he the real culprit of that tragedy or was he framed by another party?**

**Goblin records indicate that Black is in fact the Potter heir's Magically BOUND Godfather. **

**For those of you who are unaware of magical godparents, here's a quick overview. In the event that the parents are dead or incapacitated, the godparents are bound by magic to take in the child unless they are of age, or have passed their O.W.L.s. Failure to do so can result in loss of magic or a blood feud with the family in question.**

**More importantly, any attempt to harm the child or the family of the child that they are magically bound to care for can lead to, at the very least, removal of magic or death.**

**Another interesting fact: there are NO records in the Ministry of any trial whatsoever for one Sirius Black.**

**According to Ministry law of 1778, the head of a pure blood family cannot be held against their will in Azkaban for longer than three days without trial. This law is still on the books.**

**Sirius Black became head of the Black family following the death of the Black Matriarch Walburga Black exactly two years after he was imprisoned. The goblins acknowledged him as family head, despite the fact he was still in Azkaban at the time.**

**Yet he remained there, without trial, far longer than the three day requirement.**

**Here is the biggest kicker though. For every month there is no trial, the Ministry is required to pay a thousand dollar fine, with no limit. This was considered an _incentive_ for the DMLE to insure that justice was carried out.**

**Sirius Black was held against his will for eleven years after becoming the Head of the Black family, until his miraculous escape.**

**By that calculation, the Ministry legally owes the Black family well over 120,000 galleons _minimum_.**

**One must wonder how exactly Minister Fudge plans to pay off such a debt if Sirius Black is proven innocent of the charges placed on him? Or if the Minister will allow justice to be done without ordering the dementors to kill him on sight like he did last year, despite the fact that said creatures attacked a stadium full of students during the yearly Quidditch match of Gryffindor vs. Slytherin.**

_**For all trial records see page three**_

_**For all goblin records concerning Sirius Black and the Potters, see page 6**_

_Written by Rita Skeeter_

* * *

><p>Sirius reread the article, just to be sure he wasn't hallucinating.<p>

"Remus?"

"Hmm?"

"Am I imagining things or did that hag Skeeter actually write a _nice_ article explaining how I never got a trial and that the Ministry owes me well over a 120,000 galleons because of it?" asked Sirius faintly.

Remus blinked, then looked at his friend.

"What?"

* * *

><p>Sirius wasn't the only one in shock. Fudge was absolutely <em>pissed<em> when he read that article...and the worst part was that Helen kindly had one of the more experienced crossroad demons act as Rita's barrister.

Fudge ended up having to pay Rita a hundred galleons to keep her mouth shut about the fact he nearly attacked her for mentioning the one law that would force him to bring a 'convicted murderer' to trial...and if proven innocent would deprive him of quite a bit of money.

A month later, well after the second task (in which people learned Helen really, really hated the cold with an absolute passion) Sirius made his way into Gringotts via a discreet entrance...and walked out a free man.

Fudge would have to pay at least a 100,000 to Sirius, otherwise he would end up homeless, nameless and more importantly, without his precious post.

Too bad he didn't have that kind of money readily available.

The first thing Sirius wanted was to find his goddaughter. He was astounded how many people seemed to believe that _thing_ was his godchild.

The only issue was that he had no idea where she was. But somehow he had the feeling Petunia might be able to point him in the right direction.

* * *

><p>"We have a problem," said the demon inside the fake.<p>

"Explain."

"Sirius Black went to Petunia for information, and one of the neighbors got too chatty. She was killed but the damage is done. He knows that you were taken by a demon, but he had no idea which one."

Helen sighed.

"Well, Daddy did say this might happen, and it wasn't like I didn't expect him to learn eventually. We might as well nip this issue in the bud now, before he becomes a nuisance."

"He has said he will send you an alert when Black finally summons a demon to locate who took you."

"That ought to be fun. Any luck locating the second shard still in the school?"

"None," said the demon.

Helen growled.

"This bastard is a pain in the ass. Be prepared to move once I find him. Coincidentally which neighbor was it?"

"Some squib who lived in the neighborhood. All I know is that the demons left behind to keep making deals swore never to get a cat after walking into that house. Apparently the woman was running the feline version of a puppy mill, only she had kneazles," said the demon.

Helen suddenly snorted in open amusement.

"That batty old woman Figg? So that's why I kept getting dragged back! Good riddance!"

Helen took one look at the maze, then she shared a look with the fake.

They both knew Moody was a fake. The man walked like a recent amputee. It was also painfully obvious that the fraud would send the fake to whoever had put the name in the goblet.

Which was why Helen was planning a nasty surprise for them. Sure, it meant the fake would leave her control for a while, but she seriously doubted anyone could get past her most vicious hell hound Ali.

* * *

><p>Sirius Black was <em>pissed<em>. Not only had Dumbledore left his goddaughter with those...people, and he was very hesitant to use that word...but they cared so little about the girl that they openly handed her off to a bloody demon! A crossroads demon no less!

About the only solace he had was that he didn't need to kill them...even if the son made him want to gag. Petunia evidently didn't know enough about demons to realize that there always was a price to pay, and from what he saw of her contract it was about due anyway.

No need to worry about killing muggles when the hell hounds would do the work for him. He had learned nothing if not patience in Azkaban.

Now to find some of his family's old books to find out which demon took his goddaughter, and if she was still alive.

Galleons to pounds, she likely was, if the goblins were right. They would know if she had died, what with her vaults still being active.

Good thing he was a Black, otherwise this would be more awkward and far harder to hide from that senile goat who thought the Dursley's would be perfectly reasonable about Helena, despite absolute evidence that Petunia hated magic since Lily had it and Dumbledore declined her request to at least _see_ the school. That was the last straw, for Petunia.

Time to drag that idiot Mundungus out to do some slightly illegal shopping for him.


	8. Chapter 8

Helen was planning another run at the library when she felt the pull. That was the signal her father and her made for when she was the one chosen to make the contract instead of a demon. Usually when there was a chance of a hunter trying to trap the demon.

Helen had played this trip before, so she knew the procedure.

The look on the hunter's faces when they realized she wasn't actually a demon, just an intermediary... hilarious.

She waited until she was in a discreet area of the castle, namely the odd room on the seventh floor she had found, before she vanished in a whirl of smoke that reeked of bad eggs, among other things.

She had been around demons so long she didn't even smell it anymore.

To be honest, once you got along with the thing powering the Rider's abilities, you found a lot of new tricks opened up to you.

In her case, Lucifer was amused enough by her that he showed her how to time travel. She more or less used it to get ahead on her favorite series without having to wait...the smoke trick came from one of her personal favorites, _**Once Upon A Time**_**.** The smoke apparition covered the fact she wasn't a demon so well that it was now one of her favorite pranks. And at the same time it covered her with the scent of the Pit, which helped to hide the fact she was human.

She was a _major_ fan of Regina, one of the shows antagonists. Her entire bitch act started when she began emulating the 'Evil Queen' from Snow White in the show. The weird thing was that it suited her very well, and her father openly encouraged it. Probably because to Helen, her father reminded her strongly of another mystery character, Rumpelstiltskin (the Beast who took Belle from Beauty and the Beast), AKA Mr. Gold.

Mostly because the 'Dark One' as he was called often in the show seemed to like making deals that always benefited him in some way, but also because they had similar personalities. Fergus Crowley got...creative...when someone tried to take something that was his. And when you applied the term 'creative' with 'demon', it never ended well.

Besides, he was a fan of the show as well. Though probably not for the same reasons his daughter was. (And his favorite character was predictably the mysterious Mr. Gold, ironically enough.)

Back to the pull though.

Helen found herself in a dingy, old, and frankly filthy house. A discreet glance revealed that she had somehow landed in a devil's trap inside what appeared to be the living room.

However her attention was more on the cabinet near the door to the kitchen. Looks like she stumbled on another soul piece.

She was closing in on that damn bastard.

Then she put her attention on the two who came in. A werewolf and an animagus. Normally she wouldn't care, but it was who they were that annoyed her.

Sirius Black and Remus Lupin.

"So the prodigal son finally decided to return to his roots. What do you want?" asked Helen. She had been watching her show on her magically-run laptop, so her default setting was on 'Regina' as opposed to 'Queen Bitch'.

However it was clear Sirius was evidently so stunned by her outfit that he was at a loss for words. Remus, however, looked rather confused.

"Why do you reek of bad eggs? It's almost overpowering," he asked.

Helen gave him a flat look.

"This is clearly your first demon summoning. Everyone knows we give off the smell of sulfur," she said annoyed, "Now what do you want?"

"I want my goddaughter back, and I know a demon has her."

"Who's your goddaughter, and how long ago was she taken?" asked Helen promptly.

"Helena Potter, and according to the horse bitch, she was taken roughly eight or nine years ago."

_Okay, while's it's great to know Dad wasn't _too_ far off with my name, there's no way in heaven I'm coming back to these ungrateful bastards!_

The fact her father obviously knew who she was before he took her away and made her his daughter. Probably why he called her his little 'hellion' originally.

Helen openly snorted derisively.

"You're kidding right? You expect this girl to drop everything and come back? After being taken away for nearly a decade?"

Sirius snarled at the girl.

"She's my goddaughter! I promised James I would take care of her!"

"It's called Stockholm Syndrome, dumb ass. Just because you might have a blood relation or knew her parents doesn't mean jack if you find her. Ever think she's perfectly happy where she is?" sneered Helen.

"You know where she is?"

"Every demon knows were the last Potter is. She's pretty well known both in heaven and hell, but the angels never got the memo she was moved, thanks to that fake in Hogwarts," smirked Helen.

They never picked up on the fact she had the fake body possessed either, which spoke volumes on how often they bothered to check on humans.

Sirius and Remus grimaced. Evidently they knew of the fake and they were not happy. One bit.

"Where is she?"

"Not telling~!" she replied sing-song. "And why should I tell you? Not like there's anything in it for me."

Sirius growled, not unlike his animal form. In his hands was something that would have hurt a demon, but not much else.

Holy water.

"You'll talk or I'll make you talk," he snarled.

"You can try. I happen to be quite close to Alistair. Not much that you can do that will make me want to tell you a damn thing," she smirked at him.

Not to mention Lucy and Hermes would rip this bastard a new one.

She didn't even flinch when he hit her with the water. However her smirk widened as she oh-so-casually waltzed right out of the circle.

"Oh and boys? Next time I would double check that the thing you summoned really is what you were after," she said, to their shocked and horrified faces. Right before she cold-cocked them into unconsciousness.

Sirius Black reviewed how his day went.

First he had painted a devil's trap, something he had hoped never to deal with ever again. Kreacher had been surprisingly helpful.

Then, an hour after the summons, when he went to get something to drink, he felt a surge of magic in the other room.

His mind did a ten second stand still when he saw what the occupant was wearing.

It was a girl, about eighteen, maybe nineteen from his guess. She had deep, almost bright blood red hair that went down almost past her neck. She had a pair of bright red sunglasses with tinted lenses, obscuring her eye color.

Her outfit, however, was what really drew his attention. It left very little to the imagination.

It was black and white. The front of it where her bust was looked more like someone had incorrectly tied a corset together, showing the skin between both of her breasts between the strings holding it closed. There was a white strip of cloth just under it, holding them up as it was pretty damn clear she wasn't wearing any sort of bra. The entire top half was held up by a string that looped around her neck to each side, almost like a choker. Her sleeves were either held up by sticking charms, or by strings he couldn't see because there was nothing attaching it to the rest of the outfit. They were lined with almost snow white cloth and served to emphasize her long, elegant arms.

The black cloth that was on either side of her body went down, and thankfully did a better job hiding the bottom half of her body, though the skirt only just barely reached her knees. All of it was primarily black in color, with white cloth underneath.

And there were several runes embroidered around the outfit itself. Most of them were pretty clear. Some however were more obscure than even he was used to. Another interesting fact was that there were several other decorations, like moons and stars. They were made of pure silver, and it was on these that the majority of runes were.

She wore long black socks that emphasized her long, curvy legs that ended in a pair of short black boots. It was clear the girl was well used to them, because she didn't look the least bit uncomfortable in such sharp, pointed heels. Balancing had to be a bitch.

When she spoke, the girl had all the tone of Narcissa at her bitchiest with the voice of someone who was used to seduction to get what she wanted. It was like pure sin all wrapped up in one body.

Had he been sixteen again, he wouldn't have hesitated to try and chat her up in the hopes of a few romps in the bedroom. Hell, even James would have hit this girl up, if he weren't wrapped around Lily's finger at the time.

However he had to find Helena first. He had failed her before, and he was determined not to do it again.

So the second he realized she wasn't a demon, but someone who used hell magic enough to pick up on his open summoning, he was in such shock that he couldn't defend himself when she knocked him out with a punch.

Remus Lupin took one look at the girl in the room, and knew this was going to be difficult. His inner teacher immediately disapproved of her outfit. It was beyond scandalous.

Sadly, he had seen girls her age wearing much, much less while in America looking for work.

However the thing that struck him the most was the smell. It was like he was in Yellowstone all over again. The scent of sulfur was that overpowering.

Now, he had heard demons gave off a natural sulfur scent, especially so soon after summoning. It was something they picked up living in the pit for so long. Every book he came across agreed that they had that scent on them.

But with it, it was so overpowering that he was almost certain she was using it to cover up another smell.

So when Sirius hit her with the holy water, he wasn't the least bit surprised it didn't hurt her in the least, or the fact she could waltz right out of the devil's trap. The scent, however, was even worse up close and it gave her all the opening she needed to knock him out.

The first thing the two wizards noticed were the hell hounds. One was definitely an Alpha female, and was the one staring them down in the face. But it was the smaller one that really worried Sirius.

It was small, built and bred for speed, and it looked even more vicious than the female.

The girl, who evidently wasn't a demon, smirked at them both.

"Who are you?" asked Sirius.

Remus, however, noticed that since being hit with the water (and evidently more than an hour or two had passed) the stench of sulfur was a great deal less than it was before. Enough so that he was able to catch something else.

It was a good thing it was so close to a full moon, otherwise he wouldn't have had such good sense of smell.

Even the smell of hell hounds wasn't able to disguise her real scent.

"My name, little wizard, is Helen Crowley. Next time you try to summon a demon, do be sure they don't send an intermediary first. Contrary to popular belief, they do have witches who haven't made deals that they can send in their place to make contracts. And unfortunately for you, Daddy said I get to be the one to deal with you two idiots," smirked Helen.

Remus ignored her words, and focused more on the scent. It was very familiar, but he couldn't remember why.

Sirius focused on the name. He had heard of Crowley, primarily through listening to Minerva's complaints to Remus about her new most troublesome student. Seeing how she was dressed, he could see why his favorite teacher and head of house complained about what she wore. If he ever caught Helena wearing anything that skimpy, he would ring her ears.

James and even more importantly Lily would roll over in their graves if they ever found their daughter wearing something like that, no matter what the muggle trends were!

"So you're the Ravenclaw giving ol' McGonagall a hard time," he said.

Helen rolled her eyes.

"Not my problem if you magicals haven't kept up with the times. Besides, you two should be grateful. That fake that took the place of the girl you're looking for is about to be exposed," she said flatly.

"I want my pup back!"

Helen glared at him.

"If you really gave a damn about your 'pup', then you should have put her first and not allowed Dumbledore to put her in a suburbia hell. The demon who took her only had to offer Petunia riches and the chance to be rid of her niece. They didn't even look at the contract before they signed their soul, and she didn't even hesitate to dump the girl," said Helen flatly.

Sirius growled at her, at least until he noticed Remus looked very confused.

"Moony?" he asked in question.

It was on the tip of his tongue... Helen glanced at him, and as she walked past to see what Lucy was growling at he got a stronger whiff of her scent.

As she passed him, his eyes flew open wide. He knew that scent alright, and if it wasn't for the fact that the sulfur had covered it he never would have recognized her.

Helen hexed him into silence before he could reveal the truth. That would ruin all her fun.

She smirked at Remus, who definitely figured out who she had been before.

"Just so we're clear, wolf, even if you did try to warn your friend here about that, it won't work. That name was sealed the second the adoption went through. I love the fidelius charm...so much more reliable when you don't use others as the secret keeper," she smiled. It was pure sin and the innocent look in her eyes didn't fool them one bit.

Sirius flinched at the jab the girl shot in their direction.

"Let's get one thing straight, wizards. I have no interest in this society outside of retrieving the soul pieces that bastard Riddle left behind so I don't take his spot in the pit. Uncle Alistair is _very_ eager to get his soul to play with. And if I take Dumbledore for his long overdue spot in hell, the better."

"Why Dumbledore?"

"The idiot asked for the ability to kill Grindlewald right before the final battle, but we were unable to collect due to certain circumstances. The second he's beaten, he's going to hell where he should have been several years ago," she said flatly.

The fact Dumbledore made a demon deal that far back was evidently a total shock for the wizards.

Helen released them right as she vanished back to the castle. It would be fun to see how they reacted later when she disposed of 'Harry' Potter.


	9. Chapter 9

Snape noticed the wolf and the mutt, and wondered why they were even there. They had made their feelings about 'Harry' very clear last year.

"Wolf. Mutt."

Sirius glared at Remus, who kicked him to keep his standard greeting from being said.

"Why are you here?"

"What can you tell us about Helen Crowley?" asked Remus flatly.

"Good potionsmistress, or she has the potential to be one. Excellent with runes, arithimancy and a way with the more bloodthirsty creatures. Trained by hell's top torture specialist, at least according to her. After what she did during one of my Snake's attempts to demoralize her, I'm inclined to believe her. Owner of four different hell hound familiars. Why?"

Remus tried to tell him, but found that the charm held true.

"We tried to summon a demon, one who could tell us who had Helena, but we somehow got her instead," said Sirius sourly.

Snape blinked.

"That...actually explains why she was missing. Normally we get to watch the Ravenclaw boys fight over who gets to sit near her during meal times, but a few days ago she wasn't there. It's occasionally entertaining to watch the boys walk right into walls when she passes by."

Sirius snorted.

"So why are you really interested in her wolf?"

"Let's just say James and Lily would be rolling in their graves if they had seen her. Unfortunately I can't say more because she had the truth charmed from being said."

Snape processed that, but it was clear Sirius still had no idea why Remus even cared. And to prove once and for all Snape clearly put more thought into things than Sirius ever had, his eyes widened in shock.

"You can't be serious."

"I recognized her scent. It was her," confirmed Remus.

Snape had to sit down from disbelief.

Lily's daughter, a sweet child who had never held anything against him, turned into _that_. He shuddered.

"You're right, she probably is rolling in her grave as we speak," said Snape.

"Unfortunately, what that scarlet girl said was true. Petunia didn't even care about handing over Helena to a demon. She just dropped the girl off with a demon at a local mall and didn't look back. About the only reason I didn't hex her outright was because according to her, it was close to ten years ago," said Sirius in disgust.

Snape snorted. He could see what that meant on his own. Demons usually gave contracts ten years before they came to collect. Every wizard who knew of demons knew that unless otherwise stated, you got ten years.

Which meant that Petunia's time among the living was running out and fast. He almost wished he could be there when the hell hounds came after the bitch.

"Exactly what is it that would have them rolling in their graves?" demanded Sirius.

"Helena was adopted by a demon. And there just so happens to be a crossroads demon by the name of Fergus _Crowley_ who recently became King of all Crossroad demons in hell right around the time Voldemort was killed. I know for a fact that the reason why her name is 'Helen' is because the girl mentioned her father called her his 'little hellion' and the name stuck. Now think mutt, why would a demon call a girl he had only just met his little 'hellion'?" asked Snape scathingly.

Actually he picked up that fact after the incident with the sixth and seventh years. Helen mentioned her father always did call her a 'little hellion' and that the name had stuck to the point it became her name.

It took Sirius five minutes too long for the liking of the other two who finally realized where Helena Potter was the entire time.

"You mean to tell me that scarlet woman who looks roughly nineteen is..."

"Helena Potter. Or Helen Crowley now. And if there's one thing I know about that girl, there's no way in magic she'll accept you just waltzing into her life after all these years, especially since she's the daughter of the King of the Crossroads and trained in hell magic by the finest in the pit."

Sirius sat down, hard, and nearly fell flat on his ass because there was no chair.

"This is almost as bad as learning Dumbledore made a deal to stop Grindlewald," he muttered.

And after he had Remus meet with an already summoned crossroads demon to confirm what the girl had 'accidentally' informed them, it had come as a heavy blow to Dumbledore's "Leader of the Light" image.

"Look on the bright side mutt," said Snape scathingly.

"What bright side? I just learned my goddaughter is now some sort of scarlet woman who's been raised by demons and doesn't have any qualms about torture!"

"Yes, but imagine the look on Bellatrix Lestrange's face when she finds out that the number one spot for sadistic and bloodthirsty bitch has been taken out by the same brat who toppled her Lord thirteen years ago. Helen Crowley could easily become a Dark Lady if she gave a damn about our community, but she's more interested in working for her father than us," said Snape flatly.

Sirius considered this fact, but then the cold hard reality that his little pup had become a bitch far worse than his second least favorite cousin (Narcissa) was still a hard blow to take. He honestly felt sorry for McGonagall. Who knew how she would react if she ever found out what happened to the happy little girl she used to bounce on her knee?

* * *

><p>"Are you sure it was wise, allowing them to figure that out?"<p>

"It was either that, or deal with them stumbling upon it later and becoming a bigger headache. Might as well get it over with. Now, what exactly is Rita demanding now?" asked Helen.

"She wants something to write, or she'll come after the 'Potter brat' again."

"Hmm... I could either flat out tell her you're a fake, or I could send her onto another goose chase... Oh, I know! Tell her to look into why Potter went to 'his' muggle relatives and to see if they even left a will. Chances are she'll uncover the fact Dumbledore sealed it immediately after. This should tie in nicely with the recent article she did on Black," said Helen vindictively.

While she was glad that her accidental summoning brought her to her father, she was still pissed about the five years of absolute _hell_ she had to deal with prior. Dumbledore nearly ruined her life, and he was scheduled to pay anyway.

Why not give him a sampling of what he was in for the second he lost the Elder Wand? It ought to be entertaining at least.

* * *

><p>Rita was more than pleased for such an interesting assignment. She kept uncovering all <em>sorts<em> of blackmail to use against people. So what if she had to keep writing facts? For once the truth was doing far more damage than her usual white lies!

The best part? She was being paid to research.

And with her permission, the goblins gave Rita almost full access...with the exception of the year Helen was adopted. Because after that, Helena Potter became Helen Crowley.

No way was Helen ruining that surprise until _after_ she had shaken the old fogies enough and gotten rid of the main obstacles to living her life her way, not by whatever the magicals demanded.

Which included Fudge, Dumbledore, Voldemort, and a good chunk of the pure bloods who followed Voldemort or worse, believed Dumbledore was a damn saint.

This was just laying the groundwork for what she had planned. She was going to undermine Dumbledore and wake up the magicals one article at a time. And thanks to the fidelius hiding the fact she was Helena Potter, outside of those who figured it out on their own, there was very little way that the idiots who ran the magical communities would realize what she was doing until it was much too late.

* * *

><p><em><strong>Dumbledore: Wise As He's Painted Or Overstepping His Authority?<strong>_

**Imagine my surprise when, shortly after the news of Sirius Black being declared innocent of the crime of betraying the Potters or the death of Peter Pettigrew, he did not as many would expect, seek out his godchild.**

**Which begs the question, does Black truly not care about his magically bound duties as godparent, or is there something else going on?**

**Research into the Potter's revealed that James Potter and his wife Lily did in fact make a will shortly before their deaths. A will which, to date, has never been officially read by the Potter heir.**

**According to Gringotts, Potter has never entered the prestigious institution to withdraw from the Potter vaults, or asked to read the will. A will, which according to the goblin representative I spoke with, was sealed almost immediately following the deaths of the Potters thirteen years ago by none other than Albus Dumbledore.**

**According to the goblins, Dumbledore not only sealed the will and declare himself the Potter heir's magical guardian, he did so less than twelve hours _before_ Black was falsely arrested and thrown into Azkaban.**

**Twelve hours is more than enough time for the last wishes of the Potters to be enacted, and the placement of their child to be honored. However, according to Gringotts, not only was the will sealed, but one of the articles was outright ignored by Dumbledore.**

**As we are all aware, our Savior was placed almost immediately with Lily Potter's muggle sister after the deaths of the Potters. **

**According to the goblins, not only was this in direct violation of the will, but it ignored the wishes of the aunt in question, who's last contact with Lily Potter specifically stated she wanted nothing to do with magic ever again.**

**One must wonder, if Dumbledore cared so little for the wishes of the dead, then what else has he done?**

_Written by Rita Skeeter_

* * *

><p>The public outcry from the article was enormous. Rita had to hide from more than a few howlers...but the damage was done. Fudge, in an attempt to salvage his career after the Black debacle, was quick to consult the goblins about the will.<p>

Only to find out Rita was not exaggerating. Potter never actually entered the bank, let alone asked for the will to be read. But the most condemning fact was that Dumbledore had deliberately bypassed Sirius Black's right as magical guardian _before_ he had been thrown into Azkaban.

Something that was not only illegal, but had many pure bloods very much up in arms.

The headmaster was in the unenviable position of having all of his past deeds go under scrutiny and his posts now being put under question.

If Helen did this just right she could boot Dumbledore out and nudge someone far more suited to take over. Her next step was to insure Rita found the Dursleys.

But not before she sent someone to have a quiet word with the horse-faced bitch about keeping her mouth shut about the deal. It was bad enough that fool Black had found her that way so fast. Besides, it would be a nice precursor for what was in store for them later.

* * *

><p>Derrick was disgusted. These...things...couldn't be killed fast enough in his opinion. Thankfully the squib was dead, otherwise she might have reported someone visiting the Dursley residence. Dumbledore had been too busy doing damage control thanks to Helen directing the Skeeter woman to replace her.<p>

Petunia was perfectly willing to cause as much mayhem and payback to the same old goat who refused her polite and well worded request to at least _visit_ the castle once and then proceeded to dump her damn niece on her doorstep without even asking her if she wanted the brat. And she would keep her mouth shut about the odd man with the cockney accent who took the brat away permanently and improved their lives tenfold.

She just wished they could have moved with the money, but for some reason the houses were always bought before they could finalize the paperwork or the files would be misplaced. At least they were able to afford the better things all the time now. Her son was such a well figured boy!

So when the obvious witched visited the house, Petunia welcomed her in with an evil sneer.

Once this...Skeeter...woman realized what sort of person Petunia Dursley was, they got along smashingly. Sure, she was a witch, but they both thrived in spreading vicious gossip and acquiring blackmail. And the more damage they could spread with unpleasant truth, the happier they were.

It was a match made in the pit, and Rita would visit number four more than once before Helen came to watch it burn down.

* * *

><p><em><strong>Dumbledore's Folly: What Really Happened To Our Savior?<strong>_

**Following the revelation of the fact Potter was never placed properly, this reporter continued the lead straight to the Dursely abode.**

**And what this reporter found was not only shocking, but absolutely horrifying.**

**Not only was Potter illegally placed with Lily's sister...but the woman handed the child over without a second thought to a perfect stranger who offered to take the six-year-old off her hands!**

**Thankfully Potter reached Hogwarts, but one must question whether placing magical orphans in unwilling homes is the smartest idea. Further inspection revealed that the only one of magical descent to have lived in the neighborhood before Potter was taken away permanently was one Arabella Figg, a squib of a minor pure blood line who made a living selling kneazle kittens no less than one block from where Potter lived.**

**Arabella Figg was declared dead by muggle authorities less than three months prior, and is therefor unable to comment.**

**However, this is not the most shocking revelation.**

**Petunia Dursley, when asked how the "Boy-Who-Lived" was like as a child, seemed quite startled.**

**This was not because she disliked the child, but because as she rather _firmly_ stated with conviction that she did NOT have a nephew.**

**This reporter wonders if there is something Dumbledore isn't telling us about Potter, or if the Dursley woman's dislike of her sister's legacy has gone to extremes.**

_By Rita Skeeter_


	10. Chapter 10

Helen barely repressed the urge to cackle maniacally. Dumbledore was in the hot box, and there was no way he was getting out before the hell hounds ripped him apart.

Speaking of hell hounds, Lucy had been quite irritable lately. Helen had to lock her up in the special cage. If she was right then Helen would have to send her Alpha to visit her father for a while until the mess was over with. She did not want to deal with a temperamental Lucy, and her father did want some Tindalos blood among his own packs.

And because none of her pack came from the same bloodline, she could mix and match them as much as she wanted.

She urged Rita to wait until after the tournament to reveal the fact that not only was Potter in fact born a _female_, but that the one everyone had assumed was the savior was in fact a fake.

When asked why, Helen told the witch that once the article hit after the school year ended, Dumbledore would be unable to do any real damage control over his 'savior' that he had standing in Potter's stead for four years. It would outright ruin the senile old fool, who still believed everything he did was for the greater good.

Albus Dumbledore was senile and naïve. And he had evidently forgotten about his crossroad deal which insured his current stations. He wouldn't be in this mess if he had left things well enough alone and let Sirius take her like he should have all those years ago.

It was time to pay the piper, and Helen was going to make blessed sure that the old goat had his pain and misery drawn out as long as possible.

Today was Transfiguration, but Helen was in such a good mood she decided to cut the old battle ax a break.

NOT.

She waltzed into the class wearing the shirt that proclaimed _"Curiosity Killed The Cat, But For A While I Was The Suspect"_, which gave her the most amusing sight of McGonagall twitching in annoyance.

It was clearly a jab at her animagus form, which everyone and their grandmother knew was a house cat. Most of the muggleborns got a good laugh out of it. McGonagall, not so much.

More than a few Slytherins asked if she could help them acquire similar shirts to wear for the next transfiguration lesson. And much to the woman's anger and annoyance, less than a week later nearly every Slytherin barring the younger students wore that shirt to class.

If she could strangle that damn Ravenclaw, she would.

Helen almost couldn't wait for her reaction to the fact the daughter of her favorite students was in fact the same girl who was driving her up the wall far more effectively than her father and his gang had...or the Weasley twins ever could.

Fred and George were sporting new shirts of their own. One that had more than one person well acquainted with their mischievous ways laughing when they read it.

Which meant pretty much anyone who had been in Hogwarts for more than a few months.

(The shirt they wore said _"Whatever It Is, I Didn't Do It." _Helen was so amused by them that she gave them another which proudly proclaimed _"I Have It On Good Authority You Have No Evidence." _They absolutely loved it.)

In less than a week the final task would be over and done with. The only reason she was even agreeing to return for next year was because of a rather annoying goblin law that stated she had to take her O.W.L.s from an accredited school in the country the main vault was in that she had attended for at _least_ a year and a half. And home schooling did not count.

Which meant she had to suffer through the English weather, the crappy foods and the idiots that inhabited the country.

The only plus was the free entertainment she now got tweaking people's noses and watching them crash and burn upon meeting her.

* * *

><p>Loki stared at one of his most devoted followers. Sure, Sirius had cut down on the offerings for while, but that was hardly his fault after being illegally held against his will.<p>

"Okay, so explain again why you summoned me?"

"My goddaughter is currently with demons, and there's _legally_ nothing I can do to get her back. Asking Dumbledore is out of the question, because he's the reason she's ended up with them in the first place and why I was stuck in Azkaban for twelve years. And there's a charm in place that keeps me from telling people outright what she changed her name to," said Sirius.

"You were told that she wants nothing to do with us Sirius. She made that very clear when you tried to summon a demon to find out who had her, remember? And I dare say she's behind the recent amount of bad press he's been getting of late," said Remus.

"Okay, I'm a bit confused. If your heir is with demons, then what do you expect me to do about it?" asked Loki. He didn't see why Sirius had bothered to summon him.

"Sirius is a bit simple minded. He's hoping that a Trickster might be able to convince his goddaughter to leave her demon father and come back to him...and preferably quite parading like a 'scarlet woman' in his words."

"Uh-huh. Who exactly is her demon father?"

"From what Snape has been able to tell us, she was adopted by the current King of the Crossroads by the name of Crowley," Remus supplied. He had the amusing sight of seeing Loki choke openly on his candy.

"WHAT?! You want me to try and remove the freaking Mage Rider from _him_? Are you an idiot or something? No way am I getting involved with that mess!"

"Mage Rider?" said Sirius.

Remus choked himself. Snape had neglected to mention that fact.

"Everyone on the supernatural side knows that Crowley turned his adopted witch daughter into a new version of the Ghost Rider. He pissed off another demon called Mephistopheles, because unlike the original, she doesn't have any control issues. He mostly uses her to deal with contracts that they can't complete because of warding. You mean to tell me that Helen Crowley is..." started Loki, but found he was unable to finish that sentence because of the charm.

"I recognized her scent. The only oddity is that she looks nineteen when she _should_ be fourteen," said Remus.

"From what I've heard, she spent at least a year in the pit and time moves faster. She must have spent a lot of time in her Rider form if she only looks nineteen. In the level Alistair works at, the time dilation is roughly a month would equal ten years."

"Is there anything we can do?" asked Sirius. If Loki couldn't do anything, he was truly at his wit's end.

"My only suggestion is stay the hell out of her way. I heard a rumor that she had to make a contract with her dad to get those powers, one where she has to take out the dark lord or take his place in hell."

"Why would a demon care about you-know-who?"

"He made a deal. And yet when it was time to pay the piper when she offed him, he didn't end up in hell. From what I understand, Crowley's main reasoning for giving her Rider powers was to collect on overdue contracts...like Dumbledore's. The only reason he hasn't gone to hell, despite the fact the time limit is way past over, is because he got his hands on something that would give the demons an earful if they accidentally claimed it."

"So Dumbledore did make a deal. She hinted as much when we first saw her," said Remus, slumping.

"Well yeah. He made a demon deal to insure he beat Grindlewald, but no one mentioned to the demon about the fact the dark lord had something that would make collecting a total pain in the ass, especially considering what Dumbledore was asking for in the first place," said Loki as if talking to an idiot.

If the demons knew Grindlewald had the Elder Wand, they sure wouldn't have been so quick to make that contract to boost Dumbledore's core five times what it was before the battle, especially since any idiot who had heard of the Hallows knew that the cursed wand was a magical amplifier.

"So basically you just want me to talk to her?" he asked slowly.

"See if it's really as bad as Sirius fears, or if it's a front. I got the feeling she was just putting up an act," said Remus.

* * *

><p>It was the night before the final task, and frankly, Helen would be glad to see her father again. These Europeans were irritating beyond belief.<p>

Rita was becoming an even bigger nuisance, so in order to keep her from annoying her too much and giving Helen an excuse to end her prematurely, she told her to start digging into the Minister's past.

Fudge was an idiot, and his usefulness was almost at an end. So to keep him from becoming a thorn in her side in his vain attempts to keep his post, she would remove him before he had a chance to become annoying.

Rita was all too pleased to do so, and to go into the candidates once he was removed.

The former head of the DMLE and the current one, both very popular and politically connected.

Personally Helen would push for Bones before her male counterpart. The man was too militaristic for her tastes. Bones, however, was regarded as a fair, if a bit cold-hearted, Auror. One who didn't regard Dumbledore as all-knowing as many thought he was.

She was almost to the seventh floor area where she detected the soul fragment when she heard the unmistakable sound of wings.

Most would dismiss it, after all there were plenty of owls around. But Helen had encountered an angel once. She knew that the sound often warned when one landed nearby.

Her hackles effectively raised, Helen looked for the intruder. She would rip his wings apart like she nearly had the last time an angel tried to bother her.

That fool Zachariah had been in for a nasty shock when he found out she could see past the human guise and actually touch his wings when they weren't released. He barely managed to salvage his other three wings before that shock wore off.

Her father had been so pleased with what happened (once he got over his bitch fit about an angel that close to his daughter) that he spoiled her extra rotten the rest of the year. Maybe he would do it again if she beat the crap out of this angel. She had been eying a motorcycle before coming here.

The second she saw six wings, not four, that thought went out the window and went straight to survival. She had already walked past the room twice, and a third pass opened up a rather old door.

The angel spotted her, and looked somewhat confused when rather than talk, she bolted into the door and slammed it shut.

Loki, for that was who it was, was definitely curious. By all rights he should be the one avoiding _her_. Everyone knew the Mage Rider used soul fire, which hurt like a real bitch.

* * *

><p><em>In the Room of Requirement...<em>

Helen felt her breathing go back to normal when the angel left. She had the worst feeling he would be back soon though.

In the back of her mind, she heard a yawn.

_'Awake are we? Good. I might need your help ridding myself of another feather-brained moron,'_ she snapped.

There was a light chuckle, and Helen rolled her eyes. Ever since she trained her abilities as the Mage Rider in hell so close to the cage, she had been able to hear Lucifer.

Her father had been pissed as heaven when he found out, but the damage was done. The Morning Star could piggy-back on Helen's mind to see outside his cage.

Then he nearly pissed himself from laughing so hard after hearing what Lucifer thought of his "robot counterpart" after Helen finished watching _Futurama_. It only got worse when he watched the Robot Santa episode where Bender joined in on the yearly 'slaying'.

To summarize Lucifer's feelings on the show: "WTF".

**Who is it this time, and where are you?**

_'No idea to the first, and I'm inside an old English castle learning outdated magic,'_ she replied, before she sent him an image of the angel that showed up.

Lucifer's breath hitched.

**Gabriel.**

_'Want to give him a good shock if he shows up again?'_

**Hell yes! It's about damn time that brat got pranked for a change!**

Helen and Lucifer cackled together...when something caught her eye. Her laughter took on a more maniacal, dark tinge as she finally located the damn soul piece.

"Tacky. Very tacky," said Helen, bringing out the necklace she stabbed the tiara with.

The soul piece was removed, screaming, from the bronze.

It went straight to a crystal where the other pieces were being collected until she had the whole thing, or enough of it to complete the contract.

The goblins had already forked over another piece in the bank the second Nick, who had the best nose, caught whiff of it. They kept the cup, but she got the piece.

So far she had the fragments of herself, a diary which had since been destroyed, the Cup, the tiara, and a locket she had filched from the Black home. According to her father there were two pieces left.

Two more and she would be done with that damn hack and free of any obligations to England.


	11. Chapter 11

Helen went into the forest, partially out of boredom but mostly to indulge in something she had to hold back since coming here. If people saw her dancing and singing to her favorite songs, they might try to use it against her. She usually zoned out when she did, and if there was one thing her father had drummed into her, it was that she couldn't be vulnerable around people who sought to use her.

So the thought of being cooped in that castle one more minute without indulging in her favorite pastime...she couldn't bear it.

She slipped out of the castle and into the forest, if only to escape having to be a student under the disapproving gazes of the teachers and the majority of the female students.

Really, what more could they expect from a girl who was taught the birds and the bees by a succubus.

Apparently Alistair was just as terrified of Helen's hormonal mood swings from that time of the month as Crowley was. Like Crowley, he threw her to someone else...though he apparently had more common sense because the one he threw her to was a female demon who was well versed in the subject.

Pretty Poison, as she was collectively called by the others, had taken one look at the terrified Alistair and sniffed "Men."

**(Props to anyone who can name where I got the idea for Pretty Poison and the series she's from!)**

Because of that, Helen dressed like a 'scarlet woman' and treated men as little more than tools until they proved themselves worthy of her attention.

Helen found an empty clearing, made sure to ward it against anything that would annoy her (mostly wizards) and set down her magically powered MP3 player.

With a snap, it started playing music, and she sang along while dancing.

"_Oh, won't you tell me?_

_Please just tell me_

_Explain how this should work_

_Well now who could it be?_

_That lives inside of me_

_I'm broken, lying helpless, shattered_

_Surrounded by the world_

_And yet, you're smiling bright_

_Completely blind to life_

_My ruptured lungs; they were left this way_

_For once, I'm out of breath_

_The truth I seek_

_Never felt so bleak but, I maintain my depth_

_Freeze_

_I'm breakable; unbreakable_

_I'm shaking yet, unshakeable_

_Until the day that you find me_

_I'LL STAND HERE_

_Existing and feeling wretched existence_

_Consuming life-force till I grow distant_

_Don't bother searching for someone like me._

_A fading no one_

_I don't want to hurt you, It's not my nature_

_A monster born from dusk to dawn can't be your savior_

_Remember the 'me' the way I used to be_

_As who I still should be_

_The isolation spreads and tears_

_Those happy days, pierce into me_

_These lonely memories cease to care_

_They spread throughout my history_

_I'll never move_

_I'll never lose_

_I'll never move_

_I'll never lose_

_I'll never move_

_I'll never lose you!_

_UNRAVELLING THE WORLD_

_At once, I start changing_

_Yet everything's remaining_

_These lives I felt would join as one,_

_They fade away before they've begun_

_I'm breakable; Unbreakable_

_I'm shaking yet, Unshakeable_

_Until these hands 'contaminate' you_

_I'LL STAND HERE_

_Existing and feeling wretched existence_

_Consuming life-force til I grow distant_

_Don't bother searching for somebody like me_

_A fading no one_

_This lonely place, held into place by someone crazy_

_Shall melt away like dawn to day as things get hazy_

_So please thing of me, the way I used to be_

_As who I really should be_

_So don't forget me_

_You can't forget me_

_You won't forget me_

_Please don't forget me!_

_With changing inside I'm completely paralyzed_

_Remaining corrupt as I wish for paradise_

_Remember the 'me', the way I used to be_

_Oh, won't you tell_

_Oh, please just tell_

_Well now who could it be?_

_That lives inside of me?"_

(The English version of the opening to _**Tokyo Ghoul**_**. **I listened to the lyrics and it just fit Helen so perfectly I had to use it. It's called _Unravel_.)

Before she could get to the next song, she heard clapping. Abruptly the music player shut off as she turned to face the intruder.

It was Gabriel.

Helen was torn between snarling and running.

"What do you want you damn featherduster?" she growled.

Gabriel raised an eyebrow.

"What makes you think I have feathers?"

"Like the six gold wings aren't a dead giveaway to what you really are?!"

Gabriel's jaw dropped in absolute shock.

"You can see..."

Helen's rising anxiety being around an angel caused Lucifer to wake up. When things got too dangerous for her, Lucifer would take control. It was a workable system, since in exchange for allowing him to use her body, he got to 'leave' the cage. Partially anyway. It wasn't perfect, but it was better than being bored out of his skull.

"_Hello, little brother,"_ purred Lucifer. Gabriel nearly jumped out of his vessel from shock.

Gabriel _knew_ that Grace.

His voice was barely a whisper as he said in disbelief "Lucifer."

"_So Gabriel, exactly why are you bothering _my_ Helen?"_

"Not my idea. If I had known _you _had claimed her I would have gotten the hell out of dodge and kept three countries between us," said Gabriel, looking much more wary of the girl now.

It was bad enough that the Mage Rider was a confirmed user of Soul fire, one of the few things that could hurt an angel of any rank. But the fact she was also a vessel for Lucifer's Grace...and apparently his mind as well...there was no way Gabriel was going to mess with her now!

"Why didn't I notice this earlier?"

"_I'm still in the cage...Helen however doesn't mind me borrowing her body for a bit to deal with things she can't. The grace her father used to give her the Rider's powers just happened to be my own, added directly to her magical core."_

Gabriel winced. The fact Helen could handle the full brunt of Lucifer's grace...thought without the angel himself...was something he hadn't been aware of.

"_Why are you here Gabriel?"_

"Her godfather wanted me to see if there was any way to convince her to give him a second chance. As one of my more devoted followers, I agreed to give it a shot. If I had known you were with her I would have ignored the request outright. The last thing I want is for Micheal and his army of sycophants coming down on my ass," said Gabriel flatly.

Lucifer winced.

"_He does realize that trying to force her to change is the worst possible thing he could do, right? Helen is proud of who she is and she can't stand wizards because of the fact that most of them are complete morons. She's also extremely defensive whenever someone brings even dares to mention the idea of removing her from her father."_

Gabriel winced as well.

"How bad?"

"_Let me put it this way... She ran into Zachariah who was furious she was living with a demon and practically shredded most of one wing and would have destroyed a second if he hadn't gotten out when he did."_

Gabriel winced even more. Zachariah was a dick even _before_ Gabriel left home.

"_Gabriel, she might warm up to having you nearby provided you don't try to get her to leave her father. She's rightfully terrified of angels because of how close she came to being forced to return to the home Crowley saved her from."_

"At this point I can openly tell him I at least tried. But there's no way in our Father's name I'm messing with her if you're able to manifest in her," said Gabriel flatly.

Gabriel vanished, but by the time Helen retook control her mood was thoroughly spoiled. Despite Lucifer's assurances that Gabriel was more of a prankster than anything, she was still wary of anyone that had anything to do with heaven, even if they left it.

Following the second run-in with Gabriel, Helen made a point to keep her guard up. The demon-possessed fake kept his silence about her unease, mostly out of self-preservation. Helen was known for being as mercurial as her father when she was on edge. He had no desire to be blasted with fireballs.

All too soon, the final task loomed on the horizon. Helen had no interest in what was almost definitely a trap, if what she heard about the "Boy-Who-Lived's" previous years were anything to go by.

Honestly, it was a miracle the fake had managed to do anything right when it didn't even _have_ a soul.

Helen kept her guard up, mostly because she didn't want any other angels popping out of nowhere to ruin her day. It was bad enough _Gabriel_ had caught her indulging in one of the few things she enjoyed as a hobby. She was a very good dancer, and once Crowley had noticed this fact he had sent her to multiple tutors in the subject.

It was for multiple reasons. One was that it helped her coordination...Helen had been rather gangly once she was properly fed and finally started hitting a proper growth spurt, particularly during her time in the pit. Had she still been with the horse, she would have likely had remained stunted. It also made her much more flexible.

It had amused her father greatly that teaching her how to tap dance had the amusing effect of making her kicks that much more painful.

Dancing also strengthened her legs, making it easier for her to grip the hellhounds while they ran. Once she grew tolerably good at it, she found that she slipped less while Lucy was going at full speed than she had before.

The simple fact of the matter was that Helen loved to dance. Her singing voice was okay at best, and while the breathing exercises had strengthened her lungs and had the unexpected benefit of revealing a rather unusual attack while in Rider form, the best she could do was hold her tune...she could never hit the higher notes without breaking.

So the fact Gabriel had stumbled upon her dancing...it rattled her.

* * *

><p>Helen barely paid any attention to the cannon, except to dash in once it was her turn. Her lackey had gone in before her, and from what she could tell was facing little opposition. Half way into the maze, she came across a clearly bespelled Viktor Krum.<p>

She sneered, and with three quick steps got within his guard...and promptly slammed her foot into his groin.

Spelled or not, getting kicked in the chones was going to hurt like a bitch for a guy. Krum went down like a rock, tears of pain coming down his face as he gasped for air. He was lucky she wasn't in Rider form...her steel-tipped shoes would have had spikes in them. He would eventually recover.

She ran into Fleur next.

"_I wouldn't go that way. I just ran into Krum, and someone cursed him. If he recovers he might attack you,"_ she warned the girl.

Fleur's eyes glinted.

"_Thank you for the warning. Have you seen the fourth?"_

"_My lackey is going to spring whatever trap is waiting at the end. Whoever has taken the place of the Defense professor at this school clearly never learned to act. He walks like a new amputee and I would swear on my magic I've been smelling Polyjuice from that flask of his."_

Fleur winced. Then the words went through her mind.

"_Lackey?"_

"_The 'fourth' champion is little more than a rather poorly made magical construct, likely made from the deceased remains of James Potter. It was a soulless abomination,"_ said Helen flatly.

"_Was?"_

"_The wards here are pathetic. The moment I became of aware of what that _thing_ was, I had it possessed within a fortnight. It's been acting as my personal lackey since the start of this farce."_

Fleur's eyes widened. She knew the wards around Hogwarts had deteriorated, but not to the extent that it couldn't repel a _demon_ possession!

Suddenly the maze fell, and there were only three champions. Helen noted that Ali had vanished...she was the hellhound that she permitted the fake to have with him at all times during the tasks, except for the second.

The cheers started...for about ten seconds before confusion reigned.

The three remaining champions were whisked to the tent set up by the Medi-witch, and two hours later a very annoyed 'Potter' returned...with an extra.

Peter Pettigrew. He looked _terrified._

'Potter' was ushered to the infirmary, but not before he dropped something in Helen's hand in passing. The second she registered what it was, she grinned.

It was not only a soul fragment of the bastard, but it was a Hallow!

She crushed the metal that had the fragment attached to it after she touched it with her necklace. The stone she put in her bag and forgot about.

So far she had the Cloak and the Stone. All she needed was the wand for the complete set and they wouldn't have to worry about Dumbledore trying to sneak out of his deal again...or anyone else for that matter.

She only had a few pieces left and she would be free of the deal she made with her father.

* * *

><p>"What in Lucifer's name do you mean, <em>he resurrected himself?!<em>" she screamed.

The lackey, which had been firmly upgraded to "useful minion" (which meant she was more likely to shoot her fireballs at someone else and bothered to call him by his name), stared back at her with an irritated expression on his face.

"I mean that idiot used the fake's blood and the hand of that idiot Pettigrew to get himself another body. It looked ridiculous, by the way."

Helen took a deep breath, before she let loose a string of rather inventive curses.

"Did you see any other soul fragments?"

"Just a snake and the fake body. I don't think he's made any others just yet...the snake was rather weak," said the minion.

"Did you at least tag the bastard?"

"Of course I did. Ali gave him a good mauling before we returned," said the demon insulted.

Helen gave her most vicious hellhound a good ear scratch upon hearing that. Ali wagged her tail.

"So are you prepared to undergo training for the summer?" she asked.

The minion winced. While training meant the odds of him being killed in a fit of rage by Helen would drastically go down, it also meant spending time with the likes of _Alistair_. Something no sane demon wanted to do, as he was less reasonable than say, Azazel.

Still, if he wanted to advance in the pit, then he would have to spend a few decades in training.

"Oh grow up. I'll put in a good word for you with Uncle Alistair. That should deflect _most_ of the crap he'll put you through," she said rolling her eyes.

The demon rolled his own. The entire pit knew that in order to cope with the strain of being in the pit for so long, Helen's mind had snapped to the point she reverted to a child-like state. It was only outside of the pit that she became a complete bitch. The lone exception was when she was with her father or Alistair himself... then she became a girl eager to please her family.


	12. Chapter 12

Congrats on everyone who figured out I was referencing the Nightside series when I made Pretty Poison a character! To those of you who DIDN'T recognize her, Pretty Poison was an angel who fell and became a succubus. A man made a deal for True Love, and got the usual ten years...but when they were up he kept on loving Pretty Poison despite learning what she was, and they had to throw him out of hell. As a consequence, he became semi-immortal because his love kept him from being allowed in hell, and his deal kept him out of heaven.

* * *

><p><em><strong>Boy-Who-Lived or total fake?<strong>_

**As you'll recall in my last article, during an interview with the Potter heir's aunt, she revealed that she had no nephew.**

**Upon further digging, I was able to recover the records of the Potter's mid-wife from the woman's family...and it uncovered a shocking secret that Dumbledore apparently tried to hide.**

**I expected the records to show Harry Potter a stillborn or something equally discouraging...however there were no records of a 'Harry' being born.**

**Instead the mid-wife clearly swore on her magic and medi-witch's license that the Potters had a _daughter_. Helena Rosemary Potter, born at six pounds and two ounces to one Lily Evans-Potter and one James Charlus Potter on the night of July 31rst, at eleven fifty-eight at night.**

**To insure my findings were correct, I took this document to the Goblins, who quickly confirmed that the Potters did indeed have a daughter, not a son. A daughter which has since been adopted by a more suitable family. All records after the age of nine were sealed upon request of the girl's new family.**

**Upon finding out that the gender of the child who defeated You-Know-Who had been mistaken for so long, the goblins immediately ordered that the truth be revealed.**

**The child we all took to be the savior is not a child at all, but a magical construct. The maker is unknown, but if found will be arrested and if lucky they'll be dealing with the aurors. The goblins want their head on a pike for even trying to commit line theft under their watch.**

**If the child-who-lived was taken in by a clearly magical family, this begs several questions:**

**Who made the fake child?**

**Where is the girl now?**

**How did Dumbledore manage to hide the fact that our savior went missing before the age of six, despite all claims that the child was perfectly safe with the aunt?**

_For a copy of the medi-witch's birth records, see page three_

_For a copy of goblin records pertaining to the Potter line, page four_

_For more of Dumbledore's bungles, page seven_

_For comments from the teachers, page eight_

_**Rita Skeeter**_

* * *

><p>The public outcry from the findings of Skeeter were enormous. People were clamoring for the truth...and they were horrified to find that the 'boy-who-lived' had been a fake the entire time.<p>

Dumbledore found himself trying to do damage control, but it was far too late. To make matters worse, Snape, McGonagall and Pomphrey had made statements to the press about 'Harry' and how odd he was. To add to it, Remus and Sirius both mentioned how they had known from the start it was a fake, and that they wanted nothing to do with 'him'.

And to top it all off, Dumbledore was also trying to convince an unwilling Fudge that Voldemort had returned.

The most he could do at this point was reactivate the Order of the Phoenix and hope to hell that Voldemort didn't try anything before he could settle things down.

* * *

><p>Helen let loose a careless laugh as she rode on her new bike. It was almost as fun as riding the hellhounds, but this time she didn't have to deal with the blood that occasionally came up while they were mauling someone.<p>

Her dad was so pleased with how she snowed everyone in England over, that he bought her the motorcycle she had been eying for months. Even if her new minion (and the only one that was loyal to her at the moment) was currently undergoing training in the pit and might have some trouble getting back in now that she had revealed the 'boy-who-lived' was a total fake.

So it was with some surprise that Lucifer woke up while she was driving.

_I sense my true vessel is nearby. Want to give him and Micheal's a good scare?_

Helen grinned. She pulled over, waited for the car to approach, and then shifted into Rider mode silently. She waited for the twenty-three-year-old Dean and his younger brother Sam to pass by where she was, before she hit the gas and started driving behind them.

Seeing Micheal's vessel nearly crash his car in shock, Helen cackled.

She pulled up to where Dean was staring at her, pale-faced and in absolute shocked horror...and then flipped him the bird, cackling wildly from her new bike as she accelerated past him.

She made sure to double back to see how he reacted to that.

It was absolutely hysterical. The guy looked like he had just been slapped silly with a fish and then kissed by Lilith. His brother wasn't much better. Helen's grin was almost splitting her face when she realized Dean had actually pissed himself from fear just because she had been so close to him. She took out her camera-phone and sent a copy of the picture to her father.

In his manor, Crowley started laughing his ass off at the sight of the Winchester brothers pissing themselves over seeing his daughter.

Scaring the hell out of someone was always fun.

* * *

><p>"I can't believe we were sharing a house with a fake this entire time. How did Skeeter find out?" said Hermione.<p>

"I'm betting the Crowley girl told her," said Sirius darkly. He had opened up his house to the Order, and was very thankful that Skeeter had helped to prove his innocence. He would have gone insane if he had to stay in this hell hole any longer than he had to.

"Helen? That skank?" snarled Hermione.

The girls of Hogwarts _hated_ Helen...well, most of them anyway. There were a few odd ducks like Lovegood...or Bones and Abbot.

To be perfectly honest, she suspected the two Puffs of being more than just friends.

While Hermione was a fairly open-minded girl, the thought of doing that with another female...frankly it sickened her.

The only reason she kept her mouth shut was because she was fairly certain that Lavender and Parvati were the same, and only a fool would piss off their own dorm mates.

"Any word from the Crowley girl?" asked Remus.

Dumbledore sighed.

"All I was told was that she would return this year, but not after. Goblin law states she has to at least take her O.W.L.s in a recognized magical institution in the same country as the family's main vault, but I have no idea which family she belongs to," he admitted.

Remus thought about telling him that he knew about the deal, but realized it would be pointless. If Albus hadn't figured out who Helen Crowley actually was, or done any of the same investigating they did months ago, then he probably deserved what was coming to him.

"I'm more curious as to where my replacement has vanished off to."

Sirius, Remus and Snape growled. They had never liked the fact he had replaced Helena, and now that they _knew_ what really happened to her, any respect for Dumbledore they had went out the window.

"Speaking of Ms. Crowley, where is she?"

"According to the Lovegood girl, she had a few things to do back in America. Something about getting a new bike," said Snape dismissively.

Dumbledore frowned.

"She really needs to stay here for her own protection. I've heard rumors Voldemort was very interested in her for some reason."

Snape, Sirius and Remus all snorted derisively in a rare show of agreement.

"Her, need protection from him? From what I've heard about her from Loki, if anyone needed protecting it would be _him_," said Sirius flatly.

"Considering Loki said she'd spent _years_ in the pit, and I'm talking an accelerated time frame, I dare say the Dark Lord should be more worried about what she'll do to him," said Remus.

"What do you mean 'accelerated time frame'?" asked Hermione paling.

"Helen Crowley is the same age as you. However she spent a few years in hell training her magic. According to Loki she picked up a rare trick from an Irish wizard by the name of Patrick, so she was able to remove the excess years on her body by giving them to someone else. Considering that on the level Alistair, hell's top torture specialist, usually works on the time tends to go faster, that means she has much more experience with her magic than any of you do," said Sirius. Seeing the looks the rest of the Order was giving him, he said defensively "I've had to do a _lot_ of reading on hell and the mechanics of it since I found out my goddaughter was taken in by a demon thanks to that damn Petunia handing her over. The Blacks have been negotiating with them for years, so they've picked up a lot about hell."

"So how old is she?"

"Physically, she's roughly nineteen at least. Mentally I'd say she's as old as I am," said Remus.

"Is there any way you could convince her to come here? At least until the school starts? We really do need to keep her under control..." started Albus.

Sirius thought that idea over for a moment, before inspiration hit. It wasn't nice, it was almost certainly going to be bad for someone, but damn if it didn't guarantee some bloody entertainment to those who knew who she was!

"I might have an idea..." said Sirius.

He later outlined his plan to Remus and Snape, both of whom began to snicker evilly at the thought of Helen Crowley driving everyone else insane. Sure the women would be pissed as hell once they realized what was really going on, but at this point Sirius had quit caring.

Plus this might be his only chance to bond with his goddaughter in a way she would accept.

* * *

><p>"So let me get this straight...Sirius Black is willing to hire me to make Dumbledore's life even more hellish than I already was..." said Helen slowly to Gabriel.<p>

"Yup. Old goat wants you under 'protection', and Sirius figured it would be funnier if you drove him bonkers instead. Said this might the only way you'd at least bond with him as your godfather without accidentally alienating you," said Gabriel.

Actually it _was_ a good plan. Gave them something to talk about at least.

"Hmm...how much we talking about here, and what limits are there?"

"Thirty galleons a month, and the only limit is that he doesn't want any killing or any demon summoning in the house. He wants you to drive the man even more insane than he already is, not kill him. He also said you're free to raid the Black family library."

"Bah, I already had that fake possessed."

"Not my problem and I doubt he'll care."

Sirius Black didn't really care, so long as that thing behaved. The fact Helen now had a competent minion under her command (the first demon ever to be placed as her minion, in fact) was not his problem.

* * *

><p>"What is <em>that<em> doing here?!" snarled Remus.

The fake Potter looked at him bored.

"Oh be silent wolf. Did you really thing she would allow a fake without a soul to stay that way for long?" he growled back.

Sirius processed that.

"You mean you're..."

"I possessed this empty shell less than a week after she became aware of what it actually was. She needed a competent minion for Gryffindor, so I was sent," he stated flatly.

Hermione bristled.

"You mean to tell me that for the past several months I was sharing a house with a bloody _demon_?!" she hissed.

"To be fair, the wards at that school are a joke. It didn't take me five minutes to get in," said the demon bluntly.

"Whoever made that fake couldn't add a soul. All I did was add one that wouldn't annoy me too much and would be useful," said Helen.

Helen openly smirked at Molly Weasley, who bristled at the sight of her usual outfit. It looked more like a corset that wasn't tied properly and a skirt that just barely reached her knees. The twins were the only males under twenty that looked her in the eyes rather than her bust or ass.

This was partially because she was their silent partner, but mostly because they had seen the real reason she dressed like that. If they wanted her to respect them, they would have to look past appearances and not stray to the distractions she presented.

The only thing that kept the matriarch of the Weasley clan from getting onto the girl was one, she wasn't her child or a friend of any of her children (that she was aware of). Two the girl had been ignoring the likes of McGonagall, Sprout and even the headmaster for several months. And three, and this was the biggest reason, her three hellhounds were eying her with open intent to maul at the first provocation.

"Where's the fourth?" asked Sirius.

"He's around. Nick is one of the most overprotective of the four," said Helen fondly. He was actually the other boy beside her.


	13. Chapter 13

Helen was (somehow...she still wasn't clear on _how_ this happened) roped into cleaning out the 'Dark' artifacts from the house. Fortunately it wasn't a total waste of time...she kept filching the more interesting pieces, with Sirius' blessing.

It had the added effect of keeping Kreacher (a decrepit old house elf who apparently served the harpy in the portrait) from bitching too much about it.

At least she was able to save the library...Sirius made a ward that kept anyone without hell magic in them from accessing the more dangerous books, which kept Molly from complaining too much. The only reason she didn't complain too much was because despite being told otherwise, she still had difficulty believing any natural witch would deal with demons to gain a similar power.

Helen didn't feel like explaining that anyone could learn hell magic, if they didn't mind spending a few centuries learning how to cast without a focus and learned to quit caring about how people saw you.

About the only real side effect of using it frequently was that you started to stink of sulfur once you used it without having a demon act as the power source, but Helen quit smelling things like that years ago.

So while the other children were sleeping, Helen would sneak into the Black family library...while Lucy acted as Helen to keep the red-haired harpy from noticing anything.

Helen stared at the item on the middle shelf. Before Ronald's greasy hands could pick it up, Helen's darted out and snatched it.

Everyone stared at her in surprise.

"No way...a two hundred year old piece...and it looks like it can still play..." she said in disbelief.

In her hands was an absolutely beautiful violin. The strings were in bad need of replacement, and the bow wasn't any good any more, but the rest was in very good condition.

Sirius took one look at it and snorted.

"Of course...out of all the Dark artifacts in that bloody shelf, you take an interest in the one thing that doesn't have any on it," he said in amusement.

Well, outside of preservation charms that is.

Helen snapped her fingers. Blake appeared.

"Yes?"

"Bring me my blue bag," she told him.

"At once," he agreed.

A few minutes later Helen had expertly restrung the instrument and brought out her bow. To the shock of everyone, she began to play a song.

Hermione quickly identified it as "Ride of the Valkyrie's".

When she finished she noticed their looks.

"You can play the violin?"

"I got bored, and this was one of the preferred tortures of uncle Alistair. He said if I was going to be trained by him, then I would have to learn at least one string instrument. Violins are one of the easier ones to make in the pit," she shrugged.

Alistair was a classical music buff.

He had Helen make her own instrument from the bodies of those on the racks. The screams elicited from her playing were delightful, though she had long since quit hearing them.

You spend enough time in the pit, you quit smelling all but the worst things that don't pop up as often, you learn to tune out the sounds of the damned, and you tend to develop something of an immunity to all but the hottest flames.

"I still can't believe you can play a violin," said Hermione dumbly.

"Not much call for it," shrugged Helen.

Once assured no one would throw away the instrument, they went back to cleaning. Much to Helen's disappointment, there wasn't anything interesting left in the cabinet.

* * *

><p>It was two weeks before the school restarted, and Molly Weasley's maternal instincts were at their wit's end. Unlike McGonagall and Poppy, she hadn't given up the fact that trying to get Helen to at least wear something with a bit more coverage as a bad job.<p>

Which lead to a confrontation during dinner one memorable night.

Helen listened to the Weasley matriarch's rant, before she raised a single sculpted eyebrow.

"One, you are not my mother and there's no way in heaven I am going to let you treat me like a child. Two, I'm not about to listen to a woman who's an even bigger coward than my father and uncle Alistair were the minute they realized I hit puberty. Three, I dress this way for a reason...which for some odd reason, only your twin sons have figured out the true purpose of," she stated flatly.

"I am not a coward!"

"You, and a good majority of the magical Europeans, are so damn dependent on a fifteen-year-old girl to defeat the same mad man who went on a rampage because you were too scared to say his freaking name when the first generation magicals outnumber him a good four-to-one," she said simply.

"Wait, what do you mean there's a reason for the type of clothes you wear?!" demanded Hermione.

"Oh honey, haven't you figured it out yet? The real power in the world is held by _women_. Even in the pit, one of the most powerful demons is a _female_, even if we really hate the bitch. If a guy can't think past his second head long enough to realize that it's a trick, then why should I bother getting to know them at all?"

Hermione blinked twice.

The weird thing was she could actually see the girl's point. That didn't mean she had to like it though.

"But why do you have to dress like...that? I mean aren't there more effective and less scandalous ways to trick them?"

Helen rolled her eyes.

"Again, Uncle Alistair and Dad are the biggest damn cowards you will ever meet."

"Okay, I know I'm going to regret this, but how is the chief torture specialist in hell a coward?" asked Sirius raising his hand.

"Give them a damned soul to torture, and they won't bat an eye. Tell them that they have to explain the birds and the bees to a teenaged girl they've trained and raised since she was a child, and they run around like headless chickens. Those two practically threw me at a succubus by the name of Pretty Poison the second I started having my first period," snorted Helen.

Sirius couldn't help it, he snorted too.

"Let me get this straight, the big bad demon torture master of hell was terrified of having to explain how babies are made to a teenager?"

"To be fair, my father is still dreading the day I finally find a guy he can't chase off or trick into a deal. The last three guys I tried to date were dumb enough to sell their soul for something else, and were very surprised when I kicked them to the curb soon after."

Sirius started laughing. Big bad demons, the terror of the wizarding communities, scared of a teenaged girl.

"Please tell me I can at least see the pensieve memory of that!" he asked her.

"Since you asked so nicely... there's a reason why Dad always called me his little hellion," said Helen sweetly. Sirius snickered.

"In any case, that is no way for a young lady to dress!" scolded Molly.

"Again, I was raised by demons, given the 'Talk' by a succubus, and you are not my mother. I see no reason to change my wardrobe when I specifically dress this way to give you prudish Brits a coronary," said Helen scathingly.

At this point Sirius realized trying to force his missing goddaughter to change her ways was a pointless endeavor. The best he could hope for was that she would at least respect him enough to at least hear him out.

"You do realize that wearing those outfits give girls a bad name," said Hermione with a growl.

Helen raised a single eyebrow.

"Why would I waste time caring about what other people think when the only opinion that matters is my own? Humans put too much stock on appearances and not enough on what is inside. Or in your case you put too much stock on books," she said flatly, sneering at Hermione.

Hermione bristled.

"What?" she snarled.

"I said, little bookworm, that you are so wrapped up in your little fantasy world where the rules actually _matter_ that you failed to realize that the real world has no rules. Otherwise you would have noticed that the only people who willingly associate with you are those too shy to tell you to shut the hell up about what books claim to say," smirked Helen.

Every male in the room promptly backed away from what could only be described as an epic cat fight in the making. Male cowardice at it's finest.

"This coming from someone who dresses like a two knut whore?"

"Better to look like a two knut whore with some dignity than a girl who resembles a squirrel and lives in a book all the time. Anal retentive much?" she countered cattily.

"You take that back! I am not a bloody squirrel!"

"With that bushy hair? The only other thing that comes to mind is skunk. Oh wait, that's your boyfriend! Who else would an anal retentive bush date other than one of the few boys in the school who can't even remember to _bathe_ regularly?"

"Now see here!" started Mrs. Weasley, clearly realizing Helen had just insulted her son Ron. She inadvertently drew Helen's snarky wit against her.

"What's the matter, Momma kitty cat? Angry someone is _finally_ calling out on the piss poor way you raised your youngest son? I mean, you must be a horrible influence on your own children if he doesn't even understand that people prefer to be around those who wash regularly, have _actual_ table manners and aren't reverse Death Eaters," said Helen smirking.

The twins would have defended their mother, but they wisely kept silent. Molly had brought this on herself, and to be honest they were sick of Ron's behavior anyway.

"And let's not forget the fact that nearly every person in this room would gladly hex you silent, if only to get relief from your strident harpy voice. You sent how many howlers to the twins last year? All you ever do is yell at them, thinking that it would solve the problem, when all you're really doing is airing the family's dirty laundry in a way that you're bringing public humiliation to it instead," said Helen.

She was not going to pull any punches for this harpy. Molly Weasley and her loud obnoxious voice had ruined one too many breakfasts last year, and she was going to put a stop to that or at least give the twins a break.

"That is enough," said Arthur, though it was pretty evident he did agree with Helen on some points. He wasn't about to let a foreigner insult his wife.

"And you! Where the hell is your backbone man? You are the _head_ of the Weasley family, yet you can't control your own wife from humiliating your children in public just because she dislikes the fact they're showing they have a personality! It's no wonder your oldest children left England as fast as they could once they graduated! Grow a fucking spine!" said Helen, directing her annoyance at the Weasley patriarch.

The man flinched.

Helen directed her glare at the room. Only Sirius, Remus, Snape and the twins didn't flinch from her gaze.

"Anyone else care to try their luck?" she asked.

No one spoke a word. It was clear she would attack anyone who tried to change her.

"In that case, back the fuck off or I'll do worse than bark at you," said Helen. She left the room with her head held high.

"That girl is a menace!" said Molly angrily.

"That girl made several valid points, and she didn't say a thing that wasn't true," said Sirius flatly.

Molly rounded on him, but her tongue was held silent by his glare. This wasn't the jovial, laid back Padfoot. This was Sirius Black, owner of the house.

"I hate to say this, but she's right. We _have _lost our damn backbones since we started letting Dumbledore tell us what to think. And frankly I'm sick of playing to his tune. And as for you, Molly Weasley, stop trying to run this place like it's your own bloody house. I'm sick of you coddling the children like they're five. They're old enough to understand what's going on, and keeping them out of the loop is only going to get them killed," said Sirius.

"Dumbledore..." started Molly, but she was cut off by an unexpected source.

"Is not the owner of the house. He might run the Order, but Sirius is the one who _owns_ this place. If he wants to tell them the cold hard truth, there is nothing you can legally do to stop him. You can keep him from telling your own children, but you can't keep them from hearing it from Hermione or the others," said Snape. He was sick of Dumbledore's bullshit anyway. If _Snape_ was agreeing with Sirius, who he hated, then something was definitely wrong.

"If none of you like it, then you can find a new place to have these damn meetings. I don't know about you lot, but I'm sick of talking about doing something but never acting on it," said Sirius flatly.

"It's about damn time!" said Moody.

"But the prophecy..." started Molly.

"Was given by a drunk who last I checked, stays safely inside her little tower with some questionable narcotics most of the time. I doubt she has ever given a _real_ prophecy in her life," said Snape.

Battle lines were drawn. Those that would follow Dumbledore blindly, and those who were tired of being mindless sheep. Much to Molly's dismay, almost _all_ of her children (with the lone exception of Ron) promptly sided with Sirius and those who wanted to actually do something and not rely on a girl who hadn't been seen since that night.


	14. Chapter 14

Helen couldn't believe the overnight change. It was about time the Order of the Self-Frying Chicken finally got off it's ass. The best part, the absolutely best part, was that those who were finally showing signs of being something other than mindless sheep had stayed, while the rest had moved to the Hog's Head tavern. Dumbledore had tried to keep the Order together, but sadly Molly Weasley's harpy voice had made their point clear.

Either Helen goes, or they split the Order into two factions.

So the sheep went to Hogsmeade to conduct their meetings, where nothing actually got done with the information Snape supplied, while those who planned to give Voldemort hell stayed at Grimmauld.

Much to the fury of Molly, the twins stayed with Sirius and the others. Ginny was forced to leave because she was a minor, and Hermione, in a show of solidarity went with her. Thankfully Ron also went.

Helen, because she was the _only_ person in the house who knew how to cook without poisoning everyone or 'pulling a Crowley', ended up being delegated as the official chef of the house.

One bite, and they all agreed that the change was welcomed. Molly Weasley was decent, but Helen was an artist. She didn't do deep fried and under flavored.

The irony was that once the sheep were gone, they found themselves with the oddness that was a cooperative Helen Crowley.

The second Molly Weasley and Hermione left, Helen quit wearing her scandalous outfits and started wearing t-shirts with outrageous sayings and jeans that went down to her knees.

Sirius had been dumbfounded...at least until Helen explained the real reason she wore those outfits.

It was all one big prank on people who believed in first impressions... people like Molly, Hermione, and pretty much every wizard-born or raised person. Sirius had laughed, but it was pretty clear to Remus and Snape he was glad that Helen could dress like a normal teenager and not, as Hermione had so bluntly called her, a two-knut whore.

Even if he did look a mite irritated at the shirt Snape now wore every time he came to the 'New' Order of the Phoenix that proclaimed he was "Bigger that Black". Remus had his own shirt that made him snicker.

"_I Invented Doggy Style."_

He really needed to find out where Helen kept finding those hilarious shirts.

"Sooo. I heard you got yourself a motorcycle," said Sirius.

He would jump at any chance to connect with his goddaughter...even a small one.

"A classic Harley Davidson with all the original fittings. Bright cherry red with hellfire black, the gas is for show...the entire thing is possessed by the soul of a hell hound that died and is bound to the frame. About the only thing it doesn't do is fly, unfortunately."

Sirius grinned.

"Would you like it to?" he asked.

"No more having to drive _directly_ over water? You bet your ass I would!"

Finally, finally something to bond over! The two spent a good two hours enchanting the bike so that it could fly, and to increase it's already impressive defenses.

Unlike Johnny Blaze, Helen's bike was more than passingly sentient. Hers could maul people if in the right mood. She affectionately called the hellhound spirit bound to the frame Dante. Both as a reference to _Dante's Inferno _and the movie **Dante's Peak**, which was a fictional recreation of the Mt. Saint Helen eruption.

Considering all of her hounds had names referencing either hell or something similar (Hermes was based off the _Hellsing _manga, considering the spell Alucard used to release his full power, and Hermes the god, who was known to take messages to the Underworld), no one batted an eye towards it.

"UGH! What is _this_ tripe?" she said, looking at one of the books on the list.

"What is it?"

"Some crappy defense book. I've heard of the author...guy was a total pansy who shit himself at the mere thought of being near a demon. Some of the lower ones went to visit him for shits and giggles," said Helen.

Sirius snickered. Once you got past the "TOTAL BITCH!" shield, Helen was actually a nice girl and rather sweet to be around. She just hated idiots to the point she kept people at a distance.

"Now, who wants to be my newest bitch... I mean happy test subject?" she asked.

"For what?" asked Bill.

"Cooking, obviously," she said.

"ME!" came the duo responses of the twins.

They would later regret being so quick to volunteer when they learned the hard way Helen also put 'potions' under her definition of cooking. Snape had blackmail pictures he planned to threaten the twins with during the year to get them to back the hell off of him.

The subject today? Humiliating prank potions, up to and not excluding the gender-switching potion.

She still feed them, but the twins had to endure the laughter of their older brothers, the Marauders and the evil cackling of their usual victim, Professor Snape.

* * *

><p>"What do you want Rita?" asked Helen bored.<p>

"Stories girl! I need something to feed the masses!"

"What about Dumbledore?"

"I would need something truly shocking since that last article you gave me came out."

Who knew people would throw such a fit about Albus Dumbledore and Grindlewald being former lovers and that the entire Dark Lord thing had been the result of a massive lover's spat?

"I would say Fudge, but since they threw him out he hasn't been such an amusing target anymore. What about the Malfoy clan?"

Rita looked intrigued.

"What do you have in mind?"

"Well from what I remember, Malfoy is a French pure blood clan. Why not dig up why they left France to begin with and then tell everyone? Should be interesting enough...not to mention scandalous if Fleur refuses to say anything."

Fleur was still on friendly terms with Helen, so long as the snark and bitchiness were kept to a minimum. The fact Helen had introduced her to Bill had nothing to do with it. Nope, nothing at all.

"You'll let me take my demon bodyguards with me, right?" asked Rita nervously.

"Rita, Rita, Rita... what would be the point of sending you to France if you weren't about to humiliate Malfoy by airing their dirty laundry? I still have a use for you after all. Of course I'm sending the guards with you."

Sirius took one look at the headline of the Prophet (as did the other Weasley males) and started cackling (or laughing in the case of the others).

_**Malfoys: Pure Blood royalty or Disgraced French line?**_

**We all know the Malfoys. Some of us have seen one at some point, whether it's Lucius at the Ministry or Draco at Hogwarts. But is there really any substance the hype they spew about their family name?**

**This reporter was determined to find out...and the truth was far more scandalous than would be believed!**

**Investigating the Malfoy family took this reporter to the outskirts of France, deep into the pure blood society. Most pure blood families were reluctant to speak of the Malfoy clan, while others refused to even acknowledge it's existence.**

**Finally after a month of searching, this reporter hit pay dirt.**

**The Malfoy family, while indeed being from a long line of pure blood witches and wizards, is not in fact a noble line as it claims. In fact, it was once even lower in the ranks than the English family known as the Weasleys! So poor that they could barely afford a wand, let alone a house elf.**

**So how did a once weak (and extremely destitute) French pure blood line suddenly jump through the ranks?**

**The answer, appalling as it might seem, lies in what happened two hundred years ago, shortly before they fled to England and changed their family name.**

**There is a small French clan of Veela who once took pity on the then small Malfoy family and had them act as servants. One of the Veela had a beautiful daughter (who's name has been withheld at the request of the clan) who was betrothed to another. However, one of the men from the Malfoy family was in lust over the girl.**

**One night, he killed the girl's betrothed, and kidnapped her. When the family finally located her, she was pregnant with the child of the Malfoy line and clearly cursed to be loyal. Distraught, they cast the child out and reclaimed the daughter, who was promptly obliviated to spare her further trauma. She later remarried, but the Malfoy clan was immediately cast out of the French magical society and nearly killed off for the betrayal. The child was taken by the Malfoys.**

**Upon reaching England, most of the clan became thieves and stole the hard-earned gold of other clans until they bought their way into our noble society. However the betrayal of the Malfoy clan remained, and thus they were named 'Bad Faith'.**

**One must wonder if this habit of theft, lies and betrayal has ever bred out, or if this clan of 'bad faith' wizards has become better at hiding their true nature.**

_For an extended version of the Malfoy lineage, Page four._

_For more on their clan history in France, page six_

_**By Rita Skeeter**_

Lucius was _pissed_, Draco was furious...and Narcissa? Well she couldn't be happier to be a Black.

Finding out this tidbit of the Malfoy family history was news to her. But once she had it confirmed, she did something that would have Lucius seething even more.

She immediately demanded a divorce, citing that he had married her under false pretenses. The Black family had only agreed to the marriage because they had thought the Malfoys were from a long noble French line. Finding out they had merely _bought_ their way into English nobility was more than enough for her to dissolve her farce of a marriage.

To be fair, she hated Lucius anyway.

As if telling the world the true history of the Malfoy family wasn't damaging enough, the fact Narcissa had dissolved her marriage with Lucius had really caused a stir. Draco was still a Malfoy, but he had lost any claim he might have had to the Black Family fortune.

And with it, a good chunk of his power in Slytherin house.

* * *

><p>Sirius didn't know whether to be amused by this development, or horrified.<p>

Amused, because Narcissa agreed to make her former husband's life hell in exchange for being allowed to live in Grimmauld place...or horrified because she had struck an unholy alliance with Helen, who promptly used the amused Black to give Rita more things to research and expose to the light of day.

Narcissa had all but adopted Helen as a daughter, citing she was more of a Black than Draco could ever hope to be. The weird thing was that her adopted father had agreed to it, once Helen summoned him to explain what was going on.

Sirius wished he could be surprised that Narcissa was immediately charmed by a demon with an English accent and vindictive personality. But sadly, he wasn't. Fergus Crowley was like a Cockney and infinitely more dangerous Black, just without the magical heritage. They got along like a kitchen on fire.

Though it wasn't until her adopted father nearly burnt _down_ the house (via the kitchen) that he finally found out why Helen called burning the house down as 'Pulling a Crowley'.

If Narcissa ended up with a bloody demon, he would not be surprised. She was as conniving and vindictive as one.

Helen was cackling. She was going to test out the flight capabilities of her bike, and at the same time give whoever was stupid enough to assign that book a scare.

She recited the pass phrase she made up so that the bike could manifest in full Rider form without having to wait for night. Her own blue flames came to life the moment she was on the bike's seat.

"_**The Hound of Dante is my name, Dancing in flames to pretend I'm tame. May all who thrive in the false light, cower now in the presence of my sight."**_

Parents and children alike hit the deck when they heard the roar of the bike and the hound. Beside her, all four hell hounds went into pursuit mode, only they didn't bother to remain invisible.

As the train left the station, the bike and the hell hounds kept easy pace with it, streaming hell fire and destruction in their wake.

The students all crowded to watch the passing of the Mage Rider, as many had forgotten Helen could be much, much more dangerous if she cared to be.

Most stared in awe at the sight of the metallic hound and it's Master. Helen's cackles were heard through the night as she rode her new ride right past the gates and to the staff table. She skidded to a halt just shy of the staff table, and to the shocked horror of the current Defense teacher, a Ministry toady by the name of Umbridge, dissolved her Rider form revealing her scandalous outfit. Yes, it covered the important parts, but it also revealed far too much skin in the opinion of the adult women.

Helen gleefully took her seat at the Ravenclaw table as the students finally started to pile in. Her 'bike' roared as it shrank into a charm bracelet that looked like a hell hound biting it's own tail.

Best way to start the year ever.

* * *

><p>Helen took one look at Delores Umbridge, and hated her on sight. The woman wore the most garish pink color in existence and from the moment she spoke, treated the entire school like it was full of naughty five-year-old children that needed firm discipline and several punishments to keep them in line.<p>

For the first time since her arrival, Helen Crowley and the entire student population were on the exact same side. This woman would have to go, Ministry pawn or not.

The moment they returned to the Ravenclaw dorms, Helen addressed her fellow Ravens.

"Ladies and Gentlemen, we have a new enemy in Hogwarts. I don't care what that woman said, we are not allowing the Ministry to promote such nonsense in this school! Especially not when we're supposed to be prepping for our exams!"

Cho Chang, the Head Girl of Ravenclaw, looked at her.

"And why should we listen to you? She might actually be competent."

"Have you actually _read_ the book she assigned? Anyone who thinks that piece of trash is acceptable to teach Defense needs to have their head examined. The man who wrote it is so terrified of demons that the lower-ranked hell spawn have a habit of 'visiting' him for laughs and training purposes!"

Several Ravenclaws grimaced. Some _had_ read the book and wondered who had assigned such nonsense.

If need be, Helen would beg Narcissa to take over Defense, if only so she wasn't bored out of her damn mind!

After the first class, the entirety of Ravenclaw (from second year upwards) stood united against Umbridge. They would not let such a travesty towards learning continue. Even if it meant siding with Helen.

Within a month, every other house joined her banner.


	15. Chapter 15

One class with the Umbitch, as Helen immediately called her inside her head, and the entire Ravenclaw house declared a boycott. Though in the first year's case it was less of a boycott and more that they didn't want to ostracize themselves with the upper years.

As such, the Ravenclaws (under Helen's suggestion) began to hold a round robin Defense class. Those under fourth year had a general class that would cover curses, jinxes, hexes and the occasional healing spell thrown in. It surprised many that Helen was actually a qualified Healer in America...at least until she explain that she learned it from a medi-witch in the pit in exchange for a few decades off Alistair's racks.

She had all the training, without the annoying oath that kept her from using it on muggles. She was a Medi-Witch without the license.

Fifth years would scour the library for useful tomes and things likely to come up on the tests. Sixth years used it as a head start for their NEWTs, while Seventh years spent the time getting advice from Helen about what was likely to be on the tests. They wisely figured out that she would have an idea of what they would be surprised with.

* * *

><p>It was the crying that got her attention.<p>

Helen went around the corner to find...Susan Bones and Hannah Abbot?

Without saying a word, Helen took Susan's hand and examined it.

Her hand was scratched up, and normally she might be able to pass it off as her scraping it. However, it was the appearance of those scratches that had her pissed off beyond reason.

_I will not commit crimes against nature._

"What happened?"

"The Toad caught us in one of the abandoned classrooms, and gave us detention. We've tried to tell the teachers, but she put a curse on..."

"I see."

Sadly, Helen had an idea of what happened. She knew Susan and Hannah were more than just friends. It was why she was at least civil towards them and never used her full bitchiness against them. Word had gotten around last year that Helen was nicer to those who weren't straight.

Some of the girls even wondered if she was like them or not. Picking Fleur as her date certainly pointed that Helen was either a lesbian or at least open to experimentation.

Umbitch certainly _acted_ like Hermione, who was completely intolerant to same-gender couples. And these marks could only come from a blood quill. Something Helen was intimately familiar with thanks to her father.

"How many others has she had 'detention' with?" asked Helen seriously.

"Why?" asked Susan suspiciously.

"I can reverse the curse on the quill. Or at least undo the damage it causes. My dad uses them all the time when he doesn't want to seal a deal or contract the usual way. And since he makes his own, that means he taught me the counter-curse to them."

"Why are you being so nice to us?" asked Hannah.

Helen smiled. Not one of her fake ones, but a genuine one.

"Just because I act like a bitch doesn't mean I am one. It's just one of the most effective ways to keep assholes who just want to use me for their own gain to keep their distance, or when I'm around people like that idiot Granger, to get them to make mistakes. And I can usually tell when someone bats for the same team, if you catch my drift," she said.

"So...you're nicer to people who like the same gender, but not straight people?"

"People who only tolerate traditional pairings or are overly religious tend to be self-righteous hypocrites that are assholes anyway. People who like the same gender as them are at least somewhat reasonable, and I figure they have a hard enough time coming out of the closet that they don't need my bitch act to make their life harder. Now, if you can get all the others who were forced to write with those annoying things, then I can heal them. The teachers are too cowardly to take this bitch out, because they're afraid the Ministry will come down on them."

The girls winced. Mostly because it _was_ true.

Hannah and Susan got all those they knew in Hufflepuff who had gotten 'detention' with the Toad. Helen, once she saw how many where there, became furious.

Yes, she was raised by demons, but at least none of them tortured _children_. Well, except Lilith, but it was one of the main reasons they hated the bitch.

It was much easier to kill the children than torture them. In the words of Alistair, the main reason he never put her on the rack was because the screams wouldn't have been nearly as satisfying. Children screamed and cried all the time. It was not as much fun.

Which was probably the reason why Alistair and her father were so out of their depth when it came to a recently-turn-teen girl. They were so used to dealing with adults that they were out of their depth when it came to children.

Helen worked with quick, if not quiet, efficiency, casting the counter-curse that made it possible for the words to heal over properly.

It was a little known fact that blood quills were laced with a rather nasty curse that made whatever it was used to draw or write stay on permanently if used for too long. It was why the goblins only used them for important documents and why they were considered a restricted item, only available to certain people.

For someone to use them to force children to write _lines_ repeatedly...this bitch had evidently discovered this fact and used it as a quite effective form of torture. One that was use to brutal efficiency.

The children, who had been quietly sniffling because they were forced to remember the pain and fear from the fact they had to use such painful quills, quieted down when they realized the scars were healing over.

They had been too reluctant to tell Madam Pomphrey, primarily because when Granger had been sent to McGonagall, word had spread that the woman had sent her away with the words to keep her head down.

Peeves had heard the conversation and had told the other ghosts, who didn't bother to keep the discussion from the prying ears of the children.

They knew. The teachers were too afraid to deal with the Toad, and if they weren't willing to help, then why bother trying to tell them about the quills? Not to mention the fact the hag had cursed them with a spell to keep it quiet.

Once she was done, the children didn't need to be told a thing. They were just glad the scars had healed.

"I am going to deal with that damn Toad. If I find her torturing one more student, she's going to get an express trip to Uncle Alistair's _special_ racks."

Hannah and Susan shivered.

They had heard of Alistair. His name was legendary in the Auror community as being one of the worst demons you could run into during a case. Some of the older Aurors, grizzled veterans who would mock Voldemort if someone spoke about him in hushed whispers, would break down if they even _thought_ Alistair was going to be nearby.

Couldn't happen to a better woman.

* * *

><p>"Has anyone seen Luna?"<p>

Luna Lovegood was considered Helen's faithful assistant, next to 'Blake', the golem who resembled James Potter far too much for it to be good.

To be fair, most of Gryffindor didn't mind Blake because while he was a fake human, he also kept Ron and Hermione in check when no one else _dared_ to speak against the former 'Golden Trio'.

His scathing tongue kept Hermione from being an overbearing annoyance. He would frequently hogtie Ron and throw him in the shower and animate the scrub brushes to clean him, with or without clothes on. The number of complaints about the smell from the youngest Weasley male had dropped drastically since he was forced to clean himself more than once or twice a week.

Blake was also trying to improve his table manners by kicking him, hard. Ron was slowly learning to act in _normal_ society, whether he liked it or not.

"Last I saw Luna, she was in the library."

Helen had a bad feeling. She went to her bag and pulled out what appeared to be a scrap piece of parchment.

The twins were more perceptive than any other wizards she had meet in a while. They knew something was wrong with "Harry" and hadn't given him the parchment. Instead they gave it to Helen.

"_I solemnly swear I am up to no good,_" she said under her breath. She looked through the map until she found Luna, and once she did her magic flared in fury.

The Toad had her in her office. Luna wasn't moving from the spot, but Helen didn't need to be told what happened. Clearly Umbitch found Luna and had forced her into serving one of her 'detentions'.

Helen stashed the map back into her bag, and stormed out of the tower.

She had said if she heard Umbitch had tortured another student, she would deal with her personally. For her to target Luna...that was just very, very poor judgment.

And really, really bad timing.

* * *

><p>Umbridge was pleased. While she hadn't cornered that scarlet woman Crowley, nabbing her little side kick was almost as sweet.<p>

Lovegood, sadly, didn't even whimper a little from being forced to use her...special...quills. A little 'Imperio' and the bitch was made to write until that pathetic hand of hers bled.

Served her right for writing those lies about the Ministry, or for making up all those fake creatures. Rotfang Conspiracy indeed!

The door blasted from the frame into the far wall. She stared at what was standing there.

This was no teasing scarlet woman, or some scantily clad American floozy. This was a demon-raised witch with hellfire and damnation in her eyes. For the first time in a long time, Umbridge felt a very human chill of fear go down her spine.

Helen wasn't in Rider form. She didn't need to be with how pissed she was, and this bitch was too good to just have her soul judged by the Rider's stare.

No, she was going to make the Toad wish she were dead, before she finally killed her...then she would make sure Uncle Alistair put her on his extra-special racks. The ones reserved for those who had really, _really_ pissed off someone high enough to rate them.

Voldemort and Dumbledore were on the short list for those racks, once Helen decided to quit toying with them.

Helen snapped her fingers, breaking the curse on Luna. The blue-eyed pale blond whimpered as the pain hit. Another snap had her transported to Helen's room, where the hell hounds would guard her until Helen came back to heal her.

Madam Pomphrey might be a very skilled Medi-witch, but Helen would never trust the staff here for allowing this...thing...to harm innocent children and walk freely like she owned the place.

"I would say that you would learn the lesson of touching that which is mine...but that would imply I intend to show you mercy and let you walk out of here under your own power," said Helen flatly.

The only mercy she would show this filth was that she had no mercy for her.

Umbridge drew her wand.

"Stay back!" she screamed in genuine terror. This witch wasn't in Rider form, but she didn't need the Rider's appearance to terrify people who pissed her off.

A very useful skill one could easily pick up in the pit allowed the user to give off an aura that accomplished the same thing with little trouble. Besides, becoming the Rider implied she felt Umbridge was a threat, and that couldn't be farther from the truth.

_**I am the daughter of Dante...**_

_**Shredding my past to bolster the flames...**_

Behind Helen came a true vision of terror. It could only be described as pure, unfiltered Death. The souls of the damned, the lost, those so corrupt and evil that could never be redeemed...all of it appeared behind her. Umbridge pissed herself from fear.

"_You should never have touched that which is mine, Delores Jane Umbridge. Now you shall feel the true force of my wrath. And when I finally release you into Death's sweet embrace, you shall know never-ending pain and suffering,"_ she intoned. Her voice took on a horrifying echo quality, almost as if she wasn't there at all. Her eyes, which once held an emerald quality so deep it was like looking into the depths of purest green, had turned a blue so bright it was almost like pure electricity in human form.

Helen, when she spoke those words which contained half of a very special aria she had come up with inside the pit after running into a very amusing vampire that lived there upon his death, allowed Lucifer's darker nature to come out in full force through Helen's body.

Alucard was not some fictional character. He was very, very real. However, because of how closely tied to hell he had been before he was finally killed, his soul had gone straight to the lowest depths of the pit upon his death, instead of purgatory.

Helen, when she first met him, had been fascinated by his ability to summon the souls of all those he had eaten over the centuries. Alucard was charmed by a girl not even eleven who wasn't the least bit terrified by his full power, or the gruesome nature of his magic.

And to show how much he favored her, he gave her a rare gift.

The ability to command him. He rarely favored mortals, but every once in a while he found someone so interesting that the idea of serving them made up for the idea of becoming a kept vampire. The last one had been the Hellsing family, which sadly had been wiped out by the Ministry of Magic because they were terrified that one day they would bring Alucard back and set it against them.

By the time Helen allowed Umbridge to die, the Aurors had been called in by McGonagall.

She turned towards a very pale Amelia Bones.

"_Tell your 'master' that I will not tolerate an attack on what is mine. This will be his only warning if he tries another stunt like this again."_

Amelia Bones looked like she wanted to throw up, but barely refrained from doing so in the presence of such power.

"What did she do to deserve this?" she asked faintly.

"_In the top desk drawer are several quills. She used them on innocent children, one of which was your niece. She also cursed those she tortured so they could not speak out. Delores Umbridge chose the wrong girl to target with her madness."_

If Amelia was horrified before, she was beyond pissed now. If what this...thing...was implying was true, then the Under Secretary had gotten everything she deserved.

What pissed her off the most, however, was that the teachers were more interested in protecting their own skin and jobs than they were the students. Susan had shown Professor Sprout the wounds, and outside of taking her to Madam Pomphrey, not a one had done a damn thing about it.

Amelia Bones was disgusted that it took someone as dark and dangerous as the Hell Witch Crowley to deal with the menace, instead of the very people they entrusted their children to. About the only consolation was that at least Helen Crowley valued children enough to protect them without wanting a reward or being asked to do it.


	16. Chapter 16

Luna felt something warm on her side, and barely withheld a whimper. She remembered the terror of the curse, the pain of being forced to write the bloody lines on that parchment, the sheer smugness that horrible creature had in making her torture herself for the Toad's amusement.

The last thing she remembered was the vengeful aura of something so dark it was hard to believe the soul inside was pure light.

Someone ran their fingers through Luna's hair and rubbing a soothing hand down her back. The voice of the one doing it was singing softly, letting her know everything was alright.

Beside her was the now familiar smell of hell hound fur.

Luna finally opened her eyes to find Helen at her side, with a hell hound behind her. She couldn't see any wounds and all the pain in her hand was gone.

She tried to speak, but the soundless screams when she was forced to write with that awful quill had hurt her throat.

"Shh... It's okay Lu-chan. The Toad has been dealt with and won't be coming back. I won't let anyone get away with harming one of my precious, precious friends," said Helen, her eyes showing how serious she was being. Luna whimpered, before she started crying while holding Helen.

No one had ever stood up for her before. She never thought someone would actually bother to save her from that horror.

No one had ever stopped her tormentors before. Not even Ginny, who acted as though she understood, but never did.

Helen crooned to her friend in a language only she knew, rubbing her back and sending out soothing waves of magic. She let Luna get it all out.

* * *

><p>"Students, I regret to inform you Madam Umbridge has suffered a terrible accident, and will not be..." started Dumbledore.<p>

He was cut off by a tremendous cheer from the students, who immediately started thanking Helen. Some discreetly asked if she could heal their scars, as the most Hannah and Susan had been able to find were the other Puffs.

Snape turned to Dumbledore, damnation in his eyes.

"I told you, I told you and not one of you bothered to listen. You dismissed my claims and we had to rely on a demon-raised witch to deal with it."

Out of all the teachers, only Snape had figured out the Toad was using blood quills. He had done what he could for those he heard were targeted, which was more than could be said for the other teachers.

Helen knew Snape had given 'detentions' to those he found had been hit by the Toad. In reality he gave as much healing aid as he could while allowing them to do their homework while the potions did their work. It was why out of all of them, he was the only one she genuinely respected at all.

"Now Severus..." started Dumbledore.

"No, you listen to me _Albus_. I will not let you bring in another inept teacher who might target _my_ snakes again. The only reason I didn't kill that bitch is because of the mark on my shoulder and the fact Helen beat me to it," snarled Snape.

The other heads of house looked ashamed. Out of all of them, only Severus had been willing to anything to protect their students.

The next day the headlines read:

_**Hogwarts standards slipping! Teacher caught torturing students; DADA Professor Delores Umbridge killed while resisting arrest!**_

**In a shocking turn of events this week, Delores Umbridge, Under-Secretary in the Ministry and this year's sacrifice to the DADA post, was caught red handed torturing students under the disguise of 'detentions'.**

**Under-Secretary Umbridge had a class six restricted artifact normally only used by goblins or other _licensed_ wizards and witches for important documents called blood quills inside her possession. According to the students, her preferred form of 'detention' was to force children to write lines using these quills.**

**A little known fact about blood quills is that extended use can lead to permanent scarring, as the quill is laced with a semi-legal dark curse to allow the blood to be gathered from the user.**

**Fortunately for the student body, the American transfer student, Helen Crowley, knew the counter curse from her father and applied it to the students. They are expected to fully recover from the trauma of using these restricted artifacts.**

**Further investigation from inside Hogwarts revealed that Umbridge was particularly fond of targeting muggleborns, half-bloods and anyone who dared disagree with the soon-to-be-former Minister Cornelius Fudge. One must really wonder if she was in fact a secret supporter of Tom Riddle, the so called Dark Lord V***.**

**One must really question Dumbledore's hiring practices, if he was willing to allow someone as mentally unbalanced as Delores Umbridge to teach our precious children...or allow such horrible quills into the school.**

_For more on Delores Umbridge, page three_

_For more on Dumbledore's questionable hiring practices, page five_

_**By Rita Skeeter**_

* * *

><p>If the public outcry from learning the 'Boy-Who-Lived' was a fake had been loud, learning Dumbledore had allowed a teacher to torture the students without even once trying to stop it was even worse.<p>

About the only one _not_ under fire from that fiasco was Snape, who the students openly admitted had done his best to heal the damage or try to spare the students from being forced to use the quill by assigning detentions of his own and having them spend the time cleaning the dungeons or doing homework.

Dumbledore was forced to find a new teacher, but after the hell he was being put under for being made to hire Umbridge, it was unlikely he was going to devote much time to that.

Which was why Helen stepped in and asked Narcissa if she would like to piss off the old man and her former son even further.

Narcissa seemed pleased by the prospect, even if it meant she couldn't spend more time with her new beau... Helen's father.

It was a match made in the pit. He was rich enough and vindictive enough to suit Narcissa, and he could care less who she was as long as Helen liked her. If she wanted to be the kept witch of a known demon, who was he to say no?

* * *

><p>"Everyone, my name is Professor Black. Now, before we start class I would like to assure you all that when I do assign detentions I won't force you to use a blood quill or anything similar. However if you piss me off enough I will come up with the most humiliating thing I can think of like forcing you to clean the great hall while wearing a rival house's colors or possibly a full on french maid outfit."<p>

Helen grinned. She raised her hand to voice the opinion of pretty much anyone who was in the class.

"So physical scarring and torture is now off the table, but mental scarring and blackmail isn't?"

"Exactly. Ten points to Ravenclaw," Narcissa beamed at her. "Now as any _real_ Auror will tell you, the only time it's cheating is when you're not the one doing it. Which is why I'm going to make damn sure you lot are prepared for more than just the OWLs, but the real world."

That had them sitting up with anticipation. Finally, someone who wasn't going to sugar coat the truth!

Susan in particular was nodding in agreement, because her aunt had said something similar more than once.

It was only cheating if you weren't the one doing the damage.

Helen chuckled.

"Like there's a difference between brutality and _police_ brutality?" she shot back.

Susan snickered at that. Another one of her aunt's favorites. Anyone stupid enough to anger her aunt Amelia usually ended up with a large healer's bill by the time they were thrown in a cell.

Narcissa smirked.

Narcissa Black was a major hit with the students. She did more than just assign boring homework, she was teaching them how to fight dirty.

But one of the biggest things to happen was the attitude towards Helen.

Originally the boys were in lust over her and the girls (outside of those who batted for the same team) hated her. Now they showed a quiet respect towards her. They still hated her, but they were less likely to try and hex her from behind.

Luna, however, was by her side as often as possible. While Helen had saved her from the Toad, she had also proven she was willing to kill in order to protect the girl. Something no one else had done before.

With that she had earned the quiet, if odd, girl's loyalty. For life.

* * *

><p>"Hard to believe Christmas is right around the corner," said Helen.<p>

It had been a month since the incident, and during that time the students had learned more from "Professor Black" that most had in all seven years.

Those who had exams coming up _loved_ her, because she at least gave them a break and just assigned reading instead of homework. If they couldn't learn how to cast the spells in class, then they weren't prepared for their exams.

And, as she had threatened, those that annoyed her (namely Draco and anyone who still loyally followed him) were put through humiliating detentions.

If they though Filch or Snape was bad when in a mood, it was nothing compared to a vengeful Narcissa Black.

"What exactly did you do to the Toad?" asked Blake.

"A lower-level version of Alucard's final release," said Helen.

"I was wondering why you took so long that they managed to call the Aurors in."

Helen's eyes went cold.

"She took something that is mine. I wasn't about to let that filthy human get away with it without having a bit of fun first."

Blake snorted. Helen's definition of fun when her territory was threatened usually meant someone got disemboweled, among other things. You don't piss off a girl trained by Alistair who could live in the pit year round and eviscerate with the most vicious demons unless you had serious back up, or had a freaking death wish.

"So is the rumor true that the new DADA teacher is dating your dad?"

Helen smirked.

"He's rich enough and vindictive enough to suit her tastes, and I like her which is enough for him. She's already doomed to the pit because of the man she married and the things she participated in, but at least this way she gets a head start on becoming a demon once she bites it."

Either in the pit or working for Crowley, one way or another Narcissa was going to be a demon. It was just a matter of when she bit the dust. The only reason _Helen_ wasn't a demon yet, despite having the right mindset for it, was because of the Grace her father had put into her magical core. She couldn't be a demon with that in her.

A Fallen, yes, but not a demon.

It had come as a nasty surprise when they found that particular tidbit out, but Helen took solace in the fact she could still vacation in hell and get away with it without setting Death on her ass.

"So what are you going to do once those two idiots are claimed finally?" asked Blake.

"Vacation. One of my subordinates asked me if I could retrieve someone for him, since he heard she died painfully by the Ministry, and she was interesting enough that he wants her to live, if only to see how far she could go without having to worry about these stupid humans," said Helen.

Alucard had always been more than a little irritated his only fledgling (since being tied to the Hellsing Organization) had been killed. At least she had taken down a good majority of the Aurors and Hit Wizards sent to kill her. She had died protecting Integra, which was another sore point for him.

It wasn't that he cared for the people who served under her, it was more along the lines of he was pissed that the Ministry thought it was a smart idea to kill someone he deemed worthy of calling his 'Master'.

"I still find it odd that a Master Vampire like him let a human order him around like a dog."

"To quote Alucard, being immortal gets boring and it was at least _interesting_ to watch how humans reacted to threats. Besides, she put up with his bullshit."

Helen fully planned to use Lucifer's power to drop in when Alucard was still part of Hellsing...and alive, in a manner of speaking. Partly to see if Seras was worth saving, but also because Alucard mentioned a Nazi werewolf (and she had to check to see if she heard _that_ right, because the words Nazi and werewolf simply didn't mesh considering how the English treated them) who had the ability to be anywhere and everywhere.

Helen was a sucker for dogs.

Blake, who had been drinking his water, choked.

"Oh no. No, no, no. Please for the love of Lucifer tell me you're not going to time travel just to screw with history!"

"Puh-lease, like anyone in the past outside of Alucard could give me a decent work out. Besides, I plan to summon Dad and Uncle Alistair and confuse the heaven out of them," grinned Helen.

Demons could not time travel. Angels could. As such it was highly unlikely they would know her and would have the most_ hilarious_ expressions when they found out she not only knew them, but called them family. Alistair in particular would be funny.

"Oh that should be hysterical. You're going to erase their memories of it after right?" grinned Blake.

"And bring them back when I visit again," agreed Helen, still grinning evilly.

There were very few things that were considered 'too far' for a good prank.

Time travel, memory modification, and summoning two very dangerous demons were not too far in Helen's opinion. Summoning an angel, yes, but not two demons she knew very well.


	17. Chapter 17

"So...let me get this straight. Dumbledore wants _you_ to teach Occulmency, which usually requires you to use Legilmency to test defenses. Despite the fact no one likes you or trusts you, which makes it harder," said Helen slowly.

Snape nodded.

"Right, he's gone from stupid to outright senile. Anyone who's ever learned the art of Occulmency knows you have to _trust_ the teacher, not to mention the fact you can barely tolerate teaching potions, let alone something as time consuming as Occulmency. Children can barely handle sitting still for more than an hour to meditate...I can only imagine how mind-numbing building shields from scratch would be," said Helen in commiseration.

"You practice Occulmency?"

"I meditate occasionally, but I've never seen the need for it. Usually a peak in my memories is enough to dissuade all but the most hardened demons, and the only one who would dare try is Alistair. Ironically enough I just have to bring forth the memories of how babies were made by Succubi to keep him out," said Helen chuckling evilly.

Snape visualized that, then shuddered. He did not want to know, and if he had his way he wouldn't _need_ to find out.

"So why did he come up with such an idiotic scheme? I mean the teachers here can barely teach their own subjects, let alone something as delicate as Occulmency," said Helen.

"I don't know, and frankly I think he got a bad batch of candy."

Helen had an sudden, evil, absolutely cruel idea.

"I have an excellent way to find out."

And it would let her get on the good side of a certain angel hiding as a pagan, not to mention amuse the Marauders.

* * *

><p>Gabriel, the pagan arch angel, stared at her.<p>

"You want me to _what?_"

"I want you to find Dumbledore's stash and steal every last piece. I figured if anyone could find it and get away with it, it would be the legendary sugar-nut Loki," she repeated.

Gabriel mock-thought. On one hand, this was a magical with the legendary stick made from Death's supposedly legendary scythe. On the other, it was a prank of epic proportions and it involved increasing his own stash of candy.

Ah, hell, who was he kidding? He was in the moment she mentioned what she wanted him to do.

Gabriel's grin was contagious.

"I want pictures of his reaction," said Gabriel.

"Deal. Think the Marauders will get a kick out of this?"

"I know they will!"

* * *

><p>Dumbledore was absolutely <em>livid<em> the week after. He damn near called the Aurors in to find out who did it. The only reason they didn't show up was one, it was candy. He could just buy more at Honeydukes. And two, it was an 'internal' matter, which was something Dumbledore normally would keep in house.

Snape about died laughing in his office when she told him what she did. Sirius and Remus didn't have such composure. They did laugh themselves sick.

However it was when Dumbledore was forced to restock his candy supply that something dramatic happened.

His behavior became erratic, even for someone as bizarre as the illustrious headmaster.

Helen was curious as to the cause. So she called Gabriel back to find out if he had any idea what was going on, thinking maybe he had joined in on pranking the old man.

"His behavior? The lemon drops were laced with something. Had to throw them out because they had some sort of weird potion added to them," said Gabriel.

Helen eyed the headmaster from her view point. Suddenly his behavior was making more sense. He was clearly going through what could only be _withdrawal_ symptoms.

"Any idea what potion?"

"From what I could tell it was some form of modified Liquid Luck. Which is odd considering that anyone stupid to take for more than a few doses a month tends to develop some weird symptoms."

Helen remembered reading something about that. It was proven when a muggleborn wizard had a test subject who ingested too much of the Liquid Luck potion over a period of a year (and consequently died by car accident) that the potion itself was highly damaging. The brain scan they had done showed something off about it, so they cut his head open and found that the potion, for some bizarre reason, seemed to turn the brain into Swiss cheese.

Investigating the potion itself also revealed another fact not previously known.

It was a very strong narcotic with enough proof to rival some of the strongest alcohol legally available. Almost like a laced moonshine that wasn't diluted enough.

Studies showed that those who ingested it had a strange euphoria like effect that appeared to produce a sort of aura that increased the luck of anyone who took it. Hence the name, Liquid Luck.

Science and magical studies, however, had a different explanation. The potion itself produced the euphoria, disorienting the user so that it seemed they were in a fog. The rest was accidental magic combined with the direction of what the user needed to happen. Those that took the potion were put in a trace, and their mind would direct the accidental magic that would force the world around them to produce whatever it was they needed to accomplish.

Helen found it quite fascinating. Well that and the fact her father usually walked in whenever her cauldron was about to explode...almost like he had a sixth sense for it.

"That...explains so much actually," she admitted.

No wonder Dumbledore was an idiot. If he had been taking even a modified version of Liquid Luck for a long period of time, it was a miracle he was even still functioning. And why he kept hiring such piss-poor teachers.

"So what are you going to do?"

"Outside of giving you the job of playing keep away with the candy until his withdrawal fully sets in and he gets weak enough that I can snatch that stupid stick?" she said rhetorically.

"Ugh. I am not eating potioned candies...that's just wrong."

"I never said you had to eat them. I just said he doesn't get to. Give them to some random Death Eater or demon for all I care," she said flatly, eying Dumbledore.

Gabriel grinned.

"So I get to mix and match potions and watch the idiots react to them?" he asked.

"Go for it. Hell, I have a good contact who can supply the best Indian-grown narcotics this side of the pond," said Helen smirking.

"Fun. Haven't had any of that since I accidentally pissed Coyote off and he refused to trade me anymore," said Gabriel.

Well that and he died off, which ruined any chances of finding another Trickster who could supply him with the stuff. As Loki he had pissed off practically _everyone_, so getting anyone to trade with him was pretty hard.

"So we have a deal? I supply you with peyote and other stuff not legally available and you play keep away with the tainted candy?" she asked.

"Hell yes!" said Gabriel. Once he got over the shock of Helen Crowley, she wasn't as bad as he feared.

A bit dark in personality (but strangely not in soul), and highly amoral in human terms, but once you got on her good side she was great fun to be around. Plus she already knew who he actually was and didn't give a damn, which was a major bonus.

Dumbledore's behavior was so erratic that Madam Pomphrey was planning to drag him into the hospital wing to find out why. So the night before, Helen left the Ravenclaw dorms to find the Headmaster...and promptly nicked his wand. She replaced it with a fake that would pass cursory inspection, but not any real interest.

Primarily because it was just a plain stick that couldn't cast magic.

Now all she needed was that stupid cloak to complete the set, and that would require telling the world her birth name. Because she was still under contract, she couldn't exactly hand over the items to Death without him pitching a monumental bitch fit because she technically worked for demons.

* * *

><p>"Ugh. I hate these stupid tests. If not for the fact I'm technically getting paid to be here, I wouldn't have even bothered," said Helen, eying her 'wand' with distaste.<p>

Helen didn't _own_ a wand. She owned the cast offs of natural witches that had been stupid enough to make deals. Because of that, her core was more flexible than any other witch in Europe.

She didn't need one. She only brought the dumb things to keep the European morons off her tail.

"What do you mean you're being _paid_ to come here?"

"One, there's an idiot in Europe who made a deal and did something monumentally stupid to try and get out of it. He's been giving us the slip for years, so my dad turned me into his own personal collector since I can get past demon-wards. Two, I have an account here, well more of a family account, and Ministry law states I have to attend a school within the borders of whichever Ministry the main account falls in for at least a full year and pass one major test to claim it legally. Which is ridiculous, because the goblins never gave a damn so long as I have the right bloodline to claim it."

One particularly dense Slytherin asked "You can get out of a demon deal?"

"It's less that he got _out _of it and more along the lines of he was desperate enough to split his soul into fragments to avoid the hell hounds. Do it enough times and it will confuse the scent. Problem is, splitting the soul automatically gets you on the short list for the goblin's version of the Hunters, not to mention has the Ministry on your ass. There's also the fact that doing that sort of thing really, really pisses off Lilith, which means the second they catch you and drag your soul down, they're more likely to give you extra special attention in the pit until you're just barely on the verge of becoming just another demon, then they'll throw your ass into purgatory near where the leviathans are so you don't have a chance in heaven of ever getting back out."

Seeing she had everyone's attention, Helen fell into lecture mode...once she was high enough for everyone to see her. She conjured up a blackboard and some chalk.

"Okay, here's where we're at. This is heaven and this is hell. With me so far? Good. Now, normally when you die there are one of two places you go. Heaven, if your soul is clean enough for the angels to accept you and yes they are very much real and bigger dicks than that asshole Malfoy about pure blood superiority, or hell, if you've fallen far enough from the usual track and used one too many 'dark' curses. For future reference, it's not that we care about good or evil, but it's more along the lines of that the magic itself leaves a sort of stain on your soul."

One shy Gryffindor raised their hand. Neville, if she remembered right.

"Are you saying our magic leaves 'stains' on our souls?"

"Well more or less..." said Helen, before she used her spare wand to draw a square. "Pretend this is your soul. Now, when you're just starting out, the slate is clean. But as you get older, certain grooves are etched into the slate."

She had three different lights. The square was see through, so you could tell the difference between white, gray and black.

"The white represents good deeds. Kindness, generosity, healing, that sort of thing. Gray is neutral deeds. White lies, cheating on your taxes, small crimes like pick-pocketing or cheating on your girlfriend. Black is immoral acts. Killing, rape, molestation, torture...you get the idea. Now as you get older, those deeds add up. Your soul starts to develop 'grooves' so to speak, like you've cast a spell so often that you can do it non-verbally or without a wand. Like the summoning charm for example, or disarming someone. When you die, your soul gets tallied up by the reapers, who are completely neutral. Before you ask, they don't care who you are or what you were in life. Their only job is to insure souls get sent on properly, because Death is rather picky about that sort of thing."

Granger raised her hand this time.

"You talk about Death like it's a person."

"He is. Pale, looks like he should be directing funerals and has an extremely dry wit. But he's real. Currently stuck in the pit because of some idiotic idea the angels had to keep Lucifer trapped in a cage, but he's real."

"What do you mean trapped in a cage?!" said Hermione in shock.

Helen rolled her eyes.

"I'm sure you've all heard the story of how Lucifer and Micheal the arch angels fought and Micheal won. What you don't know is that when God introduced humanity and told his 'children' to love and guide them, Lucifer didn't agree with it. He didn't like the fact humans could get away with not believing or loving god, so he argued against it. Micheal, who is a total daddy's boy and good little soldier, argued with Lucifer about how it was their Father's orders and that he had better suck it up. The two got into a major argument about it, and eventually it got so bad it broke out into a civil war in heaven. Micheal won, threw Lucifer into what was later called hell inside a specially made cage, and used the four horsemen as the power source to keep him in there. They can't leave until the locks are broken, and Lucifer is trapped there because of a family argument that got way out of hand. It was so bad that they quite literally drove the youngest arch angel Gabriel out because he couldn't stand the thought of being forced to chose between them."

"You're telling us the Apocalypse is..." said Hermione incredulous.

"The result of the fact that angels are supposedly 'perfect' beings and God didn't think to tell them it was alright for them to disagree with him. In fact if you met an angel now you would likely think you were dealing with a freaking Malfoy, because they are self-righteous pricks, and believe me, I should know. I've meet one, and I nearly ripped his wing off because he was a total asshole," said Helen flatly. "Anyway I got off topic."

Helen went back to the board.

"This...is purgatory. Before God made the angels, he made what were called Leviathans. These were monstrous creatures that could only think of eating. In other words, creatures very much like Ron Weasley," said Helen, ignoring the indignant shout from said red head. "When he realized his error, God threw them into a pocket dimension from which they couldn't escape. He then created the seven arch angels and gave them the power to kill said monsters in the event they got out. Now, hell hadn't been created at this point, but creatures like werewolves, vampires and ghouls came into being. Heaven wasn't going to take those that deliberately killed or harmed the humans, and there wasn't any chance the reapers were going to let them escape death, so they started throwing souls into purgatory to be eaten. When Lucifer was thrown out, he wasn't interested in taking their souls, so they were forced to make a side area in purgatory for them. Eventually the system managed to find a balance, so now hell only takes the most corrupt, any creatures who go on a rampage or cause too much trouble end up in purgatory and risk the chance of being eaten, and those that manage to keep their nose clean get to go to heaven."

Helen then looked at them all seriously.

"Anyone stupid enough to make a demon deal and then split their soul into pieces to get out of it is guaranteed to end up in hell anyway. There you'll be given more attention from the worst and most sadistic demons, including Alistair who specializes in that sort of thing, spend so long on the racks that you'll forget you were anywhere else, and then when you're soul becomes saturated enough to start the conversion process, you'll be thrown into purgatory where it gets eaten and then destroyed from existence. Consider this the only friendly warning you'll ever get. Don't fuck with a demon and never, ever try to cheat him out of his due. You won't like the creative punishments we'll come up with to repay you for wasting our time," said Helen.

Seeing the look on her face, anyone with any sense took her warning to heart.

Loki, who had come to steal Dumbledore's candy, was listening nearby. He was surprised Helen had gone into such an in-depth explanation.

Then again, telling them this now might lessen the number of idiots she would have to round up later, so maybe it wasn't that surprising.


	18. Chapter 18

**Okay, I'm going to cut off a few questions about the timeline here.**

**Events of Hellsing: set roughly around the end of 1999, if the series is to be believed**

**Helen is NOT going to be under twenty when she meets the Winchesters properly for the first time. Because of how long she spent in the Pit and the fact she learned the same trick to reversing the years from Patrick (SUPERNATURAL canon witch) she is going to be closer to 21-22, even if mentally she is much older. Because she spends a few years in the past (at least until her original birth date comes up), she will age.**

**Also, in this chapter I deal with the Durselys once and for all. There is a warning before it begins if you're not into reading that level of horror.**

* * *

><p>Nervous Neville, as Helen privately called him, approached her in the library shortly before the year was about to end.<p>

"Yes, Longbottom?"

"I was wondering...do demons have a way of healing people?"

Helen blinked.

"This is about your parents, isn't it?" she asked, figuring out what he wanted and why. Neville nodded.

Helen thought of several ways to use this to her advantage, and dismissed most of them. Finally she settled on something she could use to keep him occupied in case this didn't work out.

"Did you know Susan Bones and Hannah Abbot have a crush on you, and aren't adverse to sharing?" she said evenly.

Neville blinked.

"Um...no?"

"Ask them out together sometime and one-up Ron Weasley. I'll consider the idea of healing your parents and what you can do to repay me after," she said. Neville took the polite dismissal rather well...and the hint that if he wanted to get on her good side enough to heal his parents that he should ask the two girls out and really annoy Ron. Considering he was barely tolerable on a good day, he didn't mind the idea one bit.

Both Hufflepuffs were quick to thank her for sending Neville their way and giving him the courage to ask both out at once. It saved time and meant they got to share their new boyfriend.

Gabriel, on the other hand, was not so easy to dismiss. And frankly, once assured he wasn't going to try and change or take her away from her makeshift family, the two got along so well it was scary.

There was even once that Helen slipped and called him big-brother Gabriel, and outside of the fact he stopped for a second because she caught him off guard, he said nothing of it.

Besides, he already considered her a little sister...a bitchy, vindictive, highly immoral baby sister, but still a sister. Or at least a female version of Lucifer, which was weird enough in itself. The fact his 'brother' could speak through her without any trouble at all did not help this image.

Right before school let out (Dumbledore was confined to the Hospital Wing until Pomphrey could figure out what the hell was wrong with him) Helen decided to throw Rita a bone, and really damage what was left of his once untouchable reputation by telling her about the fact Dumbledore made a deal that had become overdue...and that the reason for his behavior was that he was suffering the after-effects of overdosing on Liquid Luck for all these years, and was dealing with the withdrawal symptoms.

Rita was only too happy to sell the story to every newspaper she could get in touch with. Soon everyone would know that Dumbledore was a complete and utter fraud.

* * *

><p><em><strong>Albus Dumbledore: Hero of Light, or Europe's greatest spin-artist?<strong>_

**I'm sure we've all heard how Dumbledore faced the Dark Lord Grindlewald and defeated him, ending his reign of terror and cutting off the magical aid during World War II. How his reputation and political influence mysteriously skyrocketed until he was all but untouchable until recently.**

**But how _did_ Dumbledore find the power to defeat his former lover, when Grindlewald was stronger than him every other time they fought? Did he have some untapped power? Or did he do something even the darkest wizards would balk at?**

**A new inside source reveals that Albus Dumbledore, a man we all believed to be a paragon of light and one of the greatest wizards since Merlin...is in fact a liar. Shortly before his final battle with Grindlewald, Dumbledore went to a crossroads and made a deal with a relatively low-level demon in order to gain enough energy to magically overpower his lover and end the conflict. He was given ten years (the recognized minimum amount of time given to most deals made with hell) and he defeated Grindlewald.**

**Now I'm sure you're wondering...if he made a deal, then how did he escape the hell hounds which are sent whenever someone makes a contract with hell and can't find a way out?**

**The Mage Rider, which is a recent addition to hell's already impressive ranks, spoke out about how she was created solely to collect on overdue souls when the demons couldn't get to them.**

**According to Hell's newest personal bounty hunter, Dumbledore used one of the darkest of magics, creating what is known as a 'Horcrux', or phylactery (see soul shards) and managed to slip out of hell's nets.**

**Another factor which has been unexplainable until recently when a prank revealed something no one had realized until now, was that Dumbledore was taking large doses of Liquid Luck in his infamous lemon drop candies.**

**Liquid Luck is a very rare, extremely _expensive_ potion that is so difficult to brew that it's almost impossible to find. When taken, this potion increases the luck of the one who ingested it to the point that the world seems to bend to the user's will.**

**However a recent study by an American potioneer reveals that taking more than a dose or two a month has severe side-effects.**

**Dumbledore's influence on our world seems to be a combination of a rare potion, lies and the darkest of magics. **

**One must wonder if we shouldn't call for all of our highest ranking Ministry workers to undergo a magical quarantine to assure ourselves that they didn't obtain their power through similar means.**

_For more on the relationship between Grindlewald and Dumbledore, see page two_

_For more on Horcruxes (soul fragments) see page three_

_For a copy of the study on Liquid Luck, see page five through six_

**Rita Skeeter**

Shortly after the article came out, and people were clamoring for Dumbledore's head, the Ministry experienced an attack by hell hounds. Most of those in the building had enough sense to get the hell out of their way. Those that didn't died quickly enough anyway.

By the time they left, the cell containing the former Headmaster was coating in blood, guts and body parts. It was pretty clear that hell had finally claimed his soul.

As a consequence of his death, the remaining Order members who had so staunchly sided with him reluctantly disbanded. Some, like Arthur Weasley, decided to rejoin the others to help keep deaths to a minimum.

Just because he had agreed more with Dumbledore than with Helen didn't mean he was as pacifistic as the headmaster was. He was ready to do his part again, even if his wife disagreed with him.

Another addition to the Order (though he was only there to lighten the mood and to keep Helen from killing idiots indiscriminately) was Loki.

He openly admitted to being the reason why Dumbledore was acting off before his death, as he had been the person to steal the man's candy stash.

Sirius and Remus, while thinking the prank had been in the spirit of good fun, were rather sombre about it because it eventually lead to Dumbledore's death. Not that it would have mattered anyway, because the healers realized there was little point keeping a man doomed for the pit soon alive anyway. He was teetering on the edge of organ failure, and the hell hounds just accelerated it.

* * *

><p>Crowley was beyond pleased. He was ecstatic. For years he had to deal with Mephistopheles bitching about stealing his idea.<p>

And now Helen had single-handedly outclassed his precious Riders from the first trial run, whereas Mephistopheles had to deal with control issues and loyalty problems, Crowley's Rider had not only managed to successfully take out one of the older outstanding contracts, but she was well on her way to tracking down a second one.

Without experiencing any control problems whatsoever.

And as a side effect of being her handler, his power in hell had shot up exponentially. If she caught Riddle and dragged him to hell to face the consequences, he might even rise to arch duke. Yes, it remained contingent on her loyalty to him, but at this point it was such a remote possibility he could ignore it.

Helen adored her father and was so loyal to him that the idea she would turn on him was nearly impossible. Not even angels could turn her against him, and they had tried before.

So yes, he was rather pleased at how well his experiment was going. And all it had taken was raising an abused little girl as his own child. Showing her basic love and attention while keeping her away from other influences like schools and religion.

Helen knew it wasn't normal, the way she was raised, but compared to what she had lived through before, she was fine with it.

* * *

><p><em><strong>Warning: If you're not a fan of horror or have little taste for the darker genres (think <strong>_**Silent Hill, Elfin Lied ****_or_ The Hills Have Eyes_) then you should skip the rest of the chapter and go straight to the next one. This contains scenes of gruesome torture and is part of the reason why this story is rated "Mature". I got quite a bit of inspiration by watching the _Hellsing Ultimate _anime, so that should give you some perspective to the level of carnage, if you've at least seen the last three or four episodes._**

Helen had some unfinished business in Surrey the day before she would look at the Longbottoms to see if they could be healed.

The Dursleys had tried to move a few times, but even after learning the 'Girl-Who-Lived' no longer _lived_ with her aunt, Dumbledore kept them in Little Whinging. Several others had been stuck with the same problem, as Petunia had tried to lie about her current residence in order to leave the area. More than once in fact.

Which meant that a good chunk of those in Surrey were people stupid or greedy enough to make a deal. A majority of them made a decade ago.

If the hell hounds ripped through them a little early, it wasn't any skin off her back. They were screwed anyway.

Helen made sure Petunia got a good, long look at her face. Then she watched with absolute glee and vindication as her beloved hell hounds ripped Petunia Dursely nee Evans' face off.

Her screams alerted the neighbors that something was very, very wrong.

Helen's hounds ripped through the house, chasing the fat walrus and his beyond obese son. She wanted to enjoy this moment.

Time had not been kind to Dudley. Where there had once been an overweight child with issues with restraint was now a creature more fat than muscle. It was a miracle he was even able to get up off the couch with all that on him. Helen could see that the piece of furniture was permanently broken from having to sustain all that weight, to the point it was almost sunken into the floor.

If Dudley was grotesque, Vernon was not much better. His skin was sallow, his hair barely clean, and his eyes sunken in. like Dudley, his bulk had increased exponentially to the point his preferred chair was sunken into the floor.

For some bizarre reason, the only one not morbidly overweight was Petunia. Who was currently still screaming from the fact she no longer had a face.

"My, my, someone's in a foul mood," said a voice behind her.

Helen didn't need to turn around to know who it was.

"So dad let you out of the pit without me having to summon you?"

"More along the lines of I agreed to rip apart a few of those idiots who call themselves Death Eaters in exchange for some freedom. So what did they do to deserve your special treatment?" asked Alucard. In his right hand was a glass of very expensive wine.

"They're my relatives. Or the young fat one and the screamer are," she said blandly.

Alucard chuckled darkly.

"So tell me, my Dark Princess, exactly what did your own flesh and blood do to deserve this?" he asked. He had the feeling this would be entertaining.

"The older fat on and the screamer made a deal. She basically handed me to my father ten years ago. It's not my fault if she was too stupid and greedy to read the terms," said Helen sweetly, spinning around on her heel to face the Master vampire.

Alucard chuckled.

"And your father said you were allowed to come and watch the place burn, right?"

Helen nodded, her emerald eyes dancing with an inner unholy flame. She pointed to a small boot cupboard under the stairs. It opened without a touch, revealing a scene that would have the most level headed human turn homicidal.

Alucard shook his head. The depths some humans went into their darkness was astounding. The two older humans were doomed by their deal...but the younger one was doomed by his own actions.

"Have you come to watch me unleash my own version of hell on them?" she asked giggling.

Alucard's fanged grin did show he was eager to see her take on his final release.

Helen smiled, a beautiful sight that did not match the surroundings around her. Her eyes filled with a controlled madness few humans could hope to match, let alone withstand.

If Dumbledore saw her now, he would call her the Darkest witch currently alive. Even Voldemort, as twisted and insane as he was now, would hesitate to go up against her.

_**The Daughter of Dante is my name...**_

_**Shredding my past to bolster the flames...**_

_**Light shielded by Darkness, I answer to none...**_

_**Blood to blood, this world shall become undone...**_

With each part of the aria, the world around Little Whinging grew darker. The air became more dense, as if there was something terrible about to be unleashed. You could smell the coppery tinge of blood in the air, as if a great many dead had been torn apart violently. The sound of hell was just barely audible in the background to those who weren't deserving of it's fury, but to those who had made a deal or were doomed to the pit anyway, it was so close that they could hear it right next to them.

Alucard was rather approving. While Helen was only unleashing the bare minimum of one of her most devastating abilities from being the daughter and niece of high-ranking demons, it was more than enough for what was about to happen. It was almost as horrifying as his own aria, but unlike him she didn't need to drink the blood of her enemies to unleash the full effect.

Alucard joined Helen in her little spot to watch the show. Houses were broken into, people torn bloodily apart by the hell hounds that answered to her father, the very neighborhood looked like something out of a hellish war zone.

The only ones spared were the 'innocents' in the area. Those that lay huddled in their basements that tried to ignore the carnage that was outside their doors.

"Wine?" he asked, as the flames spread from house to house.

"Why thank you. Such a gentleman," said Helen smiling.

Behind them were the Dursley family, crucified upside down still screaming. Their flesh was burning. Burning in a never-ending torment.

Once the neighborhood was cleaned out, they would be dead...though Helen had something special planned for Dudley.

Because he wasn't part of the deal and made none himself, she couldn't technically drag him to hell with his parents though the hounds. No matter _how_ dark his soul was.

But that only ruled out hell hounds.

There was an ability that Helen had never bothered to try out, because most of the time she never had reason to.

The Penitence Stare. One of the Rider's most devastating attacks on the wicked, it put a soul through judgment and forced them to relieve every sin and crime their victims felt. The reason it wasn't used very often was because of the control issues, the Rider had a bad habit of going after even minor offenders. The angel that was forced to power it would try and go after the wicked, some of whom were only petty criminals just trying to survive.

Helen never had that problem. Primarily because of the fact her powers came from her magical core, which accepted them and gave her complete control from the start. But also because the angel who powered her happened to _like_ Helen and wasn't insane like the one Mephistopheles used.

Slowly the screams died out.

Helen walked to where Dudley hung, perfectly at eye level and blue flames erupted from her.

Dudley's squinted eyes stared at her in pure fear.

Helen knew the Rider's usual sentence whenever they found one they were going to use the stare on. But frankly she thought it sounded ridiculous. Which was why she was going to quote _Hell Girl_ instead.

"_Oh pitiful shadow lost in the darkness. Bringing pain and torment to others. Oh damned soul wallowing in sin... Perhaps, it is time to die?"_

Dudley saw every cruel and terrible thing he had ever done in his sixteen years of life.

His body began to twitch, but was held firm by the rusted and serrated nails holding him up. By the time the Stare ended, his body was little more than an empty husk, his soul judged and destroyed by the Rider's power.

"Very impressive indeed," said Alucard approvingly.

Helen turned to face him.

"To think, that was the first time I've had a chance to use it," she said smiling, the flames gone the moment she killed Dudley.

Alucard's fanged smile remained, even after they left to let the cops clean up what was left of Little Whinging. Truly, he had chosen a fine new 'master' to serve. She was far more insane and dark than Integra had been, but that was acceptable. He didn't bother to hold back his dark laughter as she began to sing to the flames around them.

"_Let 'em burn, _

_Let 'em burn, _

_They're no longer my concern_

_Let 'em burn_

_Let 'em burn_

_Time to show the world my turn_

_I won't care how they're going to scream_

_Let the fire rage on_

_The flames never seem to bother me."_

(Part of the _"Let It Go"_ parody, called "Let 'Em Burn" on Youtube.)


	19. Chapter 19

"So did you have fun?" asked her father when she appeared in the house.

"The very best! Thank you daddy for letting me be the one to burn the place down!" said Helen, hugging him tightly.

"And I take it Alucard behaved?" he asked.

"He didn't touch a drop. To be fair, I doubt there was anyone there worth eating," said Helen.

Alucard had standards, after all.

Narcissa was staring at him in disbelief.

"I thought the Master vampire Alucard was killed shortly before Riddle came into power a few years after the massacre of London?"

"He was. His soul was so damned that the moment his body was killed he went right back to the pit. His soul is so dark he would never be sent to purgatory like almost every other vampire. Of course that also means he's free to leave if he find a suitable 'master' who can act as his anchor back to life."

"Really?" said Narcissa in interest.

"Unless an angel destroys his soul completely, he's considered just another demon. You have no idea how many lesser demons have tried to convince him to join their side, only to be slaughtered by him. He prefers human masters because they're so much more interesting, according to him."

"So if he's here now, who's the anchor?"

"I am. By the laws of hell, I can bind Alucard to me and my line through blood, the same way the Hunter Hellsing did centuries ago. He might have weakened Alucard, but he never properly destroyed the corpse. Integra was the one to bind him to her. And we all remember how _that_ turned out," said Helen.

Narcissa shivered. She may not have witnessed it herself, but the stories of those three days were still remembered. Such bloodshed, carnage and utter disregard for life... you can't forget something that horrifying...and that was before you heard about what happened when the Master vampire Alucard decided to toss the gauntlet down and unleash his full power.

"So how exactly did Helen earn his loyalty when demons couldn't?"

Alucard chuckled darkly from his spot in the chair, wine next to him.

"The demons were only interested in the power they would gain by getting me on their team. Helen, when she found me, asked for an autograph for the comics that detailed the incident in London and then asked if I could teach her how to make her own wide-area attack that would unleash hell on her enemies," said Alucard.

The sheer audacity of a twelve-year-old girl asking a Master vampire like Alucard how to unleash the sheer horror he had in London when Integra gave him the command... that alone proved to Alucard she was worthy of being his master, if only for the entertainment she was sure to bring. The fact she actually _succeeded_ in creating her own version of his last seal...well, that was actually the main reason he offered to be her first 'subordinate'.

It was the primary reason why, shortly after going into hell and staying there, Helen was considered a power of her own in the pit.

"Well my little Hellion, what do you want for such a good job claiming those souls?" asked Crowley.

Most people would balk at the sheer level of carnage and bloodshed Helen had left behind in Little Whinging.

The irony that the sheer level of brutality and destruction was one of their own making was not lost on Crowley. Children were often taught right from wrong before the age of six when they entered first grade and that hurting others wasn't allowed.

Helena Potter had never gotten that lesson. In fact, she had been raised so flippantly about how 'precious' life was and how hurting others was wrong that she learned the long before she ever went to school that the only unfair advantage was the one you didn't have.

Petunia and Vernon Dursley were bigger, older and stronger than her. They didn't care one whit whether she lived or died, in fact they would have been pleased to see her in a shallow grave if it wouldn't be brought back to them. Petunia held so little regard for her niece that she happily handed the girl over to a demon without caring about what it might do to her.

Dudley...he was a lost cause the moment Petunia decided to cater to his every whim. He might have been saved, if they had bothered to teach the spoiled bastard the word restraint and said "No" whenever he demanded anything. They actively encouraged him to harm her. And any attempts to end it resulted in only more pain for her.

So yes, the entire blame for why Helen had such little regard for human life could be laid entirely on their shoulders.

They brought their own destruction down upon them. And Helen made damn sure people knew why the neighborhood of Little Whinging would be spoken of in hushed whispers and eventually turned into a place of lost souls for centuries to come.

Payback was a bitch, and Helen had learned from the best.

"Oh, I'll let you know when I finally catch that pathetic bastard Riddle, Daddy," said Helen coyly.

"More like when you finally convince that brat to join your ranks you mean," said Alucard snorting.

He knew Helen found the Nazi called Schrodinger fascinating. She wanted to capture and convert him, or find one of his bloodline with a similar ability, because she found him amusing. Hellhounds were nice and all, even after turning them into humanoid familiars once she found the spell for it, but an animal with that ability would provide endless entertainment. Mainly because they could walk through certain wards.

Crowley's face looked rather interesting...Narcissa would have to say it was constipated.

"You do realize we have _wards_ against those kinds of powers, right?"

Helen snorted.

"Like I wouldn't be able to find a way to make my own pet immune to them. Besides, if it ever got out of hand I could always use...this."

Crowley actually cringed when he saw what she had in her hand.

"Oh no. No, no, no...not in here you bloody well not..." he started, but Helen's smile indicated for once she wouldn't do as told.

She blew on it. The results were instantaneous.

The hell hounds went into a berserk rage...and strangely enough Alucard flinched as if tasered, his gloved hands going to his ears. Helen stopped blowing the hell hound whistle (which was what crossroad demons used to set the mood for the hounds when a deal was up) to stare at him. She wasn't the only one.

"Really?"

"What in Lucifer's name is that damn thing?" he asked.

"Hell hound whistle. A dog whistle forged in hell and designed to set hell hounds into a feeding frenzy...or to call them back," said Crowley, annoyed at Helen.

"Huh. Who knew Alucard was on the same frequency?"

"Oh I've heard those blasted things before, but never up close. I never got a good look at what was making the racket in the pit, and frankly I had no desire to find out if it sounded that irritating from a distance," said Alucard, looking at the innocuous black metal thing in Helen's hand with active distaste.

Helen had an evil smirk on her face.

"Oh I am going to have so much fun with this later..." she said ominously. Alucard was in for a rough time when she reached the past.

* * *

><p>Helen sauntered into St. Mungo's.<p>

No one noticed her, or realized she was there. To be fair, it was four in the morning and the only ones there were a skeleton crew typical of most hospitals.

She went into the Permanent patients room where the Longbottoms lay sleeping.

She had agreed to look at them, and from what she knew of their condition and how they got that way, she had a decent idea of why they hadn't woken up.

They were mind locked. A condition caused by torture from an amateur, as Alistair would say. She'd give Bellatrix some credit for at least being consistent, but as she told Narcissa, the only way Bellatrix would come out of running into a master would be either death, or if she were extremely fortunate, as an apprentice.

Either way, Narcissa agreed not to hold a grudge for Helen killing her sister. Mostly because Bellatrix was a loose cannon that needed to be put down, before she tarnished the Black name any further than it already was.

Actually it was more of a case that Helen couldn't stand to see such an amateur run loose, and the sooner Bella was dead she would learn how to really cut loose, preferably after a few centuries had passed and she learned a few new tricks.

Better it was one of the family (Helen had told Narcissa her birth name) than one of the Ministry's dogs.

Helen found the Longbottoms, and prepared to do something she always wanted to for years. Ever since she first saw Regina do it.

The easiest and most effective way to break a mind lock caused by torture was pain. And since Bellatrix used the Cruciatus, it would have to be something rather unique.

In this case, Helen was going to rip out their hearts without a drop of blood being spilled, and then squeeze.

Exactly how Regina did it in **Once Upon A Time**. It had taken her _decades_ to figure out the trick to it, and Alistair was more than pleased to help her figure it out.

Helen let all her madness and rage channel into her hands. Then she shoved them into the chests of the two sleeping pure bloods. Once she had what she needed, she pulled them out.

In both hands were the Longbottom's hearts. Helen _gently_ squeezed the hearts. Nothing. She did it a little harder. Hard enough that they would actually _feel_ pain from the act.

Their minds, trapped within themselves at the memory of pain, broke out to deal with the fresh influx of _actual_ pain being presented. If not for the fact they didn't have their wands, Auror instincts would have had Helen cursed because she held what was clearly their hearts in her hands.

"Oh good, that actually worked. I would hate to get creative to wake you two up."

"Who are you?!" said Frank. His eyes were much clearer and more aware than they had been since the incident.

"Your son asked me to wake you two up from the trapped state you were in. You've been stuck in your own minds for fifteen years," said Helen flatly, before shoving their hearts back in their chests.

Alice was in shock.

"We've been in St. Mungo's for fifteen years?" she said horrified. Neville would be a young man now.

"I have it on good authority your son visits you every Christmas, hoping you'd wake up. He asked me if I could do something, since I was more likely to know a few more tricks than the European healers. By the way, when he shows up later tell him he now owes me a favor to be collected at a later date. He'll understand once you describe me to him," said Helen, before she vanished.

Alucard was a very _good _teacher.

* * *

><p>The second Neville heard about a red head with green eyes and skimpy outfit, he knew it was Helen. He took the news he now owed her a massive favor to be repaid at any time with ease.<p>

Helen might be a bitch, but she evidently considered him a potential friend. She wasn't likely to force him into something unpleasant.

He would thank her personally when he saw her again though. Both for suggesting he ask both Hufflepuff girls and for saving his parents.

* * *

><p>In the darker reaches of Ireland, Tom Marvolo Riddle, known better as Voldemort, was in a foul mood.<p>

For months he had been entertained and infuriated by that Skeeter woman.

Entertained because she primarily focused on Dumbledore and destroying all the power he once held.

And infuriated at her for revealing his _actual_ origins. A good chunk of his minions abandoned him the second they found out he was the bastard child of a squib and a muggle.

One of the only to remain loyal was Lucius. Then again after the humiliation of having his family's true origins aired out to the public and having his wife leave him, he wanted a piece of Skeeter himself.

The only thing they could not figure out was why time and time again they failed to kill her bodyguards.

Perhaps it was time to send out some of the more heavy hitters.

Bellatrix was eager to get her hands on Rita for reasons of her own.

Helen was actually _at_ the house when it was attacked. Outside she could see Death Eaters in full regalia trying to kill the demon bodyguards. It was a good thing those bodies were long since dead, or she might have felt a sliver of pity for them.

However it was the one leading the attack that had her attention.

Rita was terrified.

"Skeeter, get underground. I'll deal with this trash," ordered Helen.

"What are you going to do?"

"Time to remind the pure bloods what _real_ power is. I'm sure he will have great fun eating them," said Helen cryptically.

Rita did go down into her heavily spelled basement...but not before she caught a glimpse of something that would give her nightmares long after she published the story of the attack.

A monster so horrifying that he was still considered a legend long after death. A creature so powerful that the Ministry sent their best agents to kill his only fledgling left alive, lest she become the monster her Sire had become. A being who's mere name sent shivers down the spines of the vampires.

Alucard.

And it was blatantly clear who his newest "Master" was.


	20. Chapter 20

Bellatrix Lestrange always hated Skeeter. She was always getting into things and telling the teachers whenever she caught someone doing something they shouldn't.

The dislike was mutual. Skeeter hated Bellatrix because she stole a guy she was interested in, and afterwords made a point to insure Rita never had a date ever again.

So imagine her surprise when a legendary monster emerged from the bint's house and started laying waste to her forces.

She took one look at the red-haired whore and knew that she must be Alucard's new Master. Well that simply wouldn't do at all. She made her way towards the red head.

Helen let Bellatrix get close. And when she sent her favorite torture curse, Helen let it slide right off of her with ease. Frying her nerve endings with a spell?

Please, she passed that level of pain the first 'year' in the pit. This woman was pathetic, and it was time to show the insane witch who the real top dog was.

Bellatrix felt a very real feeling of fear when, after hitting the girl with the Cruciatus curse, the girl began to cackle.

"Please tell me that's not the best you can do, or this won't be any fun at all!"

The insane witch started throwing every pain and dark curse she could think of. Some, the girl openly shrugged off like she barely even felt. Others she simply dodged with an insane amount of glee.

By the time Helen was close enough for Bellatrix to get a good look at the girl's face, the dark witch felt more fear than she had since becoming one of Voldemort's top minions.

This girl wasn't just crazy. She was even more insane and powerful than Bellatrix could ever hope to be.

Helen sneered at the woman.

"Oh honey, if you think a few paltry spells cast from a focus is going to create pain, then you're in for a very nasty surprise. Uncle Alistair is going to have _fun_ teaching you the real meaning of pain," purred Helen. "You think you know what pain is? When he's done with you, you'll wish for something as sweet as pain."

Helen did spare a moment to give Alucard a head's up about the whistle, and he finished his lunch before vanishing. The other demons took his queue and hid inside the house. Those still left alive outside had no idea what was coming.

She took a a slender, black metal whistle and blew on it.

And then the carnage started. Hell hounds, whipped into a berserker frenzy from the sound of the whistle appeared from Crowley's holding pens. The sound of screaming was music to Helen's ears...and the fact her special pack ripped Bellatrix limb from bloody limb was just icing on the cake. She did save the head and bought a disposable owl though.

Voldemort was going to be pissed when he got that present and the challenge Helen was about to send him. She was tired of Europe and had no desire to stick around once she didn't have to.

* * *

><p>Alucard was pleased. Helen had thoughtfully gotten a copy of the <em>Daily Prophet<em> for him to read, and there it said quite clearly he had been sighted once more. No pictures, of course, but still a sighting.

"So tell me, Alucard, do you want to give a full declaration of war to these pathetic wand wavers? A show of revenge for what they did to your former master and your only fledgling?" asked Helen with a purr, sitting on the arm of the chair he was using.

"Not much of a war," said Alucard, still grinning.

"I never said it would be. But I did promise you when I learned the fate of your fledgling that I would allow you to exact revenge, did I not? And I have a list of all those involved in the incident... several are confirmed Death Eaters," said Helen.

"Let it never be said that Helen Crowley, the Princess of Hell didn't keep her word to her servants," said Alucard with a dark chuckle.

When word spread in the pit that Helen carried Lucifer's grace and held his favor above Lilith, she became known as a power in hell. The fact she also held favor with two of the higher demons only elevated that status.

But it was recruiting Alucard and then recreating his most bloodthirsty spell that gave her the unofficial moniker as the "Princess" of Hell.

It did not hurt one bit that she had taken so quickly to hell's little ways, or that her madness was of a contained variety. Facing her was like confronting hell's army itself.

Be interesting to see how the angels reacting to someone who's soul was so pure it could slip through the gates, yet held enough madness that only hell could contain it.

Around Alucard's neck was a strange necklace. It clinked whenever he moved.

Closer inspection revealed a coffin, pitch black with an eerie aria etched into it.

_The Bird of Hermes is my name,_

_eating my wings to make me tame._

Upon Alucard's "death", his coffin was taken with him. It was tied to his very soul. It contained the very earth of his birthplace...and the very source of his full power.

Helen had gotten sick of having demons haul the bulky thing around, so she shrunk it until it became small enough to place on a thin necklace made of white gold. It allowed Alucard to carry his own damn coffin.

A fact that endlessly amused the Master vampire.

"Think of it this way... I'll be giving you some of Ali and Lucy's pups to rip them apart, seeing as how they aren't worthy of being used by you later," said Helen.

Alucard's smirk didn't falter.

There was a reason he served Helen...getting revenge on idiots who were stupid enough to harm something that belonged to him was one of them. Helen cared more about her hell hounds than she did about regular humans.

"I have some news that may interest you, my master," said Alucard.

"Oh?"

"It seems the creature you are so interested in has family. One of which was put through the same experiments done to him, with an almost identical abilities."

"Keep talking," said Helen, her smile matching his. She had a thing for canines.

"In the Department of Mysteries is a secret research room. They took his body and began their own experiments to replicate him. I've heard in the pit that they may have created a viable subject, but it's loyalty is questionable," said Alucard.

Helen's eyes danced.

"When have _I_ ever had a problem with 'questionable' loyalty?" she asked.

Alucard laughed.

"We hit at dusk. I'll leave a note so we'll get a good chunk of the idiots who attacked the mansion."

* * *

><p><em><strong>ALUCARD IS ALIVE<strong>_

That was what the _Daily Prophet _was quick to announce the next morning. It had a full picture of Alucard in his bloody glory, fangs extended and the Aurors being ripped to shreds.

Helen, wisely, was nowhere near the cameras. She was behind the scenes, driving the idiots who killed Seras and Integra to the slaughter.

Very few wizards would want to face _one_ hell hound. Let alone fifty of them, all lead by a witch cackling more insanely and more cruelly than Bellatrix herself.

So the idea of facing a vampire, or hell hounds...

They'd take their chances with the vampire.

Alucard was smiling insanely at the way the wizards were panicking. They knew in order for him to be alive enough to kill again, he had to have a new Master. One that was powerful enough to keep him out of hell.

The Master vampire was in a very, very good mood.

Helen was in an even better one. True to his word, there was a werewolf being held in a cage deep in the Department of Mysteries. Helen had already stolen the same prophecy which Dumbledore used as an excuse to keep from ending the war on his own. Thus turning her into an orphan.

The werewolf was a female, one with pale tawny ears, a rather slender tail, and the most striking lavender colored eyes.

The moment she saw Helen, her tail started wagging.

Unlike the wizards (and rare witch) that came to her cage before, she knew she was in the presence of an actual Alpha. Her mind was almost entirely feral, so she was more in tune with her wolf instincts than most.

Helen opened the cage, and held her hand at waist level.

"Heel," she commanded.

The werewolf girl vanished, and reappeared eagerly at her right side. Helen scratched her ears, and frowned slightly. This wolf was underweight and had clearly been injured repeatedly. She was going to have to work on this one before she could take it out into the field.

One quick stop at the carcass of the original, Schrodinger and they left with all the original research notes and the body destroyed.

Alucard was in an insanely good mood from the slaughter.

"So...what are you going to name this new pet of yours?" asked Alucard.

"Zwei. That was the name on her cage," said Helen.

Zwei... German for 'two'. Wizards were nothing if not unoriginal when it came to names.

Zwei perked up from her meal. Part of the experiments done to her gave her the ability to turn into a complete wolf, somewhat like a reverse animagus. There was already a large bulge from the food in her stomach, which was a recently killed deer.

Lucy, Ali, Hermes, Nick and Dante had already accepted her into their pack.

Helen scratched Zwei's ears and she went back to eating. Once she was full, she would fall straight asleep. Unlike some dog owners, Helen never put collars on her pack. They had no need of them, and in Zwei's case it was a cold reminder of the cage.

Helen was an Alpha predator. She had never needed a collar to keep her pack in line.

"How are you going to explain the presence of a werewolf in that castle?" smirked Alucard.

"Who said I need to explain a thing? That pathetic school is merely a base from which I shall destroy that pathetic wizard. I have no need of their teachings, and they know it. I'm just there to clean up the mess that should never have gotten so out of hand," said Helen, tossing a skull up and down.

"What of the reporter? She knows you are my current Master," said Alucard.

"Rita knows that if she speaks of who your master is now at this juncture, I'll have no reason to keep her alive. She actually had the sense to ask for her contract after she head about Little Whinging, and she found the clause that says I take her soul once her usefulness is ended...or if she's lucky in another seven years," said Helen.

And boy, had that come as a nasty surprise to the woman. She was only useful as long as she served Helen's purpose, which was to keep the idiots in the Ministry in disarray. And later off her tail.

"When are you going to retrieve _my_ pet?" he asked.

"Once this fool Voldemort is properly in the pit, I'm going on vacation. I almost feel sorry for you," said Helen.

"Oh?" said Alucard, intrigued.

"I'm going to bring my whistle into the past...and accidentally let Integra know there's an easier way to make you listen," said Helen.

Alucard, had he been human, would have winced.

"Do me a favor and obliviate the memory if you do," he asked.

"I'd have to do it anyway to insure no one realized I was present when Seras was killed," said Helen.

Depending on how well she liked Integra, she might spare the woman's life and insure she survived that night. Anyone who put up with Alucard for over a decade had to be _somewhat_ interesting.

Helen's only reason for retrieving Seras from the past was because Alucard had to have made her a vampire for a reason. Her actions during the Nazi invasion of London showed she might have become equally as powerful as Alucard, if given the chance. Besides, what demon would pass up on a powerful _mated _pair of vampires?

Helen knew Alucard had feelings for Seras...he was just waiting for her to prove she was worthy of such attention from her sire.

Not to mention she would be able to screw with the infamous Paladin Anderson's mind. Chances were he'd think she was a vampire herself with how bloodthirsty she could be.

"By the way...would you like me to retrieve Anderson's ashes before the Vatican absconds with them and turns him into a Martyr?"

Alexander Anderson was canonized as a martyr by the Vatican's more unofficial sects. It was ironic that someone who served the most heretic sect of the Catholic religion ended up becoming a saint by order of the Pope.

Alucard's smile told her all she needed to know.

"Turn his weapons into his grave, then let the Iscariot take them. He deserved that much," said Alucard.

"Fair enough," said Helen.

Very few earned Alucard's respect like that.


	21. Chapter 21

"The Princess..." whispered a voice. It had drifted between worlds for years, sleeping until it could awaken. It had not died, for it could not be alive and dead at the same time. Much like the Chesire cat of old, this creature could be in two places at once, dead one moment and then alive the next.

It had been amused when the magicals made a double of it, for they had only made a cheap copy not worthy of note. A mindless beast who would eat any that tried to tame it.

Really, what more could they expect from a poorly made copy?

But the one who claimed it, made it submit to her will...she was interesting. A true Alpha, much like the mad Major had been. He had never really cared for the Major, but it had been a choice between servitude to a cause he could care less about or death by starvation. At least a kept pet was fed.

Hell's princess, a girl who's only claim to the title was that she made others submit or be destroyed. Demons instinctively knew a predator when they saw one, and they had raised this one a little too well. They knew they were lucky she had an inherent sense of true loyalty, or she would have turned on them all in an instant.

"Princess!"

The creature had been waiting years for the Princess to return. And yet she had yet to appear before him in all of her bloodstained glory.

A pity he could not appear before her just yet.

* * *

><p>Voldemort took her declaration of war rather well, considering. Every Death Eater she captured that was still loyal had their head mounted on a snake that had been impaled. She had nothing against the creatures, honestly, but she needed to make a statement.<p>

At least she only used snakes that were already dead before she impaled them.

The Ministry, however, did not appreciate seeing people they knew and had worked with for years turned into a bloody spectacle.

The irony was that the Queen, who they served, did. It was about time someone cleaned out the trash. The fact it was the cast-off Savior who had been handed over to demons by her own flesh and blood was poetic justice. They should never have trusted Dumbledore to the point they forgot to actually _think_.

Sure, Helen wasn't exactly going to be welcomed with open arms for the next couple of decades, but she wasn't that fond of her birth country to begin with.

Helen gave Voldemort a message.

_Gather your men, your monsters, your very best...and meet me on the battlefield. It's time this pathetic excuse for war was laid to it's final rest. I shall show you what real war looks like, you childish excuse for a man..._

That message was sent along with the head of Lucius Malfoy, who died screaming like a coward as Helen decapitated him. Narcissa had even gone so far as to spit on his corpse.

The only kindness Helen had shown the English was warning the teachers of what she had done. When the battle started, the Chamber of Secrets would become a refuge for the students, defended to the last by the teachers. This war had not been started by Helen, but she was going to end it. Violently if need be.

"Why?"

"Hmm?"

"Why is it that a soul as pure as yours...that someone of such noble and great a lineage as yourself would knowingly become such a monster?" Alucard elaborated.

"You ask why I proudly descend into madness, rather than stay in the light like my parents did? Why I would willingly enter the pit and enjoy it, instead of trying to stay in heaven's good graces?" asked Helen.

She knew how Alucard became a monster. Why he turned his back against god and heaven and became so powerful that it was almost impossible for anyone to stop him unless he allowed it.

Alucard was silent, but he awaited her answer.

"I suppose some might think it's because of my aunt giving me to a demon when I was so young. Some might say it was the abuse that they put me through before I was taken. Or perhaps revenge," said Helen, looking at the moonlight with Zwei's head in her lap.

"The truth is... I despise liars."

That answer caught Alucard off guard for a moment.

"Hell is full of liars," said Alucard finally.

Helen gave him a side long glance.

"Hell is full of lies, but they admit that they are lies. They aren't trying to be holy. They don't claim some 'divine' mandate made them do it. They don't hide the fact that they are monsters bent on destroying humanity and the world with it. They embrace what they really are. They are proud of the fact they are monsters. They will stab their own mother in the back and will admit it without hesitation. I can live with lies...but I can't stand hypocrites who declare they are 'holy' and 'justified' in their cause."

Alucard was stunned...then he started a chuckle that became dark laughter.

Helen's descent into true madness...the darkness she used to shield the pure soul within...all because she hated people who lied to everyone, including themselves.

Helen didn't give a damn about someone's motivations for killing another. If they wanted to kill each other, then she would be fine with it. But if they claimed 'god' made them do it, or that they were doing it for any reason outside of human nature... that was when she got pissed off.

It was why she took such great pleasure in angering Riddle. He claimed he was all about pure blood superiority.

Instead he was a bastard son of a squib who raped a muggle. Who was so angry at the flawed system he found that wouldn't acknowledge his power that he decided to destroy it and anyone he perceived as lesser men.

Helen could have ignored Voldemort if he had killed in the name of killing or at least admitted that he hated himself and his origins. But killing in the name of the same crap the Nazi's spewed several decades earlier?

She would see him destroyed for such nonsense.

Not out of revenge, or even because she was being paid to do it. But purely out of the fact his attitude and lies pissed her off.

Alucard's laughter died down.

"It is moments like this when I am reminded why I call you 'master'," he said.

"The fact I give you all the entertainment you want and accept your nature completely had nothing to do with it, I'm sure," she said dryly.

Alucard snorted.

"When you first approached me, not out of fear or a desire for power, I was amused. When you asked me for help creating your own version of my last resort, I was interested. When you displayed your madness without a hint of hesitation and with pride, I was convinced," said Alucard.

Alucard started to walk towards Helen.

"Tell me, my master... Why do you keep on fighting? Is it survival? Is it perseverance? Is is servitude towards an angel who creates demons in his wake? Is it to repay your 'father'? Tell me, my master...are you a dog or a human?"

Helen's cold laughter rang out in the still night.

"Dog? Human? What difference does it make in the end? When the long night ends and the cold light of dawn breaks, when heaven and hell are lain in waste, when not even god can tell the difference between sinner and saint... at that moment we are all but ashes and memories to Him. Death does not care if you die like a dog or fight to the bitter end. He does not give a damn if you become a monster or if you were God himself. What I am, Vlad Tepes Dracula, is a complete bitch who only fights for the right to remain myself. No illusions. No lies. Just Helen."

Alucard slowly clapped.

"And that, my master, is why I agreed to serve you. You, a mere child who descended into hell of your own volition and dared to ask a thing such as myself not to serve you, but to teach you the ways of _real_ war. You, Helena Rosemary Potter, no Helen Dante Crowley!"

"The long night will begin again. You would think that mess twenty years ago would have taught them about real war enough not to actively seek it out again," said Helen.

Below, in the treeline, were Death Eaters and all the forces they could muster. Voldemort was down there, along with his pet snake. It was time to end this charade and claim her prize.

"What are my orders, my Dark Princess?" asked Alucard, bowing to Helen.

"Search and destroy any who get in your way. Leave Voldemort and his fragment to me. They are my prey. In this blackest night and into the cold blood-stained red dawn, we shall end this mockery of war. It is an affront to those who know what true power is," said Helen.

"Yes, My Master!"

Alucard descended into the field, leaving bloodshed in his wake.

"If you wish for war, Tom Marvolo Riddle, I will give you war. I will give you so much that you will choke on the bodies of your dead and the rivers shall run crimson with the blood of your fallen. I shall instruct you on what _real_ war looks like," said Helen darkly.

Tom Riddle thought he had brought war to Britain when he first started his terror troops.

Helen was about to instruct this child what _real_ war was...and to show him the monster he had helped to create with that ridiculous prophecy made by a drunk.

Helen jumped off the Astronomy tower without fear of dying.

Her voice echoed across the bloody ground.

_**The Daughter of Dante is my name...**_

_**Shredding my past to bolster the flames...**_

_**Light shielded by Darkness, I answer to none...**_

_**Blood to blood, this world shall become undone...**_

Her left arm became cloaked in the Rider's power, her right wielded a gun wreathed in hellfire. All around her the blood turned to chains made of the same hellish energy used to keep the damned in hell. Following her faithfully without needing a single order to do so was the pack. Even Zwei, the youngest and weakest, followed their lead. She of course, walked on Helen's left side while Lucy, the top bitch of the original four, walked in her human disguise on her right.

Lucy had blood red hair and wolf-eyes. At a distance she could pass for Helen...but in the light you could clearly see she was merely a body double. Helen had an aura around her that Lucy did not...and she could only talk in wolf-speak.

Only the strongest hell hounds could take human form. Or those granted a special reward from their master.

Helen's usual outfit was gone. She currently wore a dress that greatly resembled the one she wore at the Yule Ball, only it was much more revealing and seductive. Around her head was a ring of flames, almost forming a fiery crown. Her feet were wrapped in a red glass-like material, making it look like she wore pure fire.

She looked every bit a Princess of hell, despite the fact she had never originally come up with such a title.

All around her, the dead lay impaled on bloody spikes. Dementors, creatures who feed on fear, were destroyed by Alucard's power. Werewolves, who followed Voldemort, tried to flee, only to be ripped apart piece by mangled piece by the pack.

Vampires, those that were old or powerful enough to recognize what Alucard was, said nothing. Instead of trying to stop him, they merely nodded in recognition before vanishing. Alucard perceived them as too weak to bother with. He had more than enough to sate his thirst in front of him.

That was when _he_ appeared.

The self-styled Dark Lord Voldemort.

"I will give you once chance. Join me by my side or perish," he said arrogantly.

Alucard, when he heard the demand, laughed. There was no real humor in it, only mockery. Helen's laughter was no less cruel or empty.

"Join you? You, who pretend to be of a great line but were defeated by an _infant _? You, who play at war and bring a mockery to those who know what real warfare is? You, who are so far beneath me it's not even worth the effort to crush your worthless skull beneath my feet?" said Helen. Her eyes flared with an internal light.

"Only a fool would kill in the name of hypocrisy and call it war."

Alucard offered a rather odd snake to his Master. It was Nagini.

Helen slammed her dagger necklace into the beast's skull, killing it without remorse or pity and stealing the soul fragment that had been shoved within. Only one more piece now, and then the contract would be fulfilled on her end.

Voldemort's eyes narrowed in absolute rage. However that rage turned into pure fear when she turned to face him again.

"How ironic that it's by your own doing the prophecy is filled. Perhaps I should reintroduce myself. My name is Helen Dante Crowley...but I was once Helena Potter," she said with a mock bow. "And you, Tom, have only sown the seeds of your own demise. My dear Uncle has been waiting decades to have a little...chat...with you. Of course he has been playing with Bella for quite some time, but I'm sure he can spare plenty of attention your way."

Chains of hell magic grabbed Riddle by every extremity. He was about to get a small preview of what was to come his way once Helen was done toying with him.

Helen started to rip Voldemort apart, piece by jagged piece. She did it so slowly that he could feel every excruciating second of it. Then she started to burn him with such a low flame that it would take _days_ before he finished burning. Added to that pain was acid. The more corrosive the better.

Alucard was rather enjoying the show. At least until he noticed an unwelcome presence about to ruin the fun.

"Princess, the aurors are coming. Unless you want to deal with those fools, you should end this," Alucard.

"A pity, but I'm sure Uncle Alistair would rather have his newest toy sooner rather than later."

Helen released the safety, aimed her gun, and pulled the trigger. Hellfire consumed the body, devouring the soul and adding it to Helen's collection. As the flames raged, Tom Marvolo Riddle was dragging screaming in absolute agony into hell and straight onto Alistair's special racks.

Amelia Bones was the first to arrive, and by that time Helen had released her aria, returning her outfit to normal.

"Please tell me that wasn't..."

"The students are in the Chamber of Secrets. If you send a patronus I'm sure the teachers can bring them back up...though you might want to clean the place up before they see it. As for Riddle and his goons...well..."

Madam Bones sighed. She just knew the paperwork from this would be a hell in itself. How was she supposed to explain _this_ mess?!

"Oh and by the way..."

Madam Bones turned to face her.

"If you or any of those idiots come after my servant or his fledgling again, I will take it very personally and end your precious community. Next time we won't just settle for those who were present during the event. We'll kill every last one of you, down to the last child," said Helen with an angelic smile on her face.

Amelia Bones looked at the 'servant' and winced visibly. So that was why Alucard had attacked the Ministry directly. No wonder he had been so furious.


	22. Chapter 22

Helen was relaxing, getting a nice tan...on the roof of her dad's manor.

Because her Dad would throw a real fit if he caught any of his newer demons ogling Helen in the buff while she relaxed, she wore a bikini. Not much of one, and her bottom half was covered by a sarong around the waist.

"Having fun, now that you don't have the contract looming over your head?"

Helen looked up to find her dad there.

"Loads. I'm planning a vacation to properly enjoy the fact I don't have to worry about England anymore," she agreed.

"Speaking of... look what the goblins forwarded this morning."

Helen took one look at the shimmery cloak and grimaced.

"Let me get dressed. Might as well hand those stupid things back so we don't have to do this song and dance again," said Helen.

Normally demons wouldn't even _consider_ summoning Death directly out of the pit. However in this case Crowley would suck it up just to be rid of the issue of the Hallows.

The best part was that Helen was the only one allowed to handle them, and by extension give them to Death!

The only ones in the room were Crowley, Narcissa, Zwei and Helen. Alucard was taking a nice long nap, as he had little interest in this.

Helen took her dagger and cut into her finger. A few drops of blood were all she needed to open the connection.

_**The Daughter of Dante seeks an audience with the pale horseman. Rise now, Oh Death, and come forth onto this mortal plain again until your task is done.**_

A chill came into the air. Narcissa shivered.

"You didn't accidentally summon a dementor did you?" she asked. It felt that cold, only she didn't feel all the positive feelings being drained.

There in the far corner, was a pale man who looked like something you'd see in a mortuary working on the dead. His expression was anything but amused at the moment.

_What does a demon want with me?_

Helen snorted. She held up all three items.

"To return something that has caused far more trouble than it's worth," she replied.

Death's eyes narrowed, but she could feel he was examining her soul intently for deception.

_You are still human, yet your soul is tainted with the pit. You're that brat everyone's been calling "Hell's Princess" aren't you?_

"I am. I was sent to retrieve the three items to collect on overdue souls, since I was still human. I have no desire to possess the three Hallows and even less inclination to become your...Master."

Death saw no deceit in her words. He took the stone and placed it back on his ring. The wand became part of his scythe once more. But he did not touch the cloak.

_That is of little use to me. Dispose of it as you will, but do not call me like this again, little _human_. And call that blasted pet of yours already. I'm sick of having to deal with his spirit wandering the plains making a nuisance of himself and bothering my reapers!_

Helen nodded respectfully towards Death, who returned to the pit.

Narcissa's legs gave out from under her. Crowley didn't hold it against her...Death had that sort of effect on everyone when he wasn't buffering it.

"What did he mean call my pet? All of my pack have been accounted for."

As far as she knew, she only had Lucy, Nick, Ali, Hermes, Dante and now Zwei.

Zwei, who had been making great strides in being able to speak, nudged her Master.

"Yes, Zwei?"

"Master, I see animal with odd cloths."

"Where?"

"In place that is not place," said Zwei.

"Is this the same place where you go when you slide between plains?"

Zwei cocked her head. Helen tried another tactic.

"Is this the same area where wizards cannot go?" she asked. Now Zwei nodded.

"Maybe your vacation will illuminate what he meant by your pet," said Crowley.

"I have an idea what he meant, but I definitely need that vacation to confirm it. Well that and a proper summoning spell for you and Uncle Alistair."

"Why would... Oh. You're going to erase yourself from the history books after right?" asked Crowley as he realized why she would need that.

"At the very least. And if it makes you feel any better, I'll be giving Loki a heart attack as well, and maybe some angels in the process," said Helen grinning.

"In that case, I demand pictures and memories," said Crowley.

* * *

><p>Helen paused by Alucard's "room" in the basement. He hated mornings, so he preferred the lowest part of the house to avoid the light.<p>

"So...any special requests before I leave?"

"Heading for vacation?" asked Alucard.

"Among other things."

Alucard, when bored, either slept or read. He was still getting the hang of using the internet, which had jumped in leaps and bounds since he was stuck in the pit for who knew how long.

It was pointless to count the passage of time when you were as deep as he was.

Crowley's plan to keep him occupied? Give him a laptop and teach him how to use it. Once he got hooked on the same things Helen had discovered early on (one of which was Japanese graphic novels, which was how she found out about Alucard in the first place), chances were he would be less of a nuisance while Helen was gone.

Now if only Alucard would quit crashing his damn laptop and then throwing it into the wall with frustration.

To be fair, Helen agreed with him on the book front. Digital was fine and all if you couldn't afford the actual book, but there was nothing like flipping through actual _pages_ and getting the full brunt of the smell of old paper and ink. Or in Alucard's case, smelling the blood in said old-fashioned ink. Some of the books he requested had some questionable substances used to write it.

* * *

><p>One moment Helen was in her own time, the next she and Zwei (along with her other hounds in cages held on her belt to be released once she touched down) were in the past. A good three months before the incident in Cheddar where Alucard originally found (and turned) Seras Victoria.<p>

First thing she was going to do was make sure she was in the right timeline. The next thing she was going to do was summon her dad and uncle...then photograph their reaction to the fact they had raised such a hellion who was still human.

She had no doubt that it would be hilarious...especially since she had gotten a camera from her father that would work in the pit. She planned to prank her Uncle Alistair while he was torturing someone just to get a picture of his face. Be a bit interesting to see her dad before he became King of the Crossroads.

This was going to be fun.

Alistair was busy torturing some nameless moron when he felt someone tap on his shoulder. He turned around just in time for someone to flash a camera in his face.

Needless to say he was more than a little pissed off.

The culprit was some red head who was cackling as she vanished, to his fury. Helen was glad that any memories of her name or face would be erased from the minds of anyone who saw or interacted with her, because otherwise she would have to deal with her Uncle Alistair being unhappy with her before he got to know her.

Next was her dad, which was much easier. Just tackling him while crying "Daddy!" was enough to elicit a hilarious reaction for Lucy to photograph.

Sure his body was different, but the look on his face was totally worth it. He was so freaked out that he left without even trying to make a deal.

Helen was cackling evilly as she looked at the photos. Oh this was comic _gold_.

* * *

><p>Helen made her way to Cheddar, completely unconcerned about the vampire that was there. Not like something that weak could kill or turn her. Especially not with her pack and the disguised Lucy beside her.<p>

As far as that vampire knew, they were a pair of sisters traveling on the road by hitch hiking to get to London.

Helen grimaced at the fact they had to get a room at the church (Cheddar was small and didn't have a single inn) but didn't complain. It would be awkward to explain to an actual priest that she disliked the whole religion theme of a church.

It wasn't that she denied or didn't believe, it was just she could care less and hated having it shoved down her throat.

It was pretty hard to claim God didn't exist when you often shared head space with one of the few beings in existence who knew what God looked like and had spoken with him. If she ever met the guy, she would reserve judgment until she got to know him.

She wasn't unhappy with the way her life had gone. Sure, the first couple of years were pretty crappy once her parents died, but after was awesome. She wouldn't change a single thing.

Night slowly fell in the town. And once it did, the priest became active.

The only reason he didn't go after Helen and "Lucy" was because of the vampire ward around the room. He could sense something dangerous waiting if he tried to open the door.

Helen ignored the blood bath outside. She was used to the pit for crying out loud, and her most devastating attack that was made thanks to Alucard almost quite literally brought hell to earth. About the only thing missing were the demons, and that was because she didn't want to deal with a bitchy angel coming down on her ass.

Gabriel was bad enough, though no where near as bad as Lucifer when he got into a real snit fit about something or other.

(Gabriel, when she mentioned this to him one night, damn near choked on the quintuple chocolate sundae with enough whip cream and sugary treats to put a diabetic into an instant sugar coma for _days _that he had been enjoying. He had popped one up for Helen, but with a different toppings. She wasn't that big a fan of whipped cream.)

It wasn't long until the place was a ghost town.

Helen finally opened the door, revealing the ghouls outside. She looked at the vampire pointedly before telling him flatly "I am leaving the window open to let the air in. If any of your pawns try to come in, I will blast them apart before I let my dogs rip them to shred. Any attempts to eat me will result in death. Are we clear?"

He sneered at her, but the way she rapidly destroyed ten of his ghouls and the sound of her hell hound pack growling quickly changed his tune.

"I said are we clear, you pathetic excuse for a vampire?" she repeated.

He growled, but nodded. He would not go after her...for now.

The first four ghouls who tried to enter the room got blasted by her shot gun. The rest were ripped apart bloodily by the hell hounds.

By the time Seras and her group arrived, the place was a mess. It was a good thing Helen learned to quit smelling the foul odor of decaying flesh and blood, otherwise she would have gagged hours ago from the pile outside her door.

Outside of going out the window so she could watch the upcoming show properly, she didn't interfere. The moment Alucard laid eyes on her, he tensed visibly.

Seras, still weak from blood loss and the conversion from human to vampire, didn't really notice Helen.

Helen stared Alucard right in the eye and smirked.

"So are you going to introduce me to your boss and help give her gray hairs from trying to figure out what I am or not?"

Alucard blinked.

"It would be a bit difficult for her to _have_ gray hair with how pale hers is," he replied.

"We could always enjoy the migraines she's about to get trying to figure out if I'm a vampire or not. Unless you plan on telling her right off I'm not," said Helen cheekily.

Alucard, realizing why she was there, grinned evilly.

"Are you planning on pranking her?" he asked. It was strangely easy to talk to this girl and he had no idea why.

"Absolutely. Among others," said Helen. "You can claim you found me in the village and that I wasn't part of that idiot's schemes. Took him a while to realize he wasn't getting past the hell hounds."

Alucard's grin widened even further. Only someone with loose morals would even _own_ a hell hound, let alone more than one. He had the feeling having this odd girl around was going to be interesting and hilarious.

If only because Integra would be trying to figure out whether or not she was a vampire or not. Alucard _knew_ she wasn't, but he wasn't going to tell her that.

Needless to say Integra was _pissed_ he walked out with not one, but two new headaches. A fledgling (Alucard was carrying Seras out bridal style) and what she could only assume was a more powerful vampire, if she was able to walk out of that mess unscathed and not in a gibbering mess.

If she had known what a headache having Helen around would be, she would have shot the girl the second she saw her.


	23. Chapter 23

Integra Hellsing didn't know whether to like her new headache, or strangle her.

Helen Crowley was an enigma. She was either a vampire as powerful as Alucard (a frightening prospect in itself) or she was something equally dangerous they had never encountered before.

She made the men in the base complete idiots, though Alucard was endlessly entertained by the fact she only had to be in the room and stretch to make them walk into doors, walls and other immovable objects. She also seemed to think it was her life's mission to mess with the kitchen. Integra couldn't count the number of times she had eaten something and her mouth felt like it was on fire.

On the other hand, she also seemed to greatly enjoy pranking Alucard. He had actually gone around the headquarters one night wearing what Seras had thought was a skirt...until someone recognized the fact he was in a kilt he most certainly hadn't put on voluntarily.

At least it was a tasteful one.

There was also the time when Alucard was being a nuisance and Helen had done something that made him openly cringe.

Integra didn't know _how _Helen got Alucard to behave, but she would very much love to find out.

"We have a ghoul outbreak in Ireland. Seras, Alucard, I want you two to head out and deal with it," said Integra.

"What about Helen?"

"We can't seem to find her, and last I checked she said something about a nap," said Integra.

Well that and she flat out said she wasn't interested in dealing with another ghoul attack.

Alucard chuckled.

"With her dogs, you wouldn't even need us to deal with it. They would rip apart everything alive in the house without her needing to go inside."

Helen had warned Integra she had more than just the wolf with her. Partly because she had no idea if any of the Hellsing group was allergic.

Not that that particular issue had ever come up with hell hounds.

Seras didn't actually mind Helen. Yes, she was a bit of a grump, but she was genuinely _nice_ to her Master. She also, for some bizarre reason that seemed to amuse her Master endlessly, flirted shamelessly with the vampire girl.

Seras always ended up blushing horribly the moment Helen started on her, and Alucard made a point to show up shortly after, or to watch the show if he was in the room already.

Once Alucard and Seras were off to Ireland, Helen showed up a few hours later once the sun had set. Integra seemed only mildly irritated with her.

At least she apparently respected the other woman enough to not wear such revealing clothing in her presence.

"Where were you?"

"Library. Alucard and his girlfriend gone?"

"To Baddrick," said Integra. Helen winced. "Something I need to know?"

"Outside of the fact they're about to run head first into Iscariot's Paladin?" she asked.

Integra's eyes flew open wide.

"What?!"

"Iscariot sent Anderson to Baddrick. He's about to have a run in with Alucard and his girl. He's actually one of the few priests I could possibly tolerate."

Helen made no bones that she couldn't stand priests or churches. She also didn't like Walter for some bizarre reason, yet she actually respected Integra to the point she listened.

"Are you absolutely certain Anderson will be there?"

"Beyond a doubt," said Helen, "Anyone you take with you will likely be killed the moment you see him. He thinks anyone not a Catholic or Christian is a heathen for some bizarre reason, despite the fact it's the same blasted book that you're all quoting."

That was something she never got. It was the same freaking book, yet all because humanity couldn't figure out which interpretation of the damn thing was right they ended up making an entirely new religion out of it. And the irony was that the book was full of misquotes and additives that were never intended in the first place.

Dear magic, the sheer amount of bitching and complaining Gabriel went into whenever that blasted book was mentioned. And the worst part was that it was all _Micheal's _fault for choosing the human to write it! He had to pick the most chauvinistic, narcissistic, arrogant and pig headed human to pass the message to, and then the bastard put his own spin on it on top of it! Gabriel tried to correct the mistake when he realized what happened, but by then it was too late.

Ever since then it became a bit of a sore point to the arch angel that some moron caused generations and centuries of needless pain and suffering just because the one who wrote it down was an idiot.

"In that case you're coming with me," said Integra. If Anderson _was _there, then she wasn't going to bring good men to their deaths...and it would provide a good chance to see what Helen could do.

"Am I allowed to screw with the Paladin's head and give him headaches?" asked Helen.

"Do I look like I care if you do?" said Integra.

Helen beamed at her.

"Time to put on something really racy then, if only for the amusement of his expression will bring. Wonder if he's one of those idiots who thinks same-gender relationships are wrong..." grinned Helen.

Integra snorted.

If anyone could drive Anderson into a rage, she had no doubts it would be Helen. She wondered who would walk away from that not pissed off beyond reason. Helen or the Paladin.

* * *

><p>If Alucard was openly amused by Helen before, he was desperately trying not to laugh his ass off when she encountered Anderson.<p>

Helen managed to get under the Paladin's skin simply by sauntering in the room with her werewolf servant on her arm. Everything about her set him off...and when she ignored his speech he grew more than irritated. Helen looked the very definition of a 'scarlet woman' right down to the color she wore.

Integra was beyond happy that the girl didn't dress like that around her all the time.

Her slightly scandalous and overly revealing clothes were bad enough. This outfit made her look like a seasoned whore out to seduce a saint.

The minute Anderson called her a heathen, Helen openly let out mocking laughter.

"A heathen? A heretic? You do realize that in order to be _called_ such things I would have to believe or follow the same book that has been misinterpreted since the moron who was picked to write it did a piss poor job from the start, right?"

That had every give her a collective blink.

"What."

"The '_bible' _as you religious nuts seemed to hold so much faith to, was written by a narcissistic, arrogant, self-righteous pig who failed to do the one task he was given right. He put his own spin on the book and by the time the angel Gabriel realized what happened, it was too late to change it. You have no idea how much he whines and complains whenever someone brings up the book around him. The ironic thing is it's because of Micheal that the book has been misinterpreted for centuries. And don't get me started on the countless religions that have formed around it."

"You speak as if you've meet Gabriel."

"He's a sugar nut with the personality of an overgrown child who ran away from heaven shortly after Lucifer and Micheal's argument grew so out of hand that it started a civil war... all because _Micheal_ couldn't fathom the fact your precious god gave ALL creatures free will, including angels."

Helen snorted.

"Honestly, the pit is easier to tolerate. At least they don't hide behind a wall of 'righteousness' and openly admit they're monsters," said Helen.

"Demon! Harlot! Deceiver!" snarled Anderson.

Helen took a single elegant hand and flipped the hair off her face.

"Puh-lease, I'm demon-_raised_, not a demon. Do you really think demons and Alucard are the only ones with a claim to true madness? And just because I _dress_ like a harlot does not make me one. As for that last accusation, I am extremely offended. I may torture, I may kill, I may drive people to insanity...but I never lie about what I am. Not when the cold hard truth cuts deeper than any lies," said Helen staring Anderson coldly in the face. Something about her eyes made him the one to back off first. A fact that somewhat surprised the two vampires and their 'handler'.

Integra was going to have a long overdue talk with this girl once they were back at headquarters.

"Who or what are you?"

"Me? I'm a witch raised by a demon, trained in hell, and given the power of an angel partially as a joke and partially to piss another higher level demon off considerably."

Whatever Integra expected her to say, that was most certainly not it.

"What."

"The girl's a hell witch, but not one that needs a demon to fuel her magic," said Alucard.

"She's not a vampire?" said Integra.

"She could become one if she were so inclined. The girl's blood is pure enough," said Alucard.

Helen rolled her eyes at the incredulous looks of almost everyone present.

"Just because I dress like a scarlet woman doesn't make me one. Though really, what more could you expect from someone given the 'birds and the bees' talk from a succubus because her demon father and uncle were too cowardly to do it themselves?"

"Who are your father and uncle?" asked Alucard, mildly curious and wondering if he could use this in hell.

"Fergus Crowley and Alistair respectively," she told him. Alucard actually choked, causing the others to stare at him.

"Your _uncle_ is the demon who is considered the top torture specialist in _hell_?! The one most demons piss themselves over if they end up on his bad side when he's feeling creative?!"

Helen got a rather odd look on her face as she smiled at him.

"Uncle Alistair was the one to give me my first four hell hounds. Though I absolutely can't _stand_ that white-eyed bitch Lilith or her whore of a servant Ruby," said Helen.

"And the silver and red one?" asked Integra. She had seen _six_ dogs around Helen. Four would qualify as large misshapen wolves of some sort (likely hell hounds if the looks Alucard gave them were any indication), one was silver and dark crimson and made this odd rumbling growl when angered, and the only normal looking one could turn into a human with what looked like cat ears.

"You mean Dante?" asked Helen, eye smiling at the blond. Said 'hound' perked up when it heard his name, and promptly came to Helen's side without being called. She had trained her pack so well she didn't need to get the whistle. That was just her command to go nuts and return.

Helen placed her hand on Dante's neck and hummed. To the shock of everyone, where the massive hell hound once was, there was now a massive motorcycle that was painted to _look_ like a hell hound. The rumbling of the engine was exactly like the same sound Dante let off when it growled.

Integra had a headache. Seras and Walter were confused. Alucard was openly amused by the hell witch and her pets. And Helen was currently making a list of all the things she would tell Gabriel once she found a reason to call him, if only to see the look on his face all over again when he realized _Lucifer_ could see outside the cage and partially interact with it. His expression had been so funny the first time she had to see it again.

Besides, the way Anderson died, Helen thought he _earned_ meeting at least ONE angel that wasn't a total asshole.

* * *

><p><em><strong>Dante, for those who are curious, looks a LOT like Duran from the Mai-Hime series, only he's silver and crimson red in color. Helen can use the guns Natsuki has, but she prefers other weapons. She only uses the guns when there's limited space and she can't go all out.<strong>_


	24. Chapter 24

_**GAH! I HATE BEING TRAPPED BY SNOW! On the plus side, being stuck in my house because of snow and freezing weather was insanely good for my muse. Enjoy.**_

* * *

><p>Helen was <em>bored<em>.

Ever since being outed as a witch from hell, most of her teasing went by the wayside. Though Integra wouldn't have believed someone who dressed as scandalously and provocatively as Helen could still be a virgin. If Alucard hadn't backed Helen's claim, she would have claimed it was a very poor lie.

Just because she had been given the 'Talk' from a succubus and taught several tricks didn't mean she had used any of them. To be fair, her standards were very high and they would have to refuse her father's offer for a deal before she would even consider dating them.

"So...what exactly are you? I mean I've never seen Master answer to anyone outside of Sir Integra," asked Seras.

"I'm a natural born witch who was handed over willingly to a demon by her own flesh and blood, raised by a master of convincing people to sell their souls for greed and the chance of redemption, trained by hell's leading torture specialist...and in twenty years from now your sire's new Master. But you can just call me Helen."

Seras blinked.

"What do you mean, my sire's new master?"

"You really _don't_ know a damn thing about vampires, do you? When a vampire bites someone and turns them into a fledgling, then they have 'sired' another. When a vampire impregnates a female and the child is born, it's called a damphir...but most people end up killing the mother before it's born, so they're exceedingly rare. I've only heard of two damphir that even exists and two wants nothing to do with vampires. Both of them would gladly kill the other half of their lineage because of how they were made."

"You know a lot about vampires, for a witch," spoke a voice behind her.

"To be fair, you're little more than a branch of a very extensive breed...though one of the more tolerable ones anyway."

"Oh?" said Alucard smiling.

Helen's grin was evil.

"Here. Have something new to read and see how far the masses opinion of vampires has fallen," said Helen. In her hand were four black books.

Alucard took them, not realizing that she had just handed him something any real vampire would have frothing at the mouth to kill the author. It was a disgrace to the breed and made a mockery of the blood sucking creatures everywhere. It was a miracle the woman who wrote it hadn't been killed off by the very thing she was writing about.

Seras noted the evil glint in Helen's eyes that her master had missed.

"What did you just give him?"

"A very pathetic vampire romance novel that doesn't have a lick of smut and far too much emo girl crap and teenaged angst along with a genuine mockery of what real vampires are like. About the only thing they _did_ get right were the 'werewolves', but the idea that a natural werewolf would be the soul mate of a damphir is not only ridiculous, it's outright insulting. Let alone the mere thought of a werewolf and a vampire working together to keep a mere _human_ safe..." said Helen shaking her head.

Seras looked confused. Helen reached into her bag to pull out a slim machine in plastic...fire red of course.

"Want to see the movies they made out of them?"

Seras nodded. It would be a few hours before the sun went down, and there weren't any missions at the moment.

The poor Draculina had no idea what _Twilight_ was...or the mockery it made of real vampires everywhere. Helen wasn't surprised in the least to learn Alucard had burned the four copies she had brought with her to prank him with into ashes and spit on what was left of the pyre when he finished reading them.

Seras wisely never mentioned the series in front of her Master.

"I hate you right now. Why did you have to introduce me to that series?" said Alucard.

"Are you actually _whining_?" said Helen amused.

"You owe me for tricking me into reading that...that..."

Helen smirked.

"Get the Draculina and I'll introduce you to something that doesn't embarrass the name of vampires everywhere."

"You better."

And that was when Helen introduced Alucard to series like _Tsukihime_, _Blade, Bloodrayne_ and _Underworld_.

That seemed to appease the Master vampire that he forgave Helen for handing him the _Twilight_ series.

* * *

><p>"Tell me, Ms. Black...exactly how <em>do<em> you keep Alucard from going berserk?" asked Integra. The two were sharing some very nice Earl Gray tea.

"With this."

It was an innocuous looking black whistle. However the mere sight of it usually made Alucard wince.

"What is that?"

"A dog whistle. Or to be more specific, a silent whistle forged in hell for crossroad demons once they reach a certain rank. My dad hates it when I blow this thing in his house."

"Why?"

"Because hell hounds are trained to go into a berserk, murderous frenzy much like piranhas or sharks with blood in the water if you use this. Dogs of all shapes and sizes hear on a different frequency range, and this drives them barking mad, if you'll excuse the pun. My pack is trained to go into hunting mode if I use it once, and to return to normal if I blow it twice."

"If that's a hell hound whistle, then why does Alucard...?" said Integra, openly confused.

Helen smiled in such a way that Integra could feel a headache coming on. It was pure mischief.

"Alucard has his little pets waiting to be called doesn't he? I know he's had his dogs kill before... and since they're a part of him, that means he hears on the same frequency they do. From what I understand it's something akin to nails on chalkboard or glass, possibly even a very high pitched whine to his ears."

Integra blinked...before an evil smile of her own reached her face.

"So basically you treat him like a misbehaving dog, and when he gets into too much mischief you break out the whistle to bring him back in line?"

"Pretty much."

Integra actually snickered in amusement.

"So are you really calling a round table?"

"After what we found in those ghouls bodies, I have to," said Integra.

"Wow...didn't know you were a lesbian."

Alucard, who had been listening out of boredom, snorted before he broke out into laughter.

Integra looked very much like she wanted to strangle her.

"After all, you did say that you looked very carefully at the _ghouls _ bodies," continued Helen with a straight face.

"I AM NOT A LESBIAN!"

"Then why haven't you been married off yet?" said Helen.

Alucard was howling with laughter now. Even Seras was snickering. Integra looked ready to throttle the girl in front of her.

"The reason I haven't been married is because I have to run the Hellsing Organization...and because Alucard wouldn't listen to me otherwise," she said with grit teeth.

"Uh-huh. Who fed you that load of bull?" asked Helen.

Integra blinked.

"Excuse me?"

"You really don't know much about Master vampires do you?" said Helen amused. Seeing her about to explode (again) Helen explained.

"Master Vampires can't be _tied_ to a human, even a squib like you, unless they _want_ to be tied down. I have it on good authority that Alucard's main reason for sticking around despite the fact it's a mere human giving him orders is because one, humans are more interesting than his own kind and two, because he actually _respects_ you. I'm fairly certain Alucard would still be around if you got laid so long as you don't become too boring."

Integra blinked, before she looked at Alucard.

The Master vampire grinned but didn't deny Helen's claim. Integra felt like swearing.

"Don't worry about it. By the time I leave I'll be sure to set you up with someone tolerable...and of the same ranking..." said Helen grinning.

"What does that mean?" said Integra sharply.

"Tell me, Intregra...what do you know of the Ancient and Noble house of Black?" asked Helen grinning.

Sirius was likely to curse her for this, but Remus was going to get some help controlling an idiot.

* * *

><p><em>Elsewhere in the world...<em>

He was excited. The Princess was here and it wouldn't be long before he could leave these fools and join her ranks. Being the pet of such a powerful magical like her wouldn't be nearly as annoying as being the kept cat of that fat Major.

At least the Princess wouldn't sacrifice him as easily as that fat bastard was planning.

He was surprised no one was commenting on the fact he was picking up on her color scheme, even if he had yet to meet her. The Princess favored the darker reds and blacks... easier to hide the bloodstains.

No one said a word about the fact he was wearing different clothes...so long as he did his job and didn't defect before they learned of the Princess, he could wear whatever the hell he wanted.

He couldn't wait to finally meet the Princess!

* * *

><p>"Ah...ah...AHCHOO!"<p>

"You alright?" asked Seras.

"Someone must be talking about me behind my back. Likely the same creature I've been seeing at the edges of my vision lately," shrugged Helen. "Now, about the blood issue..."

"I just don't feel right...drinking blood freaks me out..." said Seras.

Helen wasn't going to let Seras continue on as a weak fledgling.

"Seras, Alucard picked _you_ to become a fledgling. Do you have any idea how rare it is for a Master vampire like him to pick a human like that? Especially someone like Alucard, who only obeys humans purely out of boredom and at a very deep level, mutual respect as a being? The entire reason he allowed Integra's father to seal him away was because he was _impressed_ by the man. He wanted to see how far the Hellsing line can go before it ends."

Seras was quiet.

"I feel like I'll be losing something important if I drink blood though."

"Honey, you already lost your humanity. The entire reason you're freaked out is because you're nervous about your first time. You know at an instinctive level that you're Alucard's new girlfriend and you have no idea how to handle that. Perhaps I should show you something...just don't spoil it for Integra when I explain the circumstances behind it..." said Helen.

She pulled out a bowl filled with silvery liquid.

"This is a pensieve. It's a magical artifact designed to share memories. Now, I want you to hold my shoulder and put your hand into the liquid. It won't harm you, but it's a little disorienting for first time users."

"What are you going to show me?"

"Alucard is rather protective of those he cares about. If something happens to them and he isn't there to keep them safe, he tends to have an extreme reaction. You're about to witness his reaction to something that really set him off. I'll explain what it was once we're in there," said Helen.

Seras gulped, but took a deep breath before putting her hand on Helen's shoulder. Once they had their hands in the liquid, she felt herself falling.

It was like a black and white movie...only there was actual sound.

"Where are we?"

"This was about three, maybe four months ago for me. I promised Alucard he could have his revenge on the idiots who attacked and burned the Hellsing mansion..." said Helen.

Seras' eyes were wide. Her Master looked really, really pissed off about something.

"_Are you sure they are there?"_

"_Positive. I did promise to let you have your revenge on the fools who killed Intregra and your fledgeling, did I not? Every wizard who was in on the attack on the Hellsing manor will be at the Ministry today...and while you're out causing a distraction I'll retrieve the creature you mentioned. Remember, it's not my problem if you get blood everywhere, but once you kill the idiots responsible only go for the really dark souls. Got it?"_

_Alucard had a fanged smirk._

"_So no draining the 'innocents' then?"_

"_I believe the Death Eaters are more likely to taste better. All that darkness in their souls...all that taint..." she said with a sly smile. Alucard laughed, and it wasn't a very pleasant one. It was hinged with barely contained madness._

_Helen laugh wasn't much better._

Seras watched as her Master ripped the humans apart, ignoring the lights that were sent his way. She could see at the edge of her vision the hell hounds that chased more fools up to where her Master was waiting.

"What set him off?" she asked.

"Wizards. They thought that just because your Master accidentally absorbed a rather unusual curse that they were free to kill the one who controlled him. You were killed protecting Integra...and because they were terrified you would become as powerful as your sire."

"What's a sire?"

"When a vampire turns a human, that vampire becomes your 'sire'. I have no idea why they call it that, but it's the accepted term for it. What you fail to realize is that if you let go of those silly inhibitions you cling to, you could be one of the most powerful vampires on the planet. I mean just look at me! I quit caring about how people thought of me and now I'm one of the strongest witches on the planet! I practically _rule_ hell!"

"You have no inhibitions!" said Seras. It was something that got on Sir Integra's nerves a lot.

"Perhaps I should show you _why_ I have little to no restraint...and why I get along with your Master so well..." said Helen. A small wave of the hand, and Seras got to see what Helen's life was like before she was saved by her father.

Needless to say when Seras got a good look at Helen's "room" before she was taken by demons, she got a little bloodthirsty. What sort of human would put a child in a boot cupboard that was just _barely_ big enough? And that was before she saw how the confident (or was it arrogant?) woman she knew had been turned from an abused, neglected child into the person before her today.

"In any case Seras, there are worse things than completely losing your humanity...or actually dating Alucard."

"I'll think about it."

"Give me an answer in a few days. We're about to get really, really busy by the end of the week," said Helen cryptically.


	25. Chapter 25

"What on earth are you humming?" asked Seras.

"Battle music from this epic series I found by accident. If people had told me that it looked like the cut scenes you'd find in a high-end video game I would have watched it sooner! Took me forever to find a way to duplicate the main character's weapon," said Helen grinning.

She reached behind her back to the subspace she had there, and pulled out a weird looking gun. With a few practiced twists, pulls and twirls, it turned into a rather unusual looking scythe.

Seras wasn't the only one staring when Helen then demonstrated that it was also a gun. A sniper rifle to be exact.

"Impressive," said Alucard. She could tell he meant it.

Helen grinned. With a snap and a flare of hellfire, she was in the main character's outfit along with a pair of fire red roller blades.

She was skating so fast that she was literally dancing on the ceiling. Alucard snorted.

"Too bad you didn't do that inside the conference room. Bet it would have given the lords a heart attack," said Alucard.

"Wait, that's today? Hell, I should get up there!"

"Why?"

"There's going to be a ghoul attack lead by two crappy vampires who don't know the first thing about Nosferatu or the word restraint. If I want any real action to kill my boredom, I should get to the third floor so I can prepare my song list," said Helen.

"Wait, what?!" said Seras.

Zwei bounded up to Helen.

"Will I get to play too?" asked Zwei, wagging her tail.

"Of course you can play, just don't eat the ghouls. I don't want you to get sick from eating that crap," said Helen, petting her werewolf behind the ears.

"Why aren't you warning Sir Integra?"

"And ruin Alucard's fun? Are you nuts? I mean the second vampire isn't much of a fight but he's still better than the crappy ones your Master's been fighting up till now...and he's the perfect prelude to war," said Helen happily.

"How good is he?" asked Alucard.

"Good enough to shrug off the bullets, but not so good that he won't shit himself when you actually deem him worth the effort of turning into one of your pet dogs," Helen told him.

Alucard only looked mildly disappointed.

"Want me to leave Nick, Hermes or Dante with you?"

"Dante would be nice...I'm actually curious as to what those cannons on him can do."

Helen whistled sharply. The silvery wolf appeared without a second command.

"Sit. Obey," she said, pointing at Alucard. Dante barked once, and walked over to Alucard and sat down.

Helen closed the door while Walter showed off the new toys he had made for the vampires.

* * *

><p>Helen was humming outside the door to the conference room, waiting for the ghouls to show up. She had her preferred music player out and was making a list. One little button and she would hijack the com lines for her music. She was so quiet Integra had no idea she was even outside.<p>

So when the first salvo of gunfire and death began, Helen grinned.

She waited until the people inside the room were good and panicked, and most of the mansion was infested with ghouls before she stuck her head in.

"Is this a bad time to go have some fun?" she asked cheekily.

Thankfully for Integra's sanity, she was still wearing the outfit from _RWBY_. While unusual, it was also a lot less scandalous than what Helen usually wore.

"What are you doing up here?"

"I was bored, and everyone else was downstairs. So can I go have some fun killing the ghouls or what?"

"Why didn't you speak up before?" asked Integra angrily.

"I had to be sure the ghouls were all inside. Unless you want a bunch of mindless monsters attacking the countryside?" she asked. Integra snapped one of her cigars in anger, but admitted the girl had a point. Better they were all trapped in one building than roaming the countryside and making a bigger mess.

"Kill any ghoul you come across. Leave no survivors, unless it's a vampire," said Integra.

Helen gave her a lazy salute.

"Aye, aye sir!"

Once Integra contacted Walter in the basement, there was a sudden blare of the com system.

"_**OI! Is this thing on? To all you annoying cheapass vampires, here's your only warning. Surrender now or get fried. No takers? Pity. Guess that means I'll have to come to you~!"**_said a far too chipper Helen. Integra twitched.

Then the music started. While it wasn't loud across the com lines, the mere fact Helen had hijacked the damn thing pissed Integra off.

The sound of gunfire and disturbing laughter rang through the halls.

"Burn bitches, burn!" came the deranged cackling of Helen.

Unlike Ruby Rose, Helen's scythe shot out pure concentrated hellfire...and if she were particularly vindictive, soul fire.

Soul fire was considered more dangerous than hell fire for one reason. It was one of the few things that could hurt angels. Anything that could slip past the natural defenses of an ascended being could do immense damage to almost anything baring the most powerful pagan gods and monsters.

Even Alucard was wary of anyone using soul fire.

Helen danced so fast on the walls, the ceiling, and the floor while wearing her roller blades that she left skid marks.

She wondered how Integra would react to seeing the recordings of her dancing.

The blade went snick-snick as heads began to roll and the ghouls fell down by the dozens.

"The fuck? Who the fuck are you?" demanded Jan, the younger Valentine brother.

"Me? I'm just your ordinary hell witch," said Helen, winking at him flirtatiously. She flipped her hair and grinned as she fingered her scythe. "So are we going to do this the easy way or the hard way?"

Jan sneered at her and aimed his gun.

"Oh goody. I prefer the hard way. Say hello to my pack asshole," smirked Helen. With a sharp whistle, four hell hounds appeared. Jan suddenly realized as he was staring down death itself that maybe he should have left when he had the chance.

* * *

><p>Alucard was <em>bored<em>. Aside from watching Dante stalk the room, weaving in and out of the shadows and generally increasing the creepiness level of the vampire's personal room, the bizarre hound had done nothing but pace.

Finally, Alucard heard the door open.

It was about freaking time that pathetic excuse for a vampire showed up!

Seras and Walter had already made their way up to the conference room in case of stragglers. With Helen providing offense, it was unlikely, but it was better to be safe.

Alucard had his own familiars out observing the Hell Witch...he could see why he agreed to serve under her as he watched her fight.

Though he did wonder how in heaven that fat bastard of a Major managed to take him out of the picture long enough for the wizards to grow cocky enough to attack Hellsing openly.

He just hoped this fresh idiot didn't start off with a speech. He hated listening to those.

* * *

><p>There was a knock on the door. Seras slowly opened it...only for it to blast open as Helen kicked the cheaply made vampire in... without any limbs. His arms and legs had been cut off and cauterized, a difficult kind of wound to heal unless you were a century old vampire. And this punk wasn't experienced enough (or had the same level of boredom most vampires developed in their first century or so of un-life) to have earned those powers.<p>

Seras had potential because she seemed to have an instinctive grasp on them...likely why Alucard had turned her in the first place. Very few people got his attention like that, Helen among them.

"Special delivery~!" sing-songed Helen.

"Fucking bitch!"

"Don't tell me you didn't enjoy that you pathetic pig. Not like some weak-ass punk like you could keep up with me..." smiled Helen evilly. Her eyes gained a sadistic gleam. "Besides...you should be grateful I didn't put into practice some of the things Uncle Alistair taught me...the sounds the undead can make are exquisite when they're put under torture..."

Jan took one look at the expression her eyes and damn near pissed himself. He had thought Alucard was the only monster in Hellsing... no one mentioned a second _female_ one!

"Helen...your sadist side is showing..." said Seras.

Helen twirled her scythe until it became a rifle.

"Oh this isn't my sadist side... this is my trolling Queen Bitch side. This is what happens when I get bored..." said Helen grinning. She leveled her rifle at the terrified vampire. "Start talking trash, or you'll _wish_ Alucard had gotten his bloody hands on you..."

Her blood-colored eyes, which always showed up when she got to play, shone brightly as the vampire started talking. He was more terrified of her than he was of Integra, likely because she was still human.

As blue fire began to consume his corpse, he spoke only one word.

"Mil-len-ni-um."

"Millennium?" said Integra.

"So the opening salvo of that fat Major has finally been heard. I can't wait to show him our response," said Helen, as her rifle disappeared.

* * *

><p>Alucard was glad Helen had warned him how boring this fight would be. Considering this idiot managed to survive the first twenty minutes his hopes had gone up that she had been joking.<p>

After shooting his leg off, he was disappointed to learn she wasn't.

Dante's growling scared the undead crap out of the poser.

Normally Alucard would have been annoyed by this, but frankly seeing this idiot shit himself just from hearing a live hell hound (though not a breed he recognized) was almost entertaining.

Not to mention it ended that crappy monologue.

Dante howled in a way that reminded Alucard of his second home in the pit.

"Alright little dog, let's see what those cannons of yours can do."

Dante loaded up and leveled the two barrels on his back, and the sound of the safety clicking off was music to the Master vampire's ears.

The sound of actual cannonfire (which was actually condensed hellfire) made Alucard smile. He liked this hell hound...and wondered if Helen would be willing to part with one of it's pups.

Still, the brat put up a good enough showing that Alucard turned him into one of his dogs.

"Having fun Alucard?" asked a voice behind him. In front his pets were turning the pathetic poser into dog shit.

He turned to find Helen, standing there with a satisfied smirk. He knew that expression very well...it was one he often got after playing with his food.

"I take it the problem upstairs has been dealt with?"

"Not a ghoul left undead and that pathetic piece of shit that lead them burned up. I think I made him shit himself while I was cutting off his limbs," said Helen pleased.

"Things are about to get interesting aren't they?" said Alucard grinning, his fangs fully extended.

"Oh you don't know the half of it. Those weak ass idiots from fifty years ago are about to make a comeback. Half the reason I came to the past was to steal one of their toys and to have some fun for once. Do you have any idea how rarely I get to play on Earth? Most of the time I want a massacre I have to go to the Pit!" complained Helen.

Alucard gave her a commiserating look. He knew exactly what she meant. There were so many weaklings in the world today that it bored him to tears. It was actually one of the main reasons he allowed a mere human to order him around like an attack dog.

"So what are your plans for when Iscariot responds to Integra's bitch fest about sending Anderson?"

"You mean outside of giving them an aneurysm from pointing out their entire religion and belief system was based on a book that everyone's been misquoting for centuries? Or how about pointing out the fact that the New Testament wasn't actually written by a bunch of Catholics like they claim?" said Helen evilly.

Alucard laughed.

"And here I was wondering if it would be worth staying up to watch this meeting..."

"Anderson will be there, but you won't be allowed to do any fighting," said Helen. Alucard almost looked disappointed. "But I promise to royally piss off the Catholic church and if need be allow Lucifer a chance to annoy them by telling them the _real_ reason why Micheal threw him out. Can you imagine the look on their faces finding out the 'war in heaven' was all over a family spat that went out of hand?" said Helen cackling. That made the vampire perk up again.


	26. Chapter 26

**In case anyone was wondering...the song Helen was humming and listening to in the last chapter was Red Like Rose part 2 from RWBY. Highly addicting... And no, I don't have a problem with the Catholic faith, I just hate religion as a whole. I do believe in god and hell, but I can't stand the thought of people stereotyping others just because of what divine being you happen to follow. My mother's a Catholic.**

* * *

><p>Integra was twitching. Not from the meeting, which the Vatican's Iscariot was late for, but because Helen had shown up despite Integra telling her to stay away.<p>

The last thing they needed was for the Iscariot to think they paid magicals to fight for them.

Fortunately for the irate woman, Helen had opted to go look through the British museum for a while and hadn't been seen for over an hour.

While Helen might not look it, she was a bit of a classics buff. Music, movies...even artwork. She got it from Alistair, oddly enough. So the chance to get copies of the artwork in the museum (which was almost entirely destroyed when the Nazis attacked it in a few months) was something she wasn't about to pass up.

As the two from the Vatican arrived a little late, Helen came bouncing up in her black and red dress.

Integra tensed.

"Absolutely amazing. Almost as much character as the Louvre!" she said happily.

She blinked.

"You've been to the Louvre?" said Integra.

"Uncle Alistair is a fan of the classics. He even taught me how to play the violin, because he said everyone should know how to play one instrument, even if they don't really have the talent for it."

Integra focused her attention on the two from the Vatican. She was like a large cat that had it's hackles raised just from being that close to the idiot who sent Anderson to Ireland.

Helen ignored Maxwell for the most part...until he called Integra a sow.

"_Excuse _me?" hissed Helen. She respected Integra. It was very hard for anyone to earn that respect from Helen. Almost as hard as convincing Alucard you were too interesting to eat right away.

"This is none of your business little girl," said Maxwell dismissively.

"It is my business when you blatantly insult one of the few people I respect, you self-righteous hypocrite. You're more arrogant and obnoxious than that damn seraph Zachariah! At least Gabriel wasn't as annoying as you are!" snarled Helen.

Seeing she had his attention, Maxwell then said "You've met an angel? Preposterous!"

"Puh-lease, angels are self-righteous assholes with wings, though that halo and harp thing is a load of crap. The only angel I've ever met who wasn't a complete dick was Gabriel, and that was because he left heaven to avoid being dragged into the argument between Lucifer and Micheal!"

Helen then turned vicious.

"Besides, I wouldn't talk, considering you Catholic _dogs_ are following a book where the New Testament was written by a Jew."

Integra, rather than tell Helen to back off, decided to sit back and watch the show. Probably because that was exactly what Alucard was doing at the moment.

"What? How dare you..." started Maxwell, but Helen's expression cut him off.

"Historically speaking, Catholics didn't enter the picture as a mainstream religion until _after_ Jesus was killed. The religion before that was Judaism, and it's considered fact that Jesus was Jewish, not Catholic. And don't get me started on that book you idiots hold so much stock in, because Gabriel still hasn't shut up about how pissed he was being forced to use that arrogant, narcissistic blowhard because Micheal was the one to pick the writer of the message!"

Seeing she was almost getting through to him, she continued.

"Gabriel might have delivered the message, but it was Micheal who chose the writer. And the civil war between Lucifer and Micheal was started all because Micheal couldn't comprehend that god gave all creatures, including angels, the right to make up their own damn minds."

As Helen tore holes through the Catholic faith, she barely noticed Anderson was listening close by. She wondered if he was actually listening, or just letting her talk.

Finally Alucard made an appearance, scared the hell out of Maxwell...and Helen waited to follow Anderson.

She did snicker at the way Seras deftly kept a fight from breaking out though.

* * *

><p>Anderson had noted the girl earlier looking at the paintings, but he hadn't registered her until he realized she was the same scarlet woman who had shown up in Ireland.<p>

So it was quite a surprise when the girl asked him if he was interested in a cup of tea.

"Before you get any ideas that I'm here to corrupt you, you can put away the swords. I just want to talk," said Helen flatly.

Anderson blinked.

"Who or what are you?" he asked finally.

Something about her seemed familiar, but he couldn't place what.

"I'm a girl who was taken from an abusive home and raised by a demon because her aunt thought magic was the work of the devil and couldn't stand to have me in her house. The only reason I dress like a whore is because people have a bad habit of underestimating me when I do," said Helen. She took a sip of her Earl Gray, "Besides, if they can't see past the persona I put up, then why should I waste my time on idiots who only think with their second head?"

Anderson blinked, before he laughed openly.

"So, did ye really speak with an angel?"

"I speak with one all the time, but he's probably not the first one you'd want to talk to. The other angel is currently hiding from Micheal, who's still pissed off he left right before the last battle with his brother. Tell me, Father Anderson, if you had to choose between picking a side in an argument that has gotten out of hand against two brothers you love dearly, or leaving, what would you do?"

"What would the argument be about?"

"One brother disagrees with the father, but still loves him enough to tolerate his decisions, even if he doesn't like them. One brother is a good little soldier and believes that everything their father says is absolute law, even if he's in the wrong. Then the father introduces a new child into the home, telling his children to love and guide them, but these new elements are given the option of acting as though their father doesn't exist and question him constantly. The oldest brother does not like these new children, because he dislikes the fact they question whether or not their father exists at all. The younger brother tries to reason with the oldest, saying that their father gave them an order...and it eventually comes to blows. Then, a fight breaks out between them, sparking a massive war in the home that eventually leads to the youngest brother, who did not want to get involved in the fight, being forced to pick who's side he was on because he is just as powerful as the first two brothers. Sound familiar?"

"Your telling me the war in heaven started over an argument?"

"Lucifer isn't as evil as the book makes him out to be. The only reason he's locked in a cage inside hell is because Micheal needed a way to get him out of the picture and not kill him. He still loves his father, but he's pretty pissed off that humanity can basically ignore and question his father's existence. He could have tolerated humanity, but Micheal's anal retentive ways made it so that they ended up fighting over whether or not their father was right. The entire war in heaven could have been smoothed over if Micheal hadn't been such an idiot. Gabriel, who is like a big kid who loves to eat far too many sweets, left because he couldn't bear the thought of having to help one brother kill the other."

"Hard to believe a witch is lecturing me on heaven," said Anderson.

"To be fair, you're the only one in the past thirty years or so who's actually gotten Alucard's respect to the point that when you die he'll actually remember your name," said Helen.

"Oh? So my death is going to happen soon?" said Anderson, his more bloodthirsty side starting to wake up.

"Not for a couple of months, and if it's any consolation you go out trying to kill Alucard when his final release is awakened. It was actually one of the requests Alucard made of me...to give your ashes a proper resting place before I handed them over to Iscariot."

Anderson stared at her.

"What?"

"I'm not from this timeline. Did you know angels have the ability to go forwards and backwards in time?"

Seeing he didn't believe her, she brought something out. It was a comic book with a rather accurate picture of Alucard on it called "_Hellsing_".

"Check the publishing date. That's the first book," she told him.

Anderson did and he was stunned. The date was set nearly a decade in the near future.

"When I come from, these events had already happened twenty years ago. That is a depiction of what happened after the massacre of London in a few months."

"Why did you come from the future? To change things?"

"Actually I came to rescue Seras and Integra. The wizards grow arrogant after the massacre and attack the mansion, which royally pissed Alucard off. Since I was coming here anyway, he also asked if for me to turn your weapons into a grave so that the Iscariot Organization doesn't lose it's most respected Father. If you like, I could even give you the inscription he wanted me to put on the urn."

Anderson blinked.

"Why not."

Helen took a breath before she recited the infamous last words of Anderson before he finally died.

_Don't cry, Demon. Are the children hiding under your bed? Don't cry, Demon. You became a monster because you didn't want to cry. When humans cry and their tears dry up, they become monsters, dried up inside. So laugh. Laugh with pride and arrogance, like you always do. I will pass on now. You will survive. How long will you be doomed to wander this Earth? You mustn't cry. Remember your prayers before bed. Amen._

Anderson drank his now cold tea. Any doubts he had that she was lying went away, because that sounded exactly like something he would say to Alucard before his death.

Helen chuckled lowly.

"Did you know after your death the Pope turned you into a martyr for the darker sects of the Vatican? Saint Anderson, they call you."

"Hard to believe my death is so soon."

"At least you go out with a bang. So few get to chose the manner of their death to have that much meaning, and if it's any consolation the others who died with you to give you the chance against Alucard never went to purgatory or hell. He checked. They went to heaven where they belonged."

Anderson took a deep breath.

"Thank ye for that. It's good to know we don't end up in such desolate plains once our service is done."

Helen smiled.

"And it seems that our friends are done exchanging information. When I see you on the earthly manifestation of hell, rest assured your sacrifice will not be forgotten and your remains won't be used by any one outside the Vatican."

Anderson nodded, a bit more sombre than before.

* * *

><p>"You know, normally I would agree to send Alucard and Seras off to South America...but I think the Draculina would be of more use here," said Helen.<p>

"Why?" asked Integra.

Seras had finally started to drink blood. Mostly because Helen worked out her issues with finally discarding her humanity and had Alucard sit her down for a few hours. Her first meal was Helen, primarily because she would benefit more from the Hell Witch than Integra. If need be she would get blood from the last Hellsing as a last resort, but for now at least she was eating...so to speak.

Like Helen had told her, Seras was quite a little powerhouse because of her instinctive grasp on some of the more useful vampire powers. All that had kept her from them was the fact she was a bit leery of drinking blood.

"Well knowing what I do, how exactly are you planning to get him _out_ of the country when he's about to make a declaration of war on your behalf in front of who knows how many cameras? I seriously doubt that mercenary group you hired to replace your men would be able to get public enemy number one out of a foreign country once his picture is plastered everywhere," said Helen flatly.

Helen and the mercenaries Integra hired had actually hit it off quite well. So much so she was planning on insuring they lived through the attack on the Hellsing Manor during the massacre of London. At the very least she would try to keep the leader alive. He was hilarious!

Integra blinked.

"I thought the other countries put a ban on magical travel from England?"

"I'm American, though I do have dual citizenship. Besides, you really think they're going to do something as stupid as telling Alucard he can't use a port key to return to England when it's well known you're his current Master and the only person capable of telling him to back the hell off of eating someone?" said Helen raising an eyebrow.

Integra blinked.

"You have two...?"

"I'm a British witch raised by a demon in America. Since I was adopted legally before I was ten, I was allowed to keep both of them, but I prefer to be American."

Integra could feel a headache coming on. That seemed to be the common thing around Helen. Her very _existence_ was a headache.

"At least you got the free entertainment of me ripping that arrogant pig a new one," said Helen chipperly.

Integra chuckled darkly.

"I've never seen a Catholic turn that red that fast. I thought he was going to blow a blood vessel in his head."

Helen giggled evilly.

"At least you know I respect you enough not to turn my forked tongue like that against you," said Helen.

It was a rather pleasant thought.

"Can you keep Alucard reigned in?" asked Integra.

"You better believe it. Once we send out our drums of war to tell the Major to bring his best, I'll be sure we get back in proper time," said Helen, giving Integra a flourished bow.

"Search and destroy, Alucard, Helen."

"Yes, my Master," said Alucard with far too much glee.


End file.
